Jessica on the keypad, evapourating souls.

[Jessica]

Soul collides with the scent of darkened air, flooding earth with soaring blood tears life has never been fair. Separated from flesh with love of bones,conscience feelings are numb from the heart of stones. Leaving mystery for misery as an uneasy diplomacy, dreams shattered from graveyard breeze, no cure for dead can be found in any pharmacy. Blessing is the tales of birds that never flew, sin is the only name I ever knew. I wonder how heaven looks like cause on hell I'm always feeling brand new. I feel the fear of forgetting the fire in my eyes, losing myself to live at risk where pain of flesh lies. Shut hope to all that have forgotten, in the room of all choices, casting unspelled spells spealing strength of the weak. I have fought on mythical visions, looking for peace shadowed by prosecuting bible and its contradicting superstitions. I did my suffering at low cost, behind the black lens of my love, I have witnessed the sorrow in their hearts. I gave revelation deep on the depth of my lunatic breath. In everlasting flames I shall not call your name, waiting patiently, seeking the black abyss true, feeling darkness with roses, blinded by your own light. Already in hell striving to go to heaven and saved from these evaporating souls near ones comfort.

[Objective]

First off; Welcome to Netcees. Don't know if you're just another alias or not, but I'll feed your shit regardless.

It started off well, enjoyed the words you chose for your piece and it flowed decent enough. Then this shit comes along;

''I wonder how heaven looks like cause on hell I'm always feeling brand new.''
^On Hell? In Hell I guess. I get what you're going at but it feels more like a filler to me. If you're feeling brand new in Hell, why would you wonder what heaven is like? Do you imply that heaven is better or worse? Or that you're in some kind of emotional struggle but enjoy where you're at? Idk..

Either way, the next line with being afraid of forgetting the fire in your eyes is cool, I liked that, but ''where pain of flesh lies'' didn't make any sense to me. Unless you're hinting at self harm I don't see how this can work, if that is what you were going at I think you need to make it less ''non-sensical''.

''Shut hope to all that have forgotten'' should probably be; ''Shut hope to all that IS forgotten'' everything in the sentence after that was dope as fuck, enjoyed that.

''I have fought on mythical visions'', have you fought with, on or against? Fought ON doesn't seem right to me, idk why, the rest of the line was cool tho'.

Everything after ''lunatic breath'' was lacking in the flow and rhyme department, seeing how the rest of your verse follows a certain rhyme-pattern I think it was a draw back on how things were going. The sentences by itself was dope tho' and I read it more as a poem, but in terms of how the rest of your verse was built I didn't think it fitted that well. I felt your pieces started off great and then slowly got worse towards the end, your verse didn't suck, but it could have been better here and there.

All-in-all a decent drop that could need some polishing. Some polishing to your verse would probably make your piece dope as it seems you have a way with words that can work really well with extra attention to how the sentences are build. I don't like the structure of it, some linebreaks would do wonders in my opinion. Then again; some people do enjoy these walls of text rather than obvious structure to help their readers in their pieces, so do whatever you want with that..

Welcome & keep postin'.

[Pen Prick]

Dope feedback. Nice semicolon.

Verse was cool as well. Wanna fuck?

[Geno]

Dope drop jessica.

Only thing I dislike is format. Content seemed pretty nice and had the rhyming with it. Ill be watching you.

[Just Write]

i liked this, there were a few parts that kinda confused me because of the woord usage, for example..

Blessing is the tales of birds that never flew, sin is the only name I ever knew. I wonder how heaven looks like cause on hell I'm always feeling brand new

on hell? im going to assume you meant in, there were a couple other insignificant things as well but im not going to get too picky because we all have mistakes in our stuff.

I feel the fear of forgetting the fire in my eyes, losing myself to live at risk where pain of flesh lies. Shut hope to all that have forgotten, in the room of all choices, casting unspelled spells spealing strength of the weak. I have fought on mythical visions, looking for peace shadowed by prosecuting bible and its contradicting superstitions.

this portion had really great content but i feel it lacked some internals that are highly needed to pull off the paragraph style, no hate just saying.

as a whole i really enjoyed this piece, i know it sounded like i was being critical but thats only because im trying to give you honest feed. i will definitely check out whatever else you post. stay up and keep droppin

[Dope girl]

Girl we more sick femcees writers, This was dope as hell!

[KennyCerealBowl]

I really wish u had format.. I can't read this