1st drop

Just Write · 03-29-2013, 01:58 PM

it was my adolecent years that i often tend to forget
paper airplanes to dodge ball to watching video cassettes
only mediocre regrets, like playing 7 minutes in heaven,
and the gitters of me being 11 an never kissing yvette
so simple and yet, memories slowly slipped through my fingers
i lost all connection and only a few recolections have lingered
seems the effect of my seizures crept through my features
now im one step closer to death and watching life from the bleachers.
cant use a knife im a bleeder, but self mutilation is such a rush
(if you wanna overcome the pain you just focus on the blood)
ive grown to not need love, such a useless emotion
its confusion is potent leaving you bruised n then broken
dont get me wrong, trust.. ive had some of the weakest moments
lust.. a bleak notion where i felt in love and the need for atonement
its a pivitol component, the desire to be wanted
a feeling of desperation that hides in our subconcious
the minds process is haunted by so many insecurities
defence mechanisms brought on by saying hurtful things
maturity is slowly fading as our school sytems lay tainted
teachers only after a paycheck, n give a fuck less if you're graduating
lets face it, our society is slowly losing its life line
as we sit back, complacent waiting for the right time to shine.

Geno · 03-30-2013, 08:17 AM

Dope. Not a bad username.

This was cool, I often find lost memories of my childhood pop up when I least expect them. Things that amaze even me when they submerge.. like how the fuck did I remember that shit.

This was a cool walk with an epiieptic type character who suffered a lot through his growing years had way more to do with what seems like an average kids younger years than one who suffers ciezures. Was that just for shock value? Or did that part actually hold some signiificance olther than the rhyme.

Could relate with most of this.. I remember my school days and thinking teachers only cared about a check.. for the most part I think its true to this day. Only about 10% of the teachers I had actujally seemed to truelly give a fuck.

Good pece. Welcome to the OM. $TAY ACTIVE

Split · 04-01-2013, 08:48 PM

the imagery was suburban. it was cool tho, like chilled out adolescence suburban. felt the opening.

schemes and rhymes were solid too. first drop, ever?

Just Write · 04-02-2013, 10:51 AM

to answer both questions @Genocide, its a cerebral palsy reference. @Split, first ever posted. i am new to writing. i mimick what ive seen and try my best to duplicate.
if you guys would like me to read anything and give my opinion i have no problem with that but i dont know how greatt i am at it

Witty · 04-02-2013, 02:34 PM

This was cool, you write sorta like me lol Obviously with your uniqueness added into it, otherwise I'd have to kick your ass lol

Don't have much time, I just wanna say that this was a cool read...you definitely have the basic techniques down to a T, and you are obviously a natural story teller as I like to think I am. One thing I know I do is rhyming lol And most importantly, inner rhyme schemes, I saw you attempt them and they did work pretty well for the most part, I think you could try to make them a bit more complex and less predictable, use like 4 in one line, none in the next, and 2 in the next, you know? Not in that precise order obviously lol but play around with your rhymes. You already have the story telling down, and honestly your rhyming was very good, I only point it out because I think you can be a lot better if you take more risks and play around with your rhymes. Thought this would be shorter lol but I saw a writer who reminded me of myself so I had to throw down my thoughts lol, I think you have a lot of talent already and a hell of a lot of potential, just don't be afraid to experiment, if it isn't for you then it isn't for you, no harm comes from trying. Do your thing man.

If this really is your first piece then I am impressed, keep elevating and you could become very dope. Read other pieces and sign up to the league if you have time. Keep your pen moving bro.

Just Write · 04-02-2013, 02:42 PM

thanks a lot man! i appreciate it and im going to try to do that.. i mean the 4, 0, 2 thing. i signed up for that story tellig league if thats what you meant. there was a lot of good writers in there tho haha. if you want me to read anything point me in the direction man.

