The Bus

[Frank]

Topic:
"You've got to jump off cliffs and build your wings on the way down." - Ray Bradbury



Boarding the bus to the Bolivian boarder. Paul Wessler and his wife Cynthia Dora
City New Yorkers
Visiting Cynthia's grandparents who live up in the misty asphyxia forest
The view to the Pacific Ocean through the window a dingy, distorted,
Bugsplattered peripheral vision: playing trivia - bored: winding through cliffier corners,

"Isn't it gorgeous?" My wife says with her hand out the window into, dampening, misty breeze
The pampering bristled seats. The bathroom; blue liquid.
Cynthia's cramping-
Hampering visibility... the bus rams through the steep lands vicinity.
"The City of La Pas" 16,000 feet through jungles grand ambiguity
A single lane road.
'built during the Chaco war by Paraguayan prisoners"
Says Dan. The Bus driver, understanding of the Hispanic history, which has spanned
And interweaved into the mountain side without an amp of electricity.
No guard rails to cram or squish this street.
The Yunga road in San Pedro is the most dangerous road on our planet driven
We record from our cam the distant sea -- An attention span of disbelief --
We figiditly film the road known for 300 deaths; overran in infinity
The markings on the muddy track where sedans and vans swam into thick of trees
Where vehicles had fallen - and landed despicably - there'd be something planted in the proximity
"To the damned and their dignity"
The tanning humidity had fanned considerably, the cool altiplano terrain was damp and drizzly -
Daniel said to Timothy, A young man who had trouble breathing -
"Expand"
he didn't wheeze
Hypoxias: the result of being at high altitudes, and clamming: constrictively

Cynth and me look at each other,

Wham the sympathy

Dan slams the breaks and the bus skids down the ramp slippery...

Cynthia cramps miserably.
..
The tractions began rhythmically
..
The whole bus takes a second glance under the circumstances wistfully.
..
The traction began rickety
..
The Bus is in a jam officially -
Dan waves everybody off the bus, unsure of he can, the width, it seems,
Too narrow, he shifts, with trans am agility- sandy, minerally
Cynthia contracts, her last chance at fertility.
The Bus drops sheer off -
Daniel Divinity
Cynthia contracts again, but she can't, she misconceived.







Gas from Burrito grande XL, her diaphragm disagreed.

[Just Write]

This was really great frank.

Definitely being slept on

I like how you kept the rhyme scheme throughout without sacrificing grammar or descriptiveness, not an easy things to do so props. And thanks for peepin my piece


Bump

[CopyPat]

hahahaha this was dope franky. i was fully enthralled with the lil story and u really really made this feel intense and painted the picture lol for some reason im laughing at the end but overall this was sick, another original drop too. wicked. skill wize this was also a nice showcase of rhyming

Boarding the bus to the Bolivian boarder. Paul Wessler and his wife Cynthia Dora
City New Yorkers

dope opener scheme. stay up broth

[Lars]

lmao at the ending

you've flooded the open mic forum though, it would have been better to have spaced them out over a period of time

i think thats why they're being slept on

[Orc]

this was beyond dope

[Eviscerate]

If Cynthia is married to Paul Wessler, why doesnt she have same last name as him

[2XL]

This was crazy sick. Started off slow but really started picking up after this part

The Yunga road in San Pedro is the most dangerous road on our planet driven
We record from our cam the distant sea -- An attention span of disbelief --
We figiditly film the road known for 300 deaths; overran in infinity

the imagery you delivered in that last bit when they were going out of control was really well delivered and I like how you kept the rhyme together at the same time making sense. props man

[dead man]

pretty cool little story. i think you really need to break the habit of extending your rhyme for the entirety or majority of a verse. it seems as though you do things like that, as well as post 13 verses in one day in OM to challenge yourself and almost sensationalize your writing. it is good enough to stand on its own without the stunts but do you bro. just letting you know..

[oats]

I liked this. I think you excel with storytelling. The setting was constructed, the characters, though somewhat flat, worked well within the story, and you injected the conflict nicely. It's textbook, and that's a compliment. Your style is unique and you execute well.

I think you ran into a common problem with topical narratives here: the pacing. The time you took to just to build up to the action was about twice as long as the actual conflict and resolution itself. Think of it like this: beginning/middle/end should be roughly equivalent (with exceptions, of course), but about 2/3 of this verse was beginning, with middle and end crammed into the last 1/3. Though your writing is certainly good enough for most people to overlook that, I think it is something you could tighten up in the future.

It's tough because you also want people to read it, and most people shy away from longer pieces. At least dropping feed on them. But if the goal is to write the best verse you can write, don't concern yourself with length; let the story dictate how long it takes to be told.

All in all, this was a fun read. It entertained more than it challenged, but that's just as difficult to do, and often yields more palatable results. You're clearly one of the more talented writers around, so I'm not going to get into the strengths too much - by now you've heard plenty acknowledge them. I enjoyed this a lot though.

[Frank]

This got a good response. Please continue to read the rest of the mini series.

It is not easy to tell a compelling story in 32 lines or less. And even tougher to accomplish in 24 lines. I wrote with a clear objective of 32 line short story due to their being a number of topics. These storys could easily be novels but they are short storys, an art in itself. So yes, Pacing is critical @oats. My advice is, start your short stories as close as you can to the final line. Beginning Middle End is rather outdated in this day and time.

@dead man , I definitely look at writing as a challenge. All the shit I write has a certain stigma to it. I write soundtracks so the emotion conveyed is always different. I've written a lot of pieces (over 50) with a 'currant' running through it. At this point its become more about the story for me, more so than Rhyming. I consider myself a writer but at heart Im an Emcee/Rapper/Poet.

RhymeNReason.net/forum shout out

[oats]

Apologies @Frank. This verse is beyond reproach, there is nothing off about the pacing, and because you attempted something difficult with moderate success there is nothing to improve upon.

[PancakeBrah]

Wack.

[sacrifice]

Nice.

[Frank]

@Sacrafice

You want to topical battle?

[Lars]

Originally Posted by Eviscerate

If Cynthia is married to Paul Wessler, why doesnt she have same last name as him

lmao i took it to read as Cynthia Dora were her first and middle names, Dora wasn't her surname?

[Rawn MD]

i almost skpped bc i didnt want to read a novel

but i saw it wasnt to the extent of normal so i peeped, and enjoyed.

like usual

u kno my fav part of ur writing is ur creative liscence with ur wordchoice, it gives it a personal feel

but u already kno i dig u

BT/Ink Blots...lol

stay up

[Frank]

Originally Posted by Lars

lmao i took it to read as Cynthia Dora were her first and middle names, Dora wasn't her surname?

Cynthia Dora the explorer

[Frank]

All aboard! !!

[Frank]

Room for One more passenger

[Plot]

Very much enjoyed this read.
Pros: the multi kept throughout reeks of lyrical sickness
the story was great. The opener was pretty sweet scheme.
Only Con: I didn't get that she preggers until close to the end,
coulda pointed it out a bit earlier, unless I missed it
....
Nice read Frank, Im glad I read it and enjoyed it.