Cheater

[H4ZE]

Cheater

His life was great, he had a beautiful girl friend and was successful
Before her and his success he thought he was nothing special
He loves his girl more than anything he'd give his life to protect her
He wouldn't hesitate to fuck some one up if they tried to upset her
This guy was respectful, he never mistreated his girl
she was his world, with out her he wouldn't be on this earth
His love for her, was unlike any other love
But he didn't know the undercover work his lover does

She's happily with him at home, but outside she's different
She's done this to guys for years, her mind is twisted
She doesn't deserve him, she's just using this guy
And makes him think that she's in love when that's truly a lie
She knew in his mind, they were inseparable couple
And she always blamed him when she would get Into trouble
He was blindly in love, he couldn't see through her lies
he believed her acting and couldn't see the evil inside

Then the day came....

He was out at lunch, when he saw a car drive by
His girl was in the car with about five guys
He ran to his car, hoped in and pulled his pistol out
His main mission was to find her, he was fearful now
His thoughts race as he slams the gas and chases the car
He didn't know what was happening but had an ache in his heart
He thought "maybe she's been kidnapped" but he knew it wasn't true
He knew just like his friends said, she was fuckin other dudes
He decided to give up, go home and get some sleep
But he couldn't sleep, because he couldn't forget the scene

The time arrives...

She came home late that night, to find him holding his pistol
He started yelling at her, screaming "I know what you've been doin!"
She cries and screams back, "what the fuck do you mean!"
Then he calms down and made her sit as if nothing was seen
He sat and talked with her for a while telling her he was sorry
He put the pistol beside him, saying he was just angry cuz she was tardy
He held her in his arms until she fell asleep
Then he had the pistol in hand, he was hell on feet
He put the pistol to her head, muffled the sound with a pillow
Then pulled the trigger, and soon after realized now he's the sicko
So he put the gun to his temple, begged the lord for forgiveness
and pulled the trigger, as his son walked through the door and witnessed

[Sick]

Nice



keep elevating

[Fig]

I like that youre delving into storytelling now. Keep trying new things

The charters weren't fleshed out. I couldn't empathize with anyone because I felt that I didn't know about them. Try giving physical descriptions.

And that ending was a bit... melodramatic

try playing with different rhyme schemes. It gives your piece a lil pazaz or however you spell that shitty word.

You have potential though, you just need to keep writing and as a writer, continue to take risks

See you around