11:59PM

[dead man]

ah


truly unattached to any character plot
pick the rose, let it pool your blood. remember me not
as the devil grasses drop into a central crevasse
cliffside, like a melody I've all but forgotten
the scent of you can bring it back. the crack of a whip
madame of the mist. cancer sticking to my flesh like a cyst
woodwind rifts like wooden rafts descending the styx
overthinking every action was as simple as this
cymbal crash. symbol status, shallow side of the pit
pluck your heart until it snaps, like instruments. be that your wish
carnal red the growl and fang to empty your gaze
pulsing veins like all those strobe machines we worshipped at raves
eyeball pressure, sinus affection. searching for dissonance
blacking out electric funerals we turned into christenings
it's not your business where i ended up, i left you a message
you never returned the favor so i never regret it
vegetation in the pottery. flamethrower the beverage
a silhouette like splinter cells and private detectives
the wind, it cries like something grinding gently against it
when everyone's enthralled i feel so uninterested
falling back on attitude, habitual penchant
black sledgehammer in my skull to make a lasting impression
obscure the stars like camouflage was smoky perfume
draining Morgan like i traded 40 golden doubloons
stupid as a motherfucker. older than new
the type to hear a blatant lie and hope that it's true
sure as oceans are blue. there's a ghost in your room
hiding in your breath. let the poison pollute
spongy soil in summertime, her rose was in bloom
so i'm gauging bloody roots to harvest all of the fruit
overdose and act like i was forced to abuse
hatred fucking china dolls, i've seen Mulan in the rouge
I'm not saddened by it anymore. I'm only confused
why nobody seems to realize theres nothing to lose





deadman

[AndyHiro]

You know, this kind of drop needs a dissection cuz it's cool just doesn't quite cut it. Since I'm as sober as I can possibly be tonight this will probably be my best effort. Let's give it a shot.

ah
truly unattached to any character plot
pick the rose, let it pool your blood. remember me not
as the devil grasses drop into a central crevasse
cliffside, like a melody I've all but forgotten

I really like how you set up of the narration here. Introduces your Gothic themes right away.

the scent of you can bring it back. the crack of a whip
madame of the mist. cancer sticking to my flesh like a cyst
woodwind rifts like wooden rafts descending the styx
overthinking every action was as simple as this
cymbal crash. symbol status, shallow side of the pit
pluck your heart until it snaps, like instruments. be that your wish

Love/hate, death, and music. Aren't they the same in many ways? Cool use of imagery. "woodwind rifts like wooden rafts descending the styx" This line especially stands out to me cause it uses more than one technique. It's a metaphor for music and death but also like a play on words like rift and riff. Atleast I think it is. Nice.

carnal red the growl and fang to empty your gaze 
pulsing veins like all those strobe machines we worshipped at raves
eyeball pressure, sinus affection. searching for dissonance
blacking out electric funerals we turned into christenings

Vampire clubbin' swag. Don't think I've come across that before in lyrical form. That is unique as shit. Makes me think of that HBO show with the vamps living in modern society for some reason.

it's not your business where i ended up, i left you a message
you never returned the favor so i never regret it
vegetation in the pottery. flamethrower the beverage
a silhouette like splinter cells and private detectives
the wind, it cries like something grinding gently against it
when everyone's enthralled i feel so uninterested
falling back on attitude, habitual penchant
black sledgehammer in my skull to make a lasting impression

You slow it back down a bit here, bring it to a more reality based feel. My tired brain thanks you for the reprieve. Also my inner child(which is actually not much different from my outer man) loves the splinter cell reference.

obscure the stars like camouflage was smoky perfume
draining Morgan like i traded 40 golden doubloons

JP Morgan reference/vampire metaphor that's really clever it made my head spin for a bit.

stupid as a motherfucker. older than new
the type to hear a blatant lie and hope that it's true
sure as oceans are blue. there's a ghost in your room
hiding in your breath. let the poison pollute
spongy soil in summertime, her rose was in bloom
so i'm gauging bloody roots to harvest all of the fruit
overdose and act like i was forced to abuse
hatred fucking china dolls, i've seen Mulan in the rouge
I'm not saddened by it anymore. I'm only confused
why nobody seems to realize theres nothing to lose



deadman

Nice way to close it. You got this very interesting ebb and flow. It's like an ocean wave that drifts and crashes at different tempos in a seamless kind a way. A lot of people are here are kinda spoken word but I can actually see this work on an instrumental. Do you do this stuff to a beat, cuz it feels like it.

Great work Bro. I'm going to sleep now.

[CopyPat]

My n*****. I tried to rep you for your feed on my thread but it didn't let me. Must spread more herpes around to other members before i can add to your sickness again... "keep a Raincoat on deck" was too good, haha.

