My mind that I adore (quick write)

Jimbo · 03-26-2013, 07:59 AM

I’m chained, shackled and tied to a cross;
Palms stained, blackened, dried blood makes a gloss.
I’m seething, yearning for this pain to end;
Bleeding, burning, wishing this punishment was pretend.
I’m soaked, broke, cold, holding out for release;
Wasn’t it foretold the deceased will be rewarded with peace.
I’m screaming, stealing noise from the eerie silence;
Evil heathens gleeful at my teary pleas to end the violence.
My wrists slit, neck twisted and eyes rolled;
Its quick, thankful my wish was gifted as darkness unfolds.
My spirit rises, I am rising, the stars shining bright;
The soul is no longer residing in its body - I can see the light.
My lifeless vessel is cut down ruthlessly to the floor;
Heathens wrestle over who’s is he, crows circle in awe.
My life has ended, transcended into something more;
Or at least my mind invented a nicer ending then what was in store.
It’s my mind, my mind that I adore…

Big Game · 03-26-2013, 08:19 AM

This had a cool concept behind it - nice imagery.
I would suggest that you use more multis though - it just takes away from a piece drastically when it doesn't flow well - multis would add to this piece quite significantly and give it that flare that it needs.
Not a bad piece overall though.
Stay Up

Jimbo · 03-26-2013, 09:15 AM

Aight dunna think it needed it in this peice but yeah nice one brah

Jimbo · 03-28-2013, 06:16 AM

Any more feed?

Zen · 03-28-2013, 02:27 PM

This imo was a decent piece. I wish the rhyme scheme would have been changed up some more instead of just an end rhyme. Also some lines the syllable count was fucked up like the pain was pretend line and the violence line. Cut back on some syllables and shorten your lines or add inner rhymes to compensate for the long lines. Just trying to give some constructive critism but stay up man and keep postin

03-26-2013, 07:59 AM	#1
Jimbo Member Join Date: Mar 2013 Posts: 39 Battle Record: 2-3 Rep Power: 38	My mind that I adore (quick write) I’m chained, shackled and tied to a cross; Palms stained, blackened, dried blood makes a gloss. I’m seething, yearning for this pain to end; Bleeding, burning, wishing this punishment was pretend. I’m soaked, broke, cold, holding out for release; Wasn’t it foretold the deceased will be rewarded with peace. I’m screaming, stealing noise from the eerie silence; Evil heathens gleeful at my teary pleas to end the violence. My wrists slit, neck twisted and eyes rolled; Its quick, thankful my wish was gifted as darkness unfolds. My spirit rises, I am rising, the stars shining bright; The soul is no longer residing in its body - I can see the light. My lifeless vessel is cut down ruthlessly to the floor; Heathens wrestle over who’s is he, crows circle in awe. My life has ended, transcended into something more; Or at least my mind invented a nicer ending then what was in store. It’s my mind, my mind that I adore… __________________ I got my technique down and everything, I don't be tickling or nothing.

03-26-2013, 09:15 AM	#3
Jimbo Member Join Date: Mar 2013 Posts: 39 Battle Record: 2-3 Rep Power: 38	Aight dunna think it needed it in this peice but yeah nice one brah __________________ I got my technique down and everything, I don't be tickling or nothing.

03-28-2013, 06:16 AM	#4
Jimbo Member Join Date: Mar 2013 Posts: 39 Battle Record: 2-3 Rep Power: 38	Any more feed? __________________ I got my technique down and everything, I don't be tickling or nothing.

03-26-2013, 08:19 AM	#2
Big Game Member Join Date: Mar 2013 Posts: 55 Rep Power: 38	This had a cool concept behind it - nice imagery. I would suggest that you use more multis though - it just takes away from a piece drastically when it doesn't flow well - multis would add to this piece quite significantly and give it that flare that it needs. Not a bad piece overall though. Stay Up

03-28-2013, 02:27 PM	#5
Zen Arm the Homeless Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 4,102 Battle Record: 22-24 Champed - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 35079722	This imo was a decent piece. I wish the rhyme scheme would have been changed up some more instead of just an end rhyme. Also some lines the syllable count was fucked up like the pain was pretend line and the violence line. Cut back on some syllables and shorten your lines or add inner rhymes to compensate for the long lines. Just trying to give some constructive critism but stay up man and keep postin