**Freeverse**

Matriarch · 09-29-2013, 07:43 AM

Wrote this while waiting for my car to be fixed bla

so if society’s a cesspool are we doom from the start?
toxic fume rise. suicide. jubilant goths.
its oxymoronic, surely so but scour the cost
the price of living’s higher - system spire gossamer yarn
threads of justice pelvis thrusting hard the vulnerable kind
solvent and slime - unresolved contempt jogging the line
between love and hatred; lovely aint it? fault in the matrix?
nah, just virus, viral spiralling...out of control
Vladimir’s hold - out for blood; vampirical state
empire of vast valuables and intricate maze
a most distant of gaze with subtle hints of estrange
familiarity, rooted deep in history’s page
continuous ways instigating cycle of violence...
socially speaking of course; self destruction down to a science
pounding pavements while the gift for gabs’ rounding the papers
thousands of acres. serene scenic calming silence of nature
waterfront. make it rain! dipped in diamond and lakes. the...
media’s selects the view; skeptical to the problems facing
as foxtrot wide-eye like: “It’s Obama nation”
Wait, abomination?

zygote · 09-29-2013, 09:53 AM

Really great, good effort especially for the selects the view; skeptical playing around with the language and rhyme schemes. It has been said that English is a bad language for rhyming when compared to other languages. Perhaps that is correct but it is not clear when slant rhyming is utilized so well. Also enjoyed the 'oxymoronic' and the 'viral spiraling' wordplays and the all of the subtle alliterations.

Zen · 09-29-2013, 11:56 AM

What's up matriarch? I liked this. The sarcasm in some of the lines cracked me up like the lovely ain't it line. Likely zy said the wording in this was subtle but had impact for such a short piece. Get active again.

Eŋg · 10-08-2013, 10:12 PM

i think your transitions impute a fluid cerebration. that said, there's still something a bit broken thus unpredictable about your style... i contradicted myself a bit.

you've got a good thing going. the way you colour phrasings/ideas with subtle tropes or more obvious articulations. not sure if it's purposeful or polished to a second nature. i like your nuance, basically. almost makes me want to write more.

thanks.

@Matriarch (in case you don't see this)

add. we should breed. for the sake of science. or perhaps tessellate.

NYCSPITZ · 10-09-2013, 01:16 PM

Mentally engaging and fluid piece. I'll echo oxus here and say that I felt this was a rather fragmented drop; freeflowing scattered although far higher than average mental energy. For a freeverse it was excellent, you have a strong command of the English language, you're creative and you have some very pointed ideas that recur in your verses. I can see the Black D. imitation which isn't a bad thing, he's the best writer here. stay up

Dope girl · 10-09-2013, 01:24 PM

This was an awesome freestyle, you should get into audios, you are ready with hype.

Geno · 10-09-2013, 05:19 PM

I love you

NYCSPITZ · 10-09-2013, 06:52 PM

post 1,000 tho

Split · 10-09-2013, 07:01 PM

hahah, the feed in here..

I feel like there's a couple grammatical disconnects between your line ends and end starts. like, is each end line supposed to be a full stop? cos sometimes you use punctuation at the end.

don't see the Black D comparison, the progression is different. stream of consciousness vs. free association, maybe?

i dont have enough battery life to break down the meaning much. sorry chief. go collab with people srs. You and oXus on a cypher style collab would be lyrical assassination. or poetic.

cool. keep keyin hM.

Mr. J · 10-09-2013, 07:07 PM

Seemed different from the other piece I read
quite the vocab you have some people I seen lately just blurt words out
seems like you know what you are aiming at here and therr
this is a freeverse though Id like to see something more....cohesive from you

Bodey · 10-09-2013, 10:12 PM

loved your transitions, shit was dope

liked the last line the best. abomination indeed

e11even · 10-10-2013, 12:02 AM

This was way above norm stuff for a freeverse. Very deliberate, and so much so that I
think if you actually spent time you would blow allota ppl's shit way out the water. This
was excellent for what you stated it was. The only real flaw to it imo, was how the rhyme
scheme transitions in the first have didn't happen smoothly enough for a seemless read
throughout. Other than that, pretty solid and intelligent work. Props...

09-29-2013, 07:43 AM	#1
Matriarch Member Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 51 Rep Power: 0	Freeverse Wrote this while waiting for my car to be fixed bla so if society’s a cesspool are we doom from the start? toxic fume rise. suicide. jubilant goths. its oxymoronic, surely so but scour the cost the price of living’s higher - system spire gossamer yarn threads of justice pelvis thrusting hard the vulnerable kind solvent and slime - unresolved contempt jogging the line between love and hatred; lovely aint it? fault in the matrix? nah, just virus, viral spiralling...out of control Vladimir’s hold - out for blood; vampirical state empire of vast valuables and intricate maze a most distant of gaze with subtle hints of estrange familiarity, rooted deep in history’s page continuous ways instigating cycle of violence... socially speaking of course; self destruction down to a science pounding pavements while the gift for gabs’ rounding the papers thousands of acres. serene scenic calming silence of nature waterfront. make it rain! dipped in diamond and lakes. the... media’s selects the view; skeptical to the problems facing as foxtrot wide-eye like: “It’s Obama nation” Wait, abomination? __________________ "I’m leavin' in ashes when I blaze it, I'm not to be played with Rated R son, PG emcees don't really say shit" - J Treds Last edited by Matriarch; 09-29-2013 at 08:14 AM.

