Round 1: 13. pharaohsarmy52 vs. 4. Pinot Grij \\ Pinot Grij Wins 5-0

Certain · 08-22-2014, 12:50 AM

Welcome to Round 1!

The Basics

Check-ins are required by Monday, Aug. 25 at 11:59 p.m. PT. If you don't check in, you will be replaced.

Verses are due Thursday, Aug. 28 at 11:59 p.m. PT. THERE ARE NO EXTENSIONS

Votes are due Sunday, Aug. 31 at 11:59 p.m. PT.

Four votes are required from each competitor. For each missing vote, one vote will be deducted. Post proof of voting here.

Verses may not exceed 10 lines. If the length of a writer's lines is called into question, the standard will be 15 words per line, and verses of more than 150 words will be disqualified or required to be shortened.

Standard writing and voting rules are in effect. No biting. No recycling. Votes must be explained. No editing verses after the first vote or the verses deadline. Any other issues will be resolved using Art of Writing League Season 3 rules as the basis.

Topic

Welcome to the Jungle

Good luck, @pharaohsarmy52 and @Pinot Grij.

Pharaohs Army · 08-24-2014, 11:53 PM

welcome to the jungle a sweltering sauna nature cannot be harnessed..
africa south america southeast asia geo graphical places.
sunlight can't escape from it's captured and broken,
in a prism of foliage.. species unnumbered.. each'v them hungry..
tribes paddle on the amazon the jungle just watches.
much like a crocodile does.
the jungle just watched in vietnam,
as GIs walked the foggy swamps to fight the viet cong.
it doesn't decide the fate of the prey or the tiger
it just provides the environment for the out-come.

Pinot Grij · 08-29-2014, 12:40 AM

Tony the Tiger woke up smelling like a horse's vagina
After the whores, he scored some coke and pulled an all-nighter
Adjusted his neckerchief and looked over his lousy apartment
Which appeared even worse after he had doused it in vomit
He thought, "How'd I get here? I only tried to lure kids with sweets...
And then creepily appear at each one of their track meets
Then I got a restraining order. Why? I'm not so sure...
I'd just let the kids know how tight and firm their bodies were.
Then I raped their sweet buttholes, regardless of gender
Oh wait... is anyone really surprised that I'm a fucking sex offender????"

Split · 08-29-2014, 09:13 AM

pharaoh. okay verse, thought that for 10 lines it could've been much more polished. Liked your variety of descriptive mechanisms (foliage was a prism, describing those around the subject to accentuate your tone without being brash), but your closer invalidates almost your entire description. (EDIT: i misspoke, it doesnt)A little cool how this makes it seem like if you get swallowed up by the jungle's charm and atmosphere, you'll fall prey to the one thing you should be paying attention to.

Pinot. Outrhymed and outwrote your opponent. Funny verse, it got a wry smile.

Had Pinot Grij with a less auspicious but more developed and aesthetic piece of writing. Felt her accomplished more with the 10 lines,

sral · 08-29-2014, 09:30 AM

Pinoj took this easy.

Just an all round better verse, well worked, better conceptually. It was humorous but seemed like you hardly got out of fourth gear here, nor needed to.

Vote - Pinoj

PancakeBrah · 08-29-2014, 06:51 PM

WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE WHERE GUNS AND ROS

here. we. go.

PHAROAHSARMY52

welcome to the jungle a sweltering sauna nature cannot be harnessed..
africa south america southeast asia geo graphical places.
sunlight can't escape from it's captured and broken,

mad'am, what is going on here? You need to work on your punctuation OR write in such a way that what you're saying is clearer. From needs a comma bruh bruh. And after sauna. The middle line is a waste of space in a ten line verse. With more lenient restraints on length it could be used as a space filler/scene setter type of line but here it wastes precious space. And can sunlight not escape jungles? I'm no rocket scientist so I don't know.

in a prism of foliage.. species unnumbered.. each'v them hungry..
tribes paddle on the amazon the jungle just watches.
much like a crocodile does.

third line presents the same problem as your geography namegame line. It doesn't carry enough, or any, weight to warrant eating up a line in this short setting. So far your verse has described the jungle then compared it to a croc. That's where we're at.

the jungle just watched in vietnam,
as GIs walked the foggy swamps to fight the viet cong.
it doesn't decide the fate of the prey or the tiger
it just provides the environment for the out-come.

Weak ending. Your rhyming has been loose, to say the least, throughout this piece and was weakest here.

You took the most literal interpretation to the topic possible. Welcome to the Jungle; here's what the jungle is and some things that happened in jungles. The rhymes were lackluster. Paired with the generic content, this piece leaves a lot to be desired.

