No Show Elements Story

Cashius · 08-06-2013, 07:40 PM

I got a letter from my son...

He's a college bother at my alma mater...I'm proud as I'm probably able
That's part of the favor...for me to pay for four years of his marketing major
He says he's doing well, but school is hell. I'm hoping it builds character
He's the type of kid, give him the world on a silver platter...he'll still swear at ya
Apparently he's got a girlfriend now. He says she's truly perfection
She's a loser, I'm guessing...but I'm just PRAYING their using protection
The letter ain't bout the hunny, he's out of money...needs me to float some G's
I guess waking at 9, smoking some weed, and 12 credits don't come cheap
I wanna tell him to fuck off and get a job. I swear...It's honestly true
But I'd like to digress...I write him the check. That's what a father should do

I got another letter from my son...

It's been a few years since my last letter...the fuckin' boy's a mess
It sounds like he's putting that degree to use...cashing his unemployment checks
He's spending his free time on drums and weed. Conducting a hazy opus
It may be hopeless...I don't think there's many employers hiring lazy tokers
He says I'm a grandfather. But not to worry, he'll save me the stress...
Thank GOD that part-time tattoo artist was either shook or crazy...took his baby and left
I'm not surprised when he asks for cash. I mean, I gotta believe...
Awhile in court and child support don't come easy, honest, or cheap on $300 per week
Fuck it, I send the money. What if he's on a "lose your life" fringe
Look, I don't care what rules you site... I'm just trying to do the right thing

I found a letter from my son...

This one reads "Dear ol' Dad...I don't want to make this cliche.
and really, I hate to seem lame. But I just can't take it these days
You think sending some checks could mend up my wreck...Fuck it your wrong
Really?...I couldn't get nothing so small as a fucking phone call?
Since I was in the cradle you rocked...you've bailed me out. Don't label me shocked
Mailing me guap whenever I want...That's what you call an enabler, Pops
I know it's morbid, but hey...no more chunks of cash when I'm stored in a grave
With me gone...just think of how much more you can save in your 401K...

So, alas...you're son is through.
Oh, and thanks for last few sums of loot...I bought a brand new gun to use"

Mike Wrecka · 08-06-2013, 08:06 PM

this was dope. as far as structure goes it was good but not great. some of the bars seemed a little bit stretched at times. and it read slightly like a battle verse in spots for some reason. but the multis while subtle were very effective.

what really stood out was the story itself. it was powerful. and I liked the far past, to the near past, to the present time frame set up. worked really well and had a dope ending with a message and a lot of emotion in that last stanza. good work.

SiK · 08-08-2013, 12:20 AM

Been wanting to feed this piece....glad you posted it here

First of all the way in which you made the story progress was dope as shit. The concept itself was nice and you executed it so well. Really surprised only because I've never seen you write in this fashion. It was really simple in some parts but it didn't even matter because the story itself was so sick...Really impressed with this Cash...you should do more OM/Topical peices

God Of War · 08-08-2013, 12:27 AM

I thought this was dope as fuck just what a story should be imo. I hate when people try to make a story verse to dictionaried out or to abstract because the story should be the main focus

with that being said this was nasty man

the story was g and some shit that could n probably has happened

08-06-2013, 07:40 PM	#1
Cashius I'M A MONSTER! Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 1,555 Battle Record: 77-13 Accomplishments - Hall of Fame Champed - Battle Arena - 1-2 Punch League (2x) - The Quick & The Dead II - BA Swag & Flow Tournament - 1-2 Season 3 - NBL Season 6 - The Elements - Fall Brawl II - Netcees Battle League (4x) - NBL Season 9 - Summer Classic VII - 50+ Wins - The Winter Classic - Tag Team Tourney -1-2 Punch League Rep Power: 20257523	No Show Elements Story I got a letter from my son... He's a college bother at my alma mater...I'm proud as I'm probably able That's part of the favor...for me to pay for four years of his marketing major He says he's doing well, but school is hell. I'm hoping it builds character He's the type of kid, give him the world on a silver platter...he'll still swear at ya Apparently he's got a girlfriend now. He says she's truly perfection She's a loser, I'm guessing...but I'm just PRAYING their using protection The letter ain't bout the hunny, he's out of money...needs me to float some G's I guess waking at 9, smoking some weed, and 12 credits don't come cheap I wanna tell him to fuck off and get a job. I swear...It's honestly true But I'd like to digress...I write him the check. That's what a father should do I got another letter from my son... It's been a few years since my last letter...the fuckin' boy's a mess It sounds like he's putting that degree to use...cashing his unemployment checks He's spending his free time on drums and weed. Conducting a hazy opus It may be hopeless...I don't think there's many employers hiring lazy tokers He says I'm a grandfather. But not to worry, he'll save me the stress... Thank GOD that part-time tattoo artist was either shook or crazy...took his baby and left I'm not surprised when he asks for cash. I mean, I gotta believe... Awhile in court and child support don't come easy, honest, or cheap on $300 per week Fuck it, I send the money. What if he's on a "lose your life" fringe Look, I don't care what rules you site... I'm just trying to do the right thing I found a letter from my son... This one reads "Dear ol' Dad...I don't want to make this cliche. and really, I hate to seem lame. But I just can't take it these days You think sending some checks could mend up my wreck...Fuck it your wrong Really?...I couldn't get nothing so small as a fucking phone call? Since I was in the cradle you rocked...you've bailed me out. Don't label me shocked Mailing me guap whenever I want...That's what you call an enabler, Pops I know it's morbid, but hey...no more chunks of cash when I'm stored in a grave With me gone...just think of how much more you can save in your 401K... So, alas...you're son is through. Oh, and thanks for last few sums of loot...I bought a brand new gun to use"

08-06-2013, 08:06 PM	#2
Mike Wrecka WOW Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 3,591 Battle Record: 29-25 Champed - Writing Challenge League I Rep Power: 82779338	this was dope. as far as structure goes it was good but not great. some of the bars seemed a little bit stretched at times. and it read slightly like a battle verse in spots for some reason. but the multis while subtle were very effective. what really stood out was the story itself. it was powerful. and I liked the far past, to the near past, to the present time frame set up. worked really well and had a dope ending with a message and a lot of emotion in that last stanza. good work. __________________ A.bove T.he R.est

08-08-2013, 12:20 AM	#3
SiK Sergeant Slaughter Join Date: Mar 1986 Posts: 1,913 Battle Record: 13-4 Rep Power: 3648788	Been wanting to feed this piece....glad you posted it here First of all the way in which you made the story progress was dope as shit. The concept itself was nice and you executed it so well. Really surprised only because I've never seen you write in this fashion. It was really simple in some parts but it didn't even matter because the story itself was so sick...Really impressed with this Cash...you should do more OM/Topical peices

08-08-2013, 12:27 AM	#4
God Of War The Landlord Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 5,822 Battle Record: 12-10 Rep Power: 10493983	I thought this was dope as fuck just what a story should be imo. I hate when people try to make a story verse to dictionaried out or to abstract because the story should be the main focus with that being said this was nasty man the story was g and some shit that could n probably has happened