Witty · 04-02-2013, 03:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Just Write

thanks a lot man! i appreciate it and im going to try to do that.. i mean the 4, 0, 2 thing. i signed up for that story tellig league if thats what you meant. there was a lot of good writers in there tho haha. if you want me to read anything point me in the direction man.

http://artofbattling.com/showthread....o-have-a-dream

Last piece I posted, hit it up if you have time man, don't worry about it if you don't though.

Just Write · 04-19-2013, 07:34 PM

uppin for the first and only time

fathead · 04-19-2013, 08:14 PM

i Really Liked This It Had Me The Whole Way Through. I Especially Liked The Sentimental Approach You Took In Th Begining.

it was my adolecent years that i often tend to forget
paper airplanes to dodge ball to watching video cassettes
only mediocre regrets, like playing 7 minutes in heaven,
and the gitters of me being 11 an never kissing yvette

Other Stick Out Parts Were...

ive grown to not need love, such a useless emotion
its confusion is potent leaving you bruised n then broken
dont get me wrong, trust.. ive had some of the weakest moments
lust.. a bleak notion where i felt in love and the need for atonement

This Is Pretty Introspective Being About Your Lost Bouts With Love It Got Good Vocab And Is Worded Real Well.

its a pivitol component, the desire to be wanted
a feeling of desperation that hides in our subconcious
the minds process is haunted by so many insecurities
defence mechanisms brought on by saying hurtful things
maturity is slowly fading as our school sytems lay tainted
teachers only after a paycheck, n give a fuck less if you're graduating

This Is Another Part I Liked It Starts Looking Toward Societys Shortcomings Like The Desire To Feel Excepted And The Fact Noone Gives A Shit About Schools. Like I Said I Really Liked It I Felt The Content Is Relevent And Flows Consistent With Good Wording.

03-29-2013, 01:58 PM	#1
Just Write Senior Member Join Date: Mar 2013 Posts: 1,709 Battle Record: 9-12 Rep Power: 4997617	1st drop it was my adolecent years that i often tend to forget paper airplanes to dodge ball to watching video cassettes only mediocre regrets, like playing 7 minutes in heaven, and the gitters of me being 11 an never kissing yvette so simple and yet, memories slowly slipped through my fingers i lost all connection and only a few recolections have lingered seems the effect of my seizures crept through my features now im one step closer to death and watching life from the bleachers. cant use a knife im a bleeder, but self mutilation is such a rush (if you wanna overcome the pain you just focus on the blood) ive grown to not need love, such a useless emotion its confusion is potent leaving you bruised n then broken dont get me wrong, trust.. ive had some of the weakest moments lust.. a bleak notion where i felt in love and the need for atonement its a pivitol component, the desire to be wanted a feeling of desperation that hides in our subconcious the minds process is haunted by so many insecurities defence mechanisms brought on by saying hurtful things maturity is slowly fading as our school sytems lay tainted teachers only after a paycheck, n give a fuck less if you're graduating lets face it, our society is slowly losing its life line as we sit back, complacent waiting for the right time to shine.

03-30-2013, 08:17 AM	#2
Geno White Earl Join Date: Jan 2013 Location: Philly Cat. Posts: 12,354 Battle Record: 10-15 Accomplishments - Open Mic HOF (4x) Champed - Netcees Writers League - Write Week I - Write Week 8 Rep Power: 50036761	Dope. Not a bad username. This was cool, I often find lost memories of my childhood pop up when I least expect them. Things that amaze even me when they submerge.. like how the fuck did I remember that shit. This was a cool walk with an epiieptic type character who suffered a lot through his growing years had way more to do with what seems like an average kids younger years than one who suffers ciezures. Was that just for shock value? Or did that part actually hold some signiificance olther than the rhyme. Could relate with most of this.. I remember my school days and thinking teachers only cared about a check.. for the most part I think its true to this day. Only about 10% of the teachers I had actujally seemed to truelly give a fuck. Good pece. Welcome to the OM. $TAY ACTIVE __________________ *-A.bove T.he R.est*