PEANUT GREASE:

This was good, pinot grij. Tony the Tiger isn't thought of as a child molester so I was like ayyyylmao. The first line's rhyme basically beat pharaoh's entire verse from a technical perspective so you're set there. Your approach to the topic was obviously more creative and left field. I'm not going to do the whole break down thing for you because I'm lazy and everything was pretty airtight here, like Tony's poor victim's buttholes. Good job here guy bro.

Cool like battle. One writer clearly outdid the other.

v/Pinot Grij

Darth Yoda · 08-29-2014, 08:14 PM

quite alright. the hilarity by pg was alright. pa52 wasnt bad and had a few doses of image likeness spread evenly. pg took an unfamiliar route but succeeded in doing so. it was a good match-up but i'll have to go with pg here with just a funnier, direct verse. great read

Certain · 08-30-2014, 01:18 AM

Pinot Grij leads 4-0.

trap · 08-30-2014, 08:01 AM

Phar - Felt like an interesting short story, just missing a few key elements of rhyme format. For half of it, the rhyming part. I actually read it 3 or 4 times and really enjoyed what was written. Would've got my vote in a free form poetry contest.

Pinot - Noone ever takes this route with topicals, and I'm glad you did it and actually did it well. Made me laugh a bit. Well written structure wise and any other way.

If phar had any semblance of structure or a rhyme I feel like this would've been a very difficult battle to vote on.

Vote, Pinot.

08-22-2014, 12:50 AM	#1
Certain Mad fucking dangerous. Join Date: Jul 2013 Posts: 12,066 Battle Record: 40-19 Champed - AOWL Season 3 - Art of Writing League (2x) Rep Power: 85899406	Round 1: 13. pharaohsarmy52 vs. 4. Pinot Grij \\ Pinot Grij Wins 5-0 Welcome to Round 1! The Basics Check-ins are required by Monday, Aug. 25 at 11:59 p.m. PT. If you don't check in, you will be replaced. Verses are due Thursday, Aug. 28 at 11:59 p.m. PT. THERE ARE NO EXTENSIONS Votes are due Sunday, Aug. 31 at 11:59 p.m. PT. Four votes are required from each competitor. For each missing vote, one vote will be deducted. Post proof of voting here. Verses may not exceed 10 lines. If the length of a writer's lines is called into question, the standard will be 15 words per line, and verses of more than 150 words will be disqualified or required to be shortened. Standard writing and voting rules are in effect. No biting. No recycling. Votes must be explained. No editing verses after the first vote or the verses deadline. Any other issues will be resolved using Art of Writing League Season 3 rules as the basis. Topic Welcome to the Jungle Good luck, @pharaohsarmy52 and @Pinot Grij. __________________ I'm just swinging swords strictly based on keyboards, unbalanced like elephants and ants on seesaws.

08-29-2014, 12:40 AM	#3
Pinot Grij Senior Member Join Date: Jul 2013 Posts: 863 Battle Record: 23-19 Accomplishments - OM HOF Champed - Fight Night 2 - Write Week V - Netcees Battle League (2x) - Winter Topical II - 1-2 Punch league Rep Power: 29195064	Tony the Tiger woke up smelling like a horse's vagina After the whores, he scored some coke and pulled an all-nighter Adjusted his neckerchief and looked over his lousy apartment Which appeared even worse after he had doused it in vomit He thought, "How'd I get here? I only tried to lure kids with sweets... And then creepily appear at each one of their track meets Then I got a restraining order. Why? I'm not so sure... I'd just let the kids know how tight and firm their bodies were. Then I raped their sweet buttholes, regardless of gender Oh wait... is anyone really surprised that I'm a fucking sex offender????" __________________ Topical C.R.E.A.M.

08-29-2014, 09:13 AM	#4
Split . Join Date: Aug 2013 Posts: 8,898 Battle Record: 27-22 Rep Power: 85899398	pharaoh. okay verse, thought that for 10 lines it could've been much more polished. Liked your variety of descriptive mechanisms (foliage was a prism, describing those around the subject to accentuate your tone without being brash), but your closer invalidates almost your entire description. (EDIT: i misspoke, it doesnt)A little cool how this makes it seem like if you get swallowed up by the jungle's charm and atmosphere, you'll fall prey to the one thing you should be paying attention to. Pinot. Outrhymed and outwrote your opponent. Funny verse, it got a wry smile. Had Pinot Grij with a less auspicious but more developed and aesthetic piece of writing. Felt her accomplished more with the 10 lines, __________________ http://split8.yolasite.com Last edited by Split; 08-29-2014 at 09:34 AM.