Anyways the verse. This was a little different from you which i liked to see. It was a little darker feeling. It was more black and less grey. It seemed more quickly written and less polished than your "normal" drops? Like there was less perfect rhymes and more slanting. I enjoyed the switch up. Vocab as usual very authentic. U use fancy words often but never too much that it kills the flow or the atmosphere of your verses. You're a special one old pal. Love to see what you write, and the fact that you write so Often and so consistently great is impressive. I didn't see what ended up happening but did you get into the hof??? Honestly if you're not in it then idunno who ever should be. Illness

[big baby]

Originally Posted by CopyPat

Honestly if you're not in it then idunno who ever should be. Illness

negged

[CopyPat]

lol, dick..

Originally Posted by CopyPat

comparing this to BB actually makes me appreciate his open mics even more. they have this same kindof feel to them a little but they're way more focused

Give black some real feed
also peep my new open mic, i went a little different with it

[big baby]

Originally Posted by CopyPat

lol, dick..



Give black some real feed
also peep my new open mic, i went a little different with it

ive gave him enough for the month. ill feed this piece l8er. and that was to another piece. so basically u didnt appreciate me before.


bish idiyote

[theMuzzl3]

Great read. Great theme. I feel this is good poetry. Your vocabulary is excellent, and I had to "google define" a few words. I think "affection" was supposed to be "infection".

My interpretation is its basically a love poem about a girl who you parted ways with. Emotion spews upon the lines with several concepts, all going towards the theme. The ending lines signified to me that you saw either the same rose or another, and looked back with a newly learned experience through emotions you went through.

+'d

[Certain]

I owed you feedback from the Short-Verse Topical Tournament semifinals, and I'm glad I stumbled across this verse when I finally got time away from my busy work schedule to even us up. This was very good but a bit uneven, with a few references and lines that threw me off the trail a bit. I'll start by quoting my favorite passages:

cliffside, like a melody I've all but forgotten
the scent of you can bring it back. the crack of a whip
madame of the mist. cancer sticking to my flesh like a cyst
woodwind rifts like wooden rafts descending the styx
overthinking every action was as simple as this
cymbal crash. symbol status, shallow side of the pit
pluck your heart until it snaps, like instruments. be that your wish
carnal red the growl and fang to empty your gaze
pulsing veins like all those strobe machines we worshipped at raves
eyeball pressure, sinus affection. searching for dissonance
blacking out electric funerals we turned into christenings
it's not your business where i ended up, i left you a message
you never returned the favor so i never regret it

There's a lot going on in that section. You reference cigarettes enough that I can't help but associate "madame of the mist. cancer sticking to my flesh like a cyst" to the smell and sight of a woman smoking in your presence. The first word in that section seems like an allusion to one of my favorite verses by you, "Cliffside." But I really like the musical images and the way you shaped them into a very modernist form. I'm picturing 2010s synth pop here, rather than the more common allusions to a time past. Your writing comes alive so much more when you weave in a central theme.

a silhouette like splinter cells and private detectives

Awesome, awesome image.

stupid as a motherfucker. older than new
the type to hear a blatant lie and hope that it's true
sure as oceans are blue. there's a ghost in your room
hiding in your breath. let the poison pollute
spongy soil in summertime, her rose was in bloom

I like when you blend the transparent with the opaque like this. This is a good sample of what makes you such a great writer.

Now, that leaves about a third of the verse that I didn't like as much, so let's talk about those sections:

truly unattached to any character plot
pick the rose, let it pool your blood. remember me not
as the devil grasses drop into a central crevasse

It was tough to dig into your flow, much more than normal, at the start. That third line really threw me, I guess because I'd never heard the phrase "devil grasses" but also because the cadence was way off. You hit stride quickly after, though.

vegetation in the pottery. flamethrower the beverage

I don't know why, but this didn't set right with me even as the lead-in to my favorite line of the verse. Weed in a pipe, I guess?

the wind, it cries like something grinding gently against it
when everyone's enthralled i feel so uninterested
falling back on attitude, habitual penchant
black sledgehammer in my skull to make a lasting impression
obscure the stars like camouflage was smoky perfume
draining Morgan like i traded 40 golden doubloons

The wording was a bit off here. The idea behind that first couplet was great, but you didn't deliver it with the same smoothness I expect from you. "Enthralled" might not have been the right word. That was kind of the case throughout this six-line run, where your wording didn't seem quite as graceful. "Golden doubloons," for instance, is redundant.

so i'm gauging bloody roots to harvest all of the fruit
overdose and act like i was forced to abuse
hatred fucking china dolls, i've seen Mulan in the rouge
I'm not saddened by it anymore. I'm only confused
why nobody seems to realize theres nothing to lose

Something about the way you ended this sort of reminded me of "I'm in It." There's a degree of shock-value that I don't expect from you, which I suppose made it effective but didn't really work so near the end. The last couplet was just a bit more trite and obvious than I'm used to from you.

Ultimately, I liked this verse quite a bit. Nothing was bad except maybe that third line and the Mulan reference. Thanks for the read.

[dead man]

hey you
out there on your own
sitting naked by the phone
would you touch me?

[Witty]

yes.

[dead man]

:D

[NYCSPITZ]

Gay shit

[dead man]

Certain sorry you didn't enjoy the Mulan reference

Any disney ref is great for me because childhood

[Certain]

Your childhood involved raping Mulan?

[dead man]

Did yours not?