YOUR 7TH UNIVERSE.... - Page 2

namix · 06-27-2014, 08:40 PM

Water is wet? Not to a fish.
BOOM. I was immediately impressed and intrigued by the start of this dude.

The shift in perspective you granted in that seed you planted is super strong... it SHOULD make most readers review their vantage point, and that is the beginning of allowing their perspective to grow, by seeing through the eyes of another.

Then:
The father of debt’s mom was the wish,
^ that was a very creative way to put a common truth, imo. strong flow into your following segment... HOWEVER, that is where your specific subject matter expertise started to betray you bro. as in, you could lose your connection with the audience by going to far to the side that you connect with.

there were other gems throughout this, and i think there were flashes in this piece of yours that surpassed any other pieces I've read from you sincerely --- like, real genius shit... working on maintaining that is what will make your writing just drop jaws though (and open eyes).

its a consistency thing, use your inspiration as inspiration --- the message you want to convey, but then let that come out in a different way -- a way that anyone can relate to. the 'click' you've had, so to speak, can be told through so many different ways, and I think you are creative enough to deliver it in a way that will engage more than most....

but your truth will likely be learned by others in a different way than it was first heard by you.

it's hard to write about an array of different topics as you see them converge into a single point of similarities, if that makes sense --- but, using your own journey as a reminder of the two points between A and B can help remind you to take an 'end message' and apply it to something very specific, a very specific story everyone can relate to.... growing up, their first day of school, recess... anything in time can serve as that inspiration connection to others, that can either directly or subconsciously accomplish the same thing you were hoping to with this drop.

I hope that makes some sense or is of some help, but if not, hey, your concepts were great out the gate, and your flow was tight. the overall message was clear (to me) but I do think that Vulgar's feedback was a good representation of how the average solid reader/writer my take it ----- so consider it for your message to resonate further bro.

Some other tight gems to round out the feedback :)
Many humans lay with shame, yet you rolled it out the red carpet.
Made my bed inside your head, just to tread where you chose to park it,

The mind is time and space, molecular chemistry fused with astrophysics
The erupting of the unconscious enables the percentage of use to up its limits
This is like nothing you have ever witnessed, yet nightly, it makes its visits,
so instead of trying to fight me, man up and face your critics.

"made my bed inside your head" - tight.
"mind is time and space, molecular chemistry fused with astrophysics" - agreed
"ereupting of the unconscious enables the percentage of use up to its limits" - yessir, ill

then, I loved the subtlety of "nightly it makes its visits" ----- the dreamscape is such an underappreciated representation of that aforementioned truth you highlighted.

then you gave the key to unlocking it in THIS world, alas, the critics are rarely faced in the capacity you suggested. ;)

Great read man, I can say that it lost a little steam from the intro to the subsequent blocks, but you had a spike toward the end. also, the intro was hot, so it was not hard to lose a bit of heat from that imo

good stuff.

veritas · 06-27-2014, 09:05 PM

I love u.

06-27-2014, 08:40 PM	#21
namix been that, done there. Join Date: Jun 2001 Posts: 2,259 Battle Record: 2-1 Accomplishments - OM HOF Rep Power: 85246655	Water is wet? Not to a fish. BOOM. I was immediately impressed and intrigued by the start of this dude. The shift in perspective you granted in that seed you planted is super strong... it SHOULD make most readers review their vantage point, and that is the beginning of allowing their perspective to grow, by seeing through the eyes of another. Then: The father of debt’s mom was the wish, ^ that was a very creative way to put a common truth, imo. strong flow into your following segment... HOWEVER, that is where your specific subject matter expertise started to betray you bro. as in, you could lose your connection with the audience by going to far to the side that you connect with. there were other gems throughout this, and i think there were flashes in this piece of yours that surpassed any other pieces I've read from you sincerely --- like, real genius shit... working on maintaining that is what will make your writing just drop jaws though (and open eyes). its a consistency thing, use your inspiration as inspiration --- the message you want to convey, but then let that come out in a different way -- a way that anyone can relate to. the 'click' you've had, so to speak, can be told through so many different ways, and I think you are creative enough to deliver it in a way that will engage more than most.... but your truth will likely be learned by others in a different way than it was first heard by you. it's hard to write about an array of different topics as you see them converge into a single point of similarities, if that makes sense --- but, using your own journey as a reminder of the two points between A and B can help remind you to take an 'end message' and apply it to something very specific, a very specific story everyone can relate to.... growing up, their first day of school, recess... anything in time can serve as that inspiration connection to others, that can either directly or subconsciously accomplish the same thing you were hoping to with this drop. I hope that makes some sense or is of some help, but if not, hey, your concepts were great out the gate, and your flow was tight. the overall message was clear (to me) but I do think that Vulgar's feedback was a good representation of how the average solid reader/writer my take it ----- so consider it for your message to resonate further bro. Some other tight gems to round out the feedback :) Many humans lay with shame, yet you rolled it out the red carpet. Made my bed inside your head, just to tread where you chose to park it, The mind is time and space, molecular chemistry fused with astrophysics The erupting of the unconscious enables the percentage of use to up its limits This is like nothing you have ever witnessed, yet nightly, it makes its visits, so instead of trying to fight me, man up and face your critics. "made my bed inside your head" - tight. "mind is time and space, molecular chemistry fused with astrophysics" - agreed "ereupting of the unconscious enables the percentage of use up to its limits" - yessir, ill then, I loved the subtlety of "nightly it makes its visits" ----- the dreamscape is such an underappreciated representation of that aforementioned truth you highlighted. then you gave the key to unlocking it in THIS world, alas, the critics are rarely faced in the capacity you suggested. ;) Great read man, I can say that it lost a little steam from the intro to the subsequent blocks, but you had a spike toward the end. also, the intro was hot, so it was not hard to lose a bit of heat from that imo good stuff. __________________ well fed.