10-08-2013, 10:12 PM	#4
Eŋg rhyme capsule. Join Date: Sep 2018 Posts: 2,150 Rep Power: 0	i think your transitions impute a fluid cerebration. that said, there's still something a bit broken thus unpredictable about your style... i contradicted myself a bit. you've got a good thing going. the way you colour phrasings/ideas with subtle tropes or more obvious articulations. not sure if it's purposeful or polished to a second nature. i like your nuance, basically. almost makes me want to write more. thanks. @Matriarch (in case you don't see this) add. we should breed. for the sake of science. or perhaps tessellate. Last edited by Eŋg; 10-08-2013 at 10:52 PM.

10-09-2013, 05:19 PM	#7
Geno White Earl Join Date: Jan 2013 Location: Philly Cat. Posts: 12,354 Battle Record: 10-15 Accomplishments - Open Mic HOF (4x) Champed - Netcees Writers League - Write Week I - Write Week 8 Rep Power: 50036761	I love you __________________ *-A.bove T.he R.est*

10-09-2013, 07:01 PM	#9
Split . Join Date: Aug 2013 Posts: 8,898 Battle Record: 27-22 Rep Power: 85899399	hahah, the feed in here.. I feel like there's a couple grammatical disconnects between your line ends and end starts. like, is each end line supposed to be a full stop? cos sometimes you use punctuation at the end. don't see the Black D comparison, the progression is different. stream of consciousness vs. free association, maybe? i dont have enough battery life to break down the meaning much. sorry chief. go collab with people srs. You and oXus on a cypher style collab would be lyrical assassination. or poetic. cool. keep keyin hM. __________________ http://split8.yolasite.com

10-09-2013, 07:07 PM	#10
Mr. J The Clown Prince Join Date: Apr 2013 Posts: 5,046 Battle Record: 35-45 Champed - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 59349682	Seemed different from the other piece I read quite the vocab you have some people I seen lately just blurt words out seems like you know what you are aiming at here and therr this is a freeverse though Id like to see something more....cohesive from you __________________ .....laugh....and the world laughs with you

09-29-2013, 09:53 AM	#2
zygote Senior Member Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 501 Battle Record: 33-12 Accomplishments - OM HOF (2x) Champed - Art of Writing League (3x) Rep Power: 737828	Really great, good effort especially for the selects the view; skeptical playing around with the language and rhyme schemes. It has been said that English is a bad language for rhyming when compared to other languages. Perhaps that is correct but it is not clear when slant rhyming is utilized so well. Also enjoyed the 'oxymoronic' and the 'viral spiraling' wordplays and the all of the subtle alliterations.

09-29-2013, 11:56 AM	#3
Zen Arm the Homeless Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 4,102 Battle Record: 22-24 Champed - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 35079722	What's up matriarch? I liked this. The sarcasm in some of the lines cracked me up like the lovely ain't it line. Likely zy said the wording in this was subtle but had impact for such a short piece. Get active again.

10-09-2013, 01:16 PM	#5
NYCSPITZ SYRACUSE Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 4,031 Battle Record: 31-37 Champed - Write Night II - Alias Topical Tournament Rep Power: 4743547	Mentally engaging and fluid piece. I'll echo oxus here and say that I felt this was a rather fragmented drop; freeflowing scattered although far higher than average mental energy. For a freeverse it was excellent, you have a strong command of the English language, you're creative and you have some very pointed ideas that recur in your verses. I can see the Black D. imitation which isn't a bad thing, he's the best writer here. stay up

10-09-2013, 01:24 PM	#6
Dope girl Senior Member Join Date: Jan 2013 Location: I live in Florida Posts: 4,789 Battle Record: 3-8 Rep Power: 55521419	This was an awesome freestyle, you should get into audios, you are ready with hype.

10-09-2013, 06:52 PM	#8
NYCSPITZ SYRACUSE Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 4,031 Battle Record: 31-37 Champed - Write Night II - Alias Topical Tournament Rep Power: 4743547	post 1,000 tho

10-10-2013, 12:02 AM	#12
e11even V.V Join Date: Sep 2013 Location: . Posts: 2,076 Battle Record: 31-20 Rep Power: 6247259	This was way above norm stuff for a freeverse. Very deliberate, and so much so that I think if you actually spent time you would blow allota ppl's shit way out the water. This was excellent for what you stated it was. The only real flaw to it imo, was how the rhyme scheme transitions in the first have didn't happen smoothly enough for a seemless read throughout. Other than that, pretty solid and intelligent work. Props... __________________ Ahem.