boooooooooom

Vulgar · 08-09-2013, 01:07 AM

W

Split · 08-09-2013, 02:47 AM

The first scheme in your second verse is literally perfect. Almost reminiscent of Garfield by Hail Mary Mallon. Like the use of "proles file down iron shafts" a lot.

Hamas cops tailgate your trailblazer with spell waivers

I have found a minimum of three ways to interpret that sentence, *within* the context of the verse even, and have it mean something and make sense.

"All the want to do in Quebec" was an uncharacteristically weak transition, for me.

Adam's apple line was bittersweet, walnuts on an open fire style (I'm greedy for holiday spirits) (what is that celebrating anyways?????? Christianity isn't pagan LOL)

Everything after that washed over me, but it was pleasant and rich and fun fact: I have never had gumbo. Nor do I know what it means

This verse was great for me, incredibly patterned imagery coupled with lyrical brevity wrapped snug in a cable-knit, cashmere/ synaesthtic visio-thematic blend, bleeding into deep sea bends in the marinara meatball trench! If that makes sense (which it actually does if you look past the continental plate!)

Serious though. Fantastic rhyming in a entertaining and technically masterful package.

I hope your next year is not a wash, Mr. Vulgar

Certain · 08-09-2013, 03:58 AM

This sort of verse must be appreciated as a collage of fragmented masterpieces or disregarded as a pile of broken rubbish. The flow carried me through because your rhyme scheme was ridiculous. I had flashes of a single-path narrative, and each of your lines individually made some level of sense to me (excepting the few where I had no frames of reference on your allusions).

Those allusions were such a unique mixture. You had Korova Milk Bars stuck in Canadian provinces and bodies of water taking United Nations dick. I put together some level of commentary on the world's socioeconomic climate, but I'm not sure the thesis was completed. I say I'm not sure because, again, there were a small handful of lines I simply didn't understand. I have no idea what "Karzamakov" means, for instance. I even Googled that one, to no avail.

My preference tends to be writing grounded in concrete images. But that might be my writing ability talking. I simply couldn't write something like this, and I appreciate the level of skill that goes into it.

veritas · 08-09-2013, 02:42 PM

circuitbreakers in his mouth like fried gumbo, tonguing a kundalini

damn.

BWHAHA · 08-09-2013, 07:55 PM

very sophisistcatded

PancakeBrah · 08-09-2013, 08:00 PM

I ENJOYED THIS BUT I'M BOYCOTTING FULL FEED FOR THE MOMENT.

08-09-2013, 01:07 AM	#1
Vulgar Razor-thin derision Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 4,422 Battle Record: 40-25 Accomplishments - OM HOF Champed - Fight Night LIV - Gimmick Battle League (2x) - Write Week II - Art of Writing League - Storytelling And Topical Invitational Tournament - STI - Haiku Writer Challenge - GWL Picture Challenge(2x) Rep Power: 49604320	boooooooooom W Last edited by Vulgar; 12-03-2021 at 09:42 PM.

08-09-2013, 02:47 AM	#2
Split . Join Date: Aug 2013 Posts: 8,898 Battle Record: 27-22 Rep Power: 85899399	The first scheme in your second verse is literally perfect. Almost reminiscent of Garfield by Hail Mary Mallon. Like the use of "proles file down iron shafts" a lot. Hamas cops tailgate your trailblazer with spell waivers I have found a minimum of three ways to interpret that sentence, within the context of the verse even, and have it mean something and make sense. "All the want to do in Quebec" was an uncharacteristically weak transition, for me. Adam's apple line was bittersweet, walnuts on an open fire style (I'm greedy for holiday spirits) (what is that celebrating anyways?????? Christianity isn't pagan LOL) Everything after that washed over me, but it was pleasant and rich and fun fact: I have never had gumbo. Nor do I know what it means This verse was great for me, incredibly patterned imagery coupled with lyrical brevity wrapped snug in a cable-knit, cashmere/ synaesthtic visio-thematic blend, bleeding into deep sea bends in the marinara meatball trench! If that makes sense (which it actually does if you look past the continental plate!) Serious though. Fantastic rhyming in a entertaining and technically masterful package. I hope your next year is not a wash, Mr. Vulgar __________________ http://split8.yolasite.com

08-09-2013, 03:58 AM	#3
Certain Mad fucking dangerous. Join Date: Jul 2013 Posts: 12,066 Battle Record: 40-19 Champed - AOWL Season 3 - Art of Writing League (2x) Rep Power: 85899406	This sort of verse must be appreciated as a collage of fragmented masterpieces or disregarded as a pile of broken rubbish. The flow carried me through because your rhyme scheme was ridiculous. I had flashes of a single-path narrative, and each of your lines individually made some level of sense to me (excepting the few where I had no frames of reference on your allusions). Those allusions were such a unique mixture. You had Korova Milk Bars stuck in Canadian provinces and bodies of water taking United Nations dick. I put together some level of commentary on the world's socioeconomic climate, but I'm not sure the thesis was completed. I say I'm not sure because, again, there were a small handful of lines I simply didn't understand. I have no idea what "Karzamakov" means, for instance. I even Googled that one, to no avail. My preference tends to be writing grounded in concrete images. But that might be my writing ability talking. I simply couldn't write something like this, and I appreciate the level of skill that goes into it. __________________ I'm just swinging swords strictly based on keyboards, unbalanced like elephants and ants on seesaws.

08-09-2013, 08:00 PM	#6
PancakeBrah SOBER Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 12,480 Battle Record: 2-5 Champed - AOWL Season 2 Rep Power: 85899407	I ENJOYED THIS BUT I'M BOYCOTTING FULL FEED FOR THE MOMENT. __________________ Netcees 2025 Revivalist Movement Founder

08-09-2013, 07:55 PM	#5
BWHAHA Sophomore Member Join Date: Aug 2013 Posts: 176 Rep Power: 4754293	very sophisistcatded