Psycho-delic

[Venom]

Latest verse for a topical battle I did on LA. Topic was:

"You take lsd at a carnival and cant differentiate the trip from reality. Share your experience."

__________________________________________________ ______________

I entered the gates.. - hallucinations produce amazement
tracers crawl the floors causing duplications
retinas injected with the spectrum - plumes of radiance
as the past seems to shatter while the future's painted
I watch as the present floats off into the vagueness..
..telescopes give petty quotes to true creation
this epic gloam's an exit post for who can trade in
heavy souls against the ropes for lubrication

I stagger past a man attacking ducks that produce payments
and dancers clad in facts like "if you suck, become outrageous"
their movements seem to ripple through the rides' illuminations
waltzing to the waltzers.. - silent foolish maidens
a group engages.. - all eyes the size of frisbees
they mouthed aggressive questions, I lied until quiz ceased
I split streets with strides to try to find a fit scene
til in triumph I retired through a door lit up by big screens..

I encountered pillars embraced by a thousand figures
.. how they linger in this house of mirrors ..
shrouded pictures held in place by rounded fixtures
faces staring back through countless winters
my fingers drown my vision so I get eidetic image streams
that flow like mountain rivers.. - unfettered liquid dreams
lucid pools of red & blue behind my eyelids
but the darkness drips in despite my fighting..

I regain myself to escape this mental inception
the light of the room reduces the devil's projections
a mistake - I head to the centre of the congestion
but this is too soon for such existential self-reflection..
I see my head shrunk, then it dissipates as I move past
my legs come up to my face; I spin around the room - trapped..
next my neck pops back up through my shoulders
and mephistopheles has flexed my pupils to boulders..

.. I'm soulless .. I feel the black peel back the visuals
til a mass blank canvas & the mirrors are residual
I'm face to face with the faceless, my mind produces diction:
"I was eighteen. You killed me. I am your victim."

[Zen]

and dancers clad in facts like "if you suck, become outrageous"
their movements seem to ripple through the rides' illuminations
waltzing to the waltzers.. - silent foolish maidens
a group engages.. - all eyes the size of frisbees
^^^These lines reminded of an acid trip the most.
Overall I'd have to say I enjoyed the piece until the ending. Great story telling and you created excellent imagery. Really have nothing bad to say except that the ending was just idk bland to me I guess. But you've got great rhyme schemes and a real hold on storytelling. Props. Can't wait to see you in the league.

[Exoduzt]

Ven this was dope fam...I went to go vote on this battle on LA but it was already over...congrats on the W...

I thought you did a good job portraying an acid trip...the lines quoted above proves that the most...the descriptiveness of some of your lines was the stand out for me...the flow was pretty on point as well...nice drop

[Venom]

good looks Zen & Exo.

[Split]

bump.

[Wise Wiggles]

should have named this psycho-deli

[Venom]

Originally Posted by Whys Ways

should have named this psycho-deli

why?

[Lars]

I don’t want to knock this incase you take it to heart, but I feel like I have to in order for you to grow.

I probably did these same mistakes a million times over as I was younger, thinking more technical ability was where it was at and that rhyme schemes and multi-strings would enhance my storytelling or topical pieces.

The fact of the matter is, to someone with over ten years of this shit, without finding that balance between the two – it just doesn’t connect with the reader like it should. Too many mechanics make stories a boring read. They need space to breathe, so you can expand on things like imagery, character development, dialogue etc.

Far too much of this piece was told as “I”, why would I as a reader give a fuck about you or what happens to you? You’ve given me, as a reader, no mental image of what you look like. What you smell, hear, how you feel, what makes you tick, why you felt like that. There is nothing to connect me, as the reader, emotionally… to you, as the lead character. So it falls flat right away. Feel me? For all the unnecessary try-hard decorative schemes and intricate multi-syllable rhyming, it lacks the substance it should have. It’s hollow. The mechanics strangle any life it has IMHO.

For what it’s worth you’re a little like Oatmeal, but everyone who is anyone can carry a multi string on for lord knows how long, it’s not new, it’s not hard, it’s not even that impressive when you’ve seen it a few times. I’ve wrote entire pieces around the same thing for Gods sake… What I’m saying is, you have potential, just try not to let yourself get bogged down by focusing on the wrong things. Learning when not to use them is just as important if anything, and try not to alienate some of your readers by using over-elaborate verbiage when others would serve you just as well.

I know I might sound like a hypocrite, I’m guilty of everything I just said and probably more in my past, it’s just I’m grown enough to see what I was doing wrong and adjusted accordingly so I feel I’m more than qualified to offer this kid advice.

Don’t shoot me down for coming across like an asshole, I’m genuinely just trying to see you well on your way.

Keep that pen moving.

[Venom]

Originally Posted by Lars

Too many mechanics make stories a boring read. They need space to breathe, so you can expand on things like imagery, character development, dialogue etc.

There is nothing to connect me, as the reader, emotionally… to you, as the lead character.

I feel you. I'm not the type to take decent criticism/advice to heart. You're right about this piece, it's too mechanical. That was a choice though. The verse I was up against (by Smoothtung) was very much based on an emotional connection (feelings, smells & whatnot) so I went down the mechanical descriptive route as a way to differentiate my verse from his.

I hope to show you I'm more than just packaged mechanics.