Field of Dreams (AOWL No show piece)

[breathless]

Since the thread is closed, I'd appreciate some legit feed, what I did right/wrong etc. This is the first time I tried to go with more of a story style for the league, and then it gets no showed smh...

______________________


I know, it's a hard decision, but it's all we have left dear.
I've sold the farm equipment, it's gone. There is no next year.
Yet this fall feels the best... It's weird.
No more toiling our lives away in soil that's lined with hay.

Looking at better horizons while the whethers just die and fade.
Floods of tears will only worry us once the other is gone.
What's unclear though, surely, is the smother of fog.
Our memories are distant, everything reminiscent
has become unsettling, inefficient for remembering.
So this is...
The present we have to live in for the moment, regifted.
I wish you would still know it once tomorrow's sun has risen.

But you won't, and that's okay...
just another day in the life of a bald rhymer.
I hope you can hear me everytime that I say:
I love you, my little old white haired wife with Alzheimer's.

Christ, if I wanted to, I could berate you,
for the curse of taking care to take care of you
I could repeat myself every hour as the rates grew.
Sometimes, I hate to say, but it's true,
the end might be the greatest news tonight.

You must be getting tired, you keep leaning closer.
Your head is growing too heavy on my feeble shoulder.
Plus, it's starting to get dark out, and what's more, you're cold.
Let's go inside, call it a night... my stories are told.

Move over a bit so I can get up and help you to your feet.
Honey...hey... Yoohoo...honey...
huhhh... My my, you're already asleep.

As he nudges her, she doesn't move...

and he finally breathes a sigh of relief.

[Frank]

Well done

[Split]

I know, it's a hard decision, but it's all we have left dear.
I've sold the farm equipment, it's gone. There is no next year.
> strong opening. I liked the nuanced first line. "All they have left" could be referring to the hard decision before them; the farm equipment- as in all they have left is their tools and nothing to grow; or what remains of the year. Not only does it immediately reflect the picture, but it frames the narration as both a justification of this harrowing moment and as an exploration of the forces at play.

Yet this fall feels the best... It's weird.
No more toiling our lives away in soil that's lined with hay.
> "it's weird" is kinda juvenile and out of place.

Looking at better horizons while the whethers just die and fade.
Floods of tears will only worry us once the other is gone.
>'horizons' was a really nice hidden rhyme with 'our lives' that let you stretch that bar. didn't catch what you meant by 'other'

What's unclear though, surely, is the smother of fog.
Our memories are distant, everything reminiscent
has become unsettling, inefficient for remembering.
So this is...
The present we have to live in for the moment, regifted.
I wish you would still know it once tomorrow's sun has risen.
>I think a strong multi at the end would have made this section ring. Kind of wordy with your joining words (this, we, to, in, for, it, etc.)

But you won't, and that's okay...
just another day in the life of a bald rhymer.
I hope you can hear me everytime that I say:
I love you, my little old white haired wife with Alzheimer's.

Christ, if I wanted to, I could berate you,
for the curse of taking care to take care of you
I could repeat myself every hour as the rates grew.
Sometimes, I hate to say, but it's true,
the end might be the greatest news tonight.

You must be getting tired, you keep leaning closer.
Your head is growing too heavy on my feeble shoulder.
Plus, it's starting to get dark out, and what's more, you're cold.
Let's go inside, call it a night... my stories are told.
>loved "my stories are told"

Move over a bit so I can get up and help you to your feet.
Honey...hey... Yoohoo...honey...
huhhh... My my, you're already asleep.

As he nudges her, she doesn't move...

and he finally breathes a sigh of relief.[/QUOTE]



cool piece. we should topical battle in the BA, I can drum up votes.

Your storytelling grew infinitely since the last piece you wrote, and clearly you focused heavily on the interpersonal relationship here- which plays to your strengths as an abstract writer. Sometimes I find the strongest details and emotional responses come out of indirect, imperfect, or downplayed comparisons. Like how the strongest notes in music have a joining 7th or 9th chord that is maybe dissonant, but gives resolution to the pretty sounds. That being said, I think you could humanize your characters a lot more by delving into microcosms of their world.

Rhymes were consistent but sometimes full of small, simplistic words. I mean the language is very accessible that way, but it feels a bit descriptively dry and repetitive even as you outline new thoughts and ideas.


Great writing though. Opening was truly impressive from a critical standpoint

keep keyin