Thursday

EtH · 07-03-2013, 09:54 PM

My mission is to write my ambitions, but I rip it in pieces,
My CV almost as empty as my list of achievements,
No experience to gain experience, that’s just part of the job now,
My signature signed the school register, but my heart was a dropout,
Was an average student, just one in ninety nine of a hundred kids,
Never tried my best, I came across more Cs than Columbus did,
Never trying to make it, uninspired or lazy, where do I toe the line?
I never let green ticks and red crosses, start to control my life,
College leads to success in life, and I heard the lectures,
And despite a change in the tense, I never felt the pressure,
To find my path, I shoot in the dark; it’s just a practice shot,
I left my future behind without passing through, what a paradox,
Lady Luck blows no kisses; I’ve never felt her breath,
We line up like soldiers; our commander is a welfare check,
I coast with the beach, with no examples of either right or wrong,
Life is long when I’m signing on; this free money has the worst price of all,
I stand on the cliffs over a massive abyss, and circle the dark cave,
I’m up on a rock and this world is the hard place,
I abseil from excuses, ‘I can’t get a job’ or ‘If I kept my head down…’
But why can’t I pick myself up if I let myself down?
I wrap my palms on the rope, and make sure that I’m grabbing it well,
Cause if my grip slips from it, I know that I’ll be hanging myself.

Coup · 07-03-2013, 10:16 PM

dang...this was honest and brutal. A self evaluation that was really enjoyable imo to read...thanks for sharing.

more seas than Columbus line was dope on a rope

lots of quotables here

Quote:

I stand on the cliffs over a massive abyss, and circle the dark cave,
I’m up on a rock and this world is the hard place,

nice play on an old cliche

Quote:

I wrap my palms on the rope, and make sure that I’m grabbing it well,
Cause if my grip slips from it, I know that I’ll be hanging myself.

this last line sums up the whole mood and what you expressed well in the main body...

respect, sir

Split · 07-06-2013, 02:39 AM

Was an average student, just one in ninety nine of a hundred kids
- I liked the delivery on this line a lot

Overall the metaphors were pretty thick but fit the writing really well.

Didnt focus too hard on the technical aspects and came across as very honest and to the point.

It did get kinda stale and restricted towards the end, perhaps too much allusion and not enough direct description made it feel kinda aloof

Wil be looking out for more pieces

Illume · 07-06-2013, 06:43 PM

This was amazing. Brutal, honest, and I can relate to it.

Great metaphors, great wordplay and vocab but the thing that stood out for me was the realism of it. It seemed like you almost didn't try to be technical or to twist your sentences in any way. it just flowed nice. Great man keep droppin'.

07-03-2013, 09:54 PM	#1
EtH Erebus Join Date: Jun 2013 Posts: 435 Battle Record: 6-1 Champed - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 3537335	Thursday My mission is to write my ambitions, but I rip it in pieces, My CV almost as empty as my list of achievements, No experience to gain experience, that’s just part of the job now, My signature signed the school register, but my heart was a dropout, Was an average student, just one in ninety nine of a hundred kids, Never tried my best, I came across more Cs than Columbus did, Never trying to make it, uninspired or lazy, where do I toe the line? I never let green ticks and red crosses, start to control my life, College leads to success in life, and I heard the lectures, And despite a change in the tense, I never felt the pressure, To find my path, I shoot in the dark; it’s just a practice shot, I left my future behind without passing through, what a paradox, Lady Luck blows no kisses; I’ve never felt her breath, We line up like soldiers; our commander is a welfare check, I coast with the beach, with no examples of either right or wrong, Life is long when I’m signing on; this free money has the worst price of all, I stand on the cliffs over a massive abyss, and circle the dark cave, I’m up on a rock and this world is the hard place, I abseil from excuses, ‘I can’t get a job’ or ‘If I kept my head down…’ But why can’t I pick myself up if I let myself down? I wrap my palms on the rope, and make sure that I’m grabbing it well, Cause if my grip slips from it, I know that I’ll be hanging myself.

07-06-2013, 02:39 AM	#3
Split . Join Date: Aug 2013 Posts: 8,898 Battle Record: 27-22 Rep Power: 85899399	Was an average student, just one in ninety nine of a hundred kids - I liked the delivery on this line a lot Overall the metaphors were pretty thick but fit the writing really well. Didnt focus too hard on the technical aspects and came across as very honest and to the point. It did get kinda stale and restricted towards the end, perhaps too much allusion and not enough direct description made it feel kinda aloof Wil be looking out for more pieces __________________ http://split8.yolasite.com

07-06-2013, 06:43 PM	#4
Illume Senior Member Join Date: Jun 2013 Posts: 145 Rep Power: 671780	This was amazing. Brutal, honest, and I can relate to it. Great metaphors, great wordplay and vocab but the thing that stood out for me was the realism of it. It seemed like you almost didn't try to be technical or to twist your sentences in any way. it just flowed nice. Great man keep droppin'.