04-01-2013, 08:48 PM	#3
Split . Join Date: Aug 2013 Posts: 8,898 Battle Record: 27-22 Rep Power: 85899399	the imagery was suburban. it was cool tho, like chilled out adolescence suburban. felt the opening. schemes and rhymes were solid too. first drop, ever? __________________ http://split8.yolasite.com

04-02-2013, 02:34 PM	#5
Witty Lime Life Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 16,978 Battle Record: 30-41 Accomplishments - Only Slightly Retarded Champed - Lyric Olympics - Summer Classic Rep Power: 85235118	This was cool, you write sorta like me lol Obviously with your uniqueness added into it, otherwise I'd have to kick your ass lol Don't have much time, I just wanna say that this was a cool read...you definitely have the basic techniques down to a T, and you are obviously a natural story teller as I like to think I am. One thing I know I do is rhyming lol And most importantly, inner rhyme schemes, I saw you attempt them and they did work pretty well for the most part, I think you could try to make them a bit more complex and less predictable, use like 4 in one line, none in the next, and 2 in the next, you know? Not in that precise order obviously lol but play around with your rhymes. You already have the story telling down, and honestly your rhyming was very good, I only point it out because I think you can be a lot better if you take more risks and play around with your rhymes. Thought this would be shorter lol but I saw a writer who reminded me of myself so I had to throw down my thoughts lol, I think you have a lot of talent already and a hell of a lot of potential, just don't be afraid to experiment, if it isn't for you then it isn't for you, no harm comes from trying. Do your thing man. If this really is your first piece then I am impressed, keep elevating and you could become very dope. Read other pieces and sign up to the league if you have time. Keep your pen moving bro. __________________ He listens to voices inside of his mind Explicit and poisonous violent crime.

04-19-2013, 07:34 PM	#8
Just Write Senior Member Join Date: Mar 2013 Posts: 1,709 Battle Record: 9-12 Rep Power: 4997617	uppin for the first and only time __________________

04-02-2013, 10:51 AM	#4
Just Write Senior Member Join Date: Mar 2013 Posts: 1,709 Battle Record: 9-12 Rep Power: 4997617	to answer both questions @Genocide, its a cerebral palsy reference. @Split, first ever posted. i am new to writing. i mimick what ive seen and try my best to duplicate. if you guys would like me to read anything and give my opinion i have no problem with that but i dont know how greatt i am at it

04-02-2013, 02:42 PM	#6
Just Write Senior Member Join Date: Mar 2013 Posts: 1,709 Battle Record: 9-12 Rep Power: 4997617	thanks a lot man! i appreciate it and im going to try to do that.. i mean the 4, 0, 2 thing. i signed up for that story tellig league if thats what you meant. there was a lot of good writers in there tho haha. if you want me to read anything point me in the direction man.

04-19-2013, 08:14 PM	#9
fathead Member Join Date: Apr 2013 Location: cresson, PA Posts: 30 Battle Record: 1-3 Rep Power: 38	i Really Liked This It Had Me The Whole Way Through. I Especially Liked The Sentimental Approach You Took In Th Begining. it was my adolecent years that i often tend to forget paper airplanes to dodge ball to watching video cassettes only mediocre regrets, like playing 7 minutes in heaven, and the gitters of me being 11 an never kissing yvette Other Stick Out Parts Were... ive grown to not need love, such a useless emotion its confusion is potent leaving you bruised n then broken dont get me wrong, trust.. ive had some of the weakest moments lust.. a bleak notion where i felt in love and the need for atonement This Is Pretty Introspective Being About Your Lost Bouts With Love It Got Good Vocab And Is Worded Real Well. its a pivitol component, the desire to be wanted a feeling of desperation that hides in our subconcious the minds process is haunted by so many insecurities defence mechanisms brought on by saying hurtful things maturity is slowly fading as our school sytems lay tainted teachers only after a paycheck, n give a fuck less if you're graduating This Is Another Part I Liked It Starts Looking Toward Societys Shortcomings Like The Desire To Feel Excepted And The Fact Noone Gives A Shit About Schools. Like I Said I Really Liked It I Felt The Content Is Relevent And Flows Consistent With Good Wording.