08-29-2014, 09:30 AM	#5
sral LARSLARSLARSLARSLARS Join Date: Aug 2014 Location: CRUMPETVILLE Posts: 8,605 Battle Record: 28-3 Champed - Gimmick Battle League - The Winter Topical - Topical Martyrs - Lime Green Poetry Association - Lyric Olympics - Art of Writing League - Guerrilla Writing League (2x) - Black August II Rep Power: 85899396	Pinoj took this easy. Just an all round better verse, well worked, better conceptually. It was humorous but seemed like you hardly got out of fourth gear here, nor needed to. Vote - Pinoj __________________ - Netcees Rebuttal Tourney - Art of Writing League (x 4) - AOWL Season 11 Champion (Undefeated Season)

08-29-2014, 06:51 PM	#6
PancakeBrah SOBER Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 12,480 Battle Record: 2-5 Champed - AOWL Season 2 Rep Power: 85899407	WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE WHERE GUNS AND ROS here. we. go. PHAROAHSARMY52 welcome to the jungle a sweltering sauna nature cannot be harnessed.. africa south america southeast asia geo graphical places. sunlight can't escape from it's captured and broken, mad'am, what is going on here? You need to work on your punctuation OR write in such a way that what you're saying is clearer. From needs a comma bruh bruh. And after sauna. The middle line is a waste of space in a ten line verse. With more lenient restraints on length it could be used as a space filler/scene setter type of line but here it wastes precious space. And can sunlight not escape jungles? I'm no rocket scientist so I don't know. in a prism of foliage.. species unnumbered.. each'v them hungry.. tribes paddle on the amazon the jungle just watches. much like a crocodile does. third line presents the same problem as your geography namegame line. It doesn't carry enough, or any, weight to warrant eating up a line in this short setting. So far your verse has described the jungle then compared it to a croc. That's where we're at. the jungle just watched in vietnam, as GIs walked the foggy swamps to fight the viet cong. it doesn't decide the fate of the prey or the tiger it just provides the environment for the out-come. Weak ending. Your rhyming has been loose, to say the least, throughout this piece and was weakest here. You took the most literal interpretation to the topic possible. Welcome to the Jungle; here's what the jungle is and some things that happened in jungles. The rhymes were lackluster. Paired with the generic content, this piece leaves a lot to be desired. PEANUT GREASE: This was good, pinot grij. Tony the Tiger isn't thought of as a child molester so I was like ayyyylmao. The first line's rhyme basically beat pharaoh's entire verse from a technical perspective so you're set there. Your approach to the topic was obviously more creative and left field. I'm not going to do the whole break down thing for you because I'm lazy and everything was pretty airtight here, like Tony's poor victim's buttholes. Good job here guy bro. Cool like battle. One writer clearly outdid the other. v/Pinot Grij __________________ Netcees 2025 Revivalist Movement Founder

08-24-2014, 11:53 PM	#2
Pharaohs Army Banned Join Date: Aug 2014 Posts: 2,956 Battle Record: 6 - 14 Rep Power: 0	welcome to the jungle a sweltering sauna nature cannot be harnessed.. africa south america southeast asia geo graphical places. sunlight can't escape from it's captured and broken, in a prism of foliage.. species unnumbered.. each'v them hungry.. tribes paddle on the amazon the jungle just watches. much like a crocodile does. the jungle just watched in vietnam, as GIs walked the foggy swamps to fight the viet cong. it doesn't decide the fate of the prey or the tiger it just provides the environment for the out-come.

08-29-2014, 08:14 PM	#7
Darth Yoda Senior Member Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 408 Battle Record: 6-2 Accomplishments - Open Mic HOF Rep Power: 20182439	quite alright. the hilarity by pg was alright. pa52 wasnt bad and had a few doses of image likeness spread evenly. pg took an unfamiliar route but succeeded in doing so. it was a good match-up but i'll have to go with pg here with just a funnier, direct verse. great read

08-30-2014, 01:18 AM	#8
Certain Mad fucking dangerous. Join Date: Jul 2013 Posts: 12,066 Battle Record: 40-19 Champed - AOWL Season 3 - Art of Writing League (2x) Rep Power: 85899406	Pinot Grij leads 4-0. __________________ I'm just swinging swords strictly based on keyboards, unbalanced like elephants and ants on seesaws.

08-30-2014, 08:01 AM	#9
trap Senior Member Join Date: Mar 2014 Location: KCMO. Posts: 377 Rep Power: 14025267	Phar - Felt like an interesting short story, just missing a few key elements of rhyme format. For half of it, the rhyming part. I actually read it 3 or 4 times and really enjoyed what was written. Would've got my vote in a free form poetry contest. Pinot - Noone ever takes this route with topicals, and I'm glad you did it and actually did it well. Made me laugh a bit. Well written structure wise and any other way. If phar had any semblance of structure or a rhyme I feel like this would've been a very difficult battle to vote on. Vote, Pinot. __________________ triplet syllables for minimal criminals.