Week 6 - Tyson (1-0) vs. symetrik (1-1) - SYMETRIK WINS 6-4

Mike Wrecka · 10-28-2013, 04:25 PM

Season 2

Rules

Verse Due Date - Thursday 23:59 PST

Voting Deadline - Sunday 23:59 PST

Line Limits - 16 - 48 Max can be higher if both agree

Voting - Must vote on 3 battles and post voting links in this thread, preferably all in one post.

If you don't vote on 3 battle you will be given a loss. If you lose by votes and don't vote on other battles you receive a one week suspension.

Topic :** You must use this quote as the last line of your verse.**

"Now I know, and knowing is half the battle"

Good Luck @TYSON @symetrik

symetrik · 10-28-2013, 07:13 PM

Same Old Story

(I may come off as a bit stand-offish.)
On most days, my run-down Chevy wouldn't start.
Fuck, on most days I couldn't say where I had parked.
I needed a new car, yet I owned art that I honestly despised.
You could say that I have dabbled in the subtleness of wearing guise.

(I'm clean now, but lord knows… I've had problems.)
Every sun rise was the worst kind of stepping stone.
I knew, at night's end, that I'd be schlepping home.
If not a barrel of wine, then the burden inside.
Just a blessing to be resting off my apathetic bones.

(She's the type of skirt that makes a man honest.)
Her tepid moans improved it.
She thought our lack of intercourse implied that I'm abusive,
I was fluent in hypocrisy, I practiced every night.
I tattled on my body-doubles when they fled a murder scene with dampened knives.

(But good things rarely ever last. Promise.)
A simple metaphor for having strangers in my bed, she bored me with her prattle.
I did not deserve forgiveness, yet she looked at me and said: "Now I know, and knowing's half the battle."

symetrik · 11-02-2013, 03:21 AM

vote links:
http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=28484
http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=28469
http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=28471

e11even · 11-02-2013, 05:23 AM

My first vote of the week.

Sym- I dig your accessible, yet slightly imaginative piece and how you tend to intertwine a separate, yet contributing message throughout. Not done as expertly as possible, but very solid work. The last two stanzas really started to steer in a darker, more interesting direction. And I love dark.

Tyson- I liked your piece once it rounded out toward the end. This wasn't the most eloquent piece(on purpose?), and the mispells and such didn't distract too much after halfway in when it started to come into itself. I feel like this had a few incomplete, warring themes at play.
[The story involved too many story angles without each fully exposing itself(i.e. man's domination-> lust -> car crash ->serpentine death choke-> heaven, alive?). OK. I think you meant you always lusted for fine things, almost died, then learned to slow your roll. Got it. moving on...]
Good verse, just needed a little fine tuning and some spell-check and usage upgrades.

Both verses were very much worth a read. I appreciate Tyson's verse now I've read it like four times, but still feel its lacking in one or two places where Sym for the most part is not. Good match up. Great topic. MVGT Symetrik

Certain · 11-02-2013, 07:59 PM

symetrik: You're quickly becoming one of my favorite writers in this league, but your brevity does you no favors for many voters. I liked the way you pealed back layers of pretense, then brought it to a boil. The language of the third stanza was particularly impressive, subtle but revealing, particularly in the final line. The lead-in guiding lines were interesting, but I'm not sure they were ideal for this verse. Perhaps it's more that they weren't as fresh as the first time you used them. But the take on the topic was perfect, and I hope everyone understands what you were going for.

TYSON: This verse either was packed tight or too airy. I'm leaning toward the former, but the suspicion of the latter still exists. Either way, your writing is too dense and stiff. The metaphors were pretty cliché, too, and I never found myself forming any connection with your verse even after three reads. It just sort of spurted along clunkily, which can be a symptom of rust. I'd like to see what you can do if you stick around, but at the moment, your writing feels forced.

Vote: symetrik

Geno · 11-02-2013, 08:16 PM

Not the best battle I've read this week, lack of motivation fellz?
No offense, but I expected more from both of you.

Symetrik
Cool verse, I like the format. Seems very audio friendly, you record?
Anyhow. I've read some stuff of yours. This seemed to lack much detail -unlike otherstuff I've read from you. I don't know. Something about it just wasn't fullfilling enough for me

Tyson
I didn't get any feel from your verse man. Seemed bland. I just have the feel that you showed just to show and didn't really care much for what you wrote? Definitely seen better from you also.

Having said that.. I think symetrik had the more appealing content here. Pulled me in a little bit moren tys did. Kind of dissapointed intyson. Hopefully you can find more attatchment for your next battle. It just seemed like you were cold to this

V-symetriik

symetrik · 11-03-2013, 01:25 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Genocide

Cool verse, I like the format. Seems very audio friendly, you record?

Yes sir.

Mr. J · 11-03-2013, 12:15 AM

This was a decent battle both verses were good for what they were
As far as I'm concerned you both came evenly matched for a lack of attacking the topic
I felt symetriks verse was really straightforward so it kept well grounded
Tyson on the other hand gave his verse a more...abstract feel to it
Which didn't catch on til it seemed to late I admit I would have liked to see more of both writers
You two remain on my radar but Ima have to give it to Sym for dropping a more convincing verse
V/Symetriks

Split · 11-03-2013, 11:12 AM

Symetrik.

Great command of tone. "schlepping home." You paint character idiosyncrasies very well, maybe something you should focus on. I think your schemes and rhyming mechanics are a weak point, nothing really read like "whoa that was cool." I guess I'm hesitant to say flow or multis or whatever because truthfully its kind of corny, but it is a facet of this type of writing that makes it distant from poetry or prose.

The dampened knives line was a miss. Seemed forced and out of place.

I think the only thing missing was a gripping story or something/ anything to immerse the reader in your writing. Other than that you have a lot of potential to do well in this league.

TYSON.
it was pretty good writing. Couldnt tell a lot about the significance that the crash had or kf it was anything more than a near death experience that brought someone to their senses. Diddnt like the hands dragging down bit, unneeded symbolism.

You should definitely edit more, didnt get a couple lines.

V/ TYSON

Vulgar · 11-03-2013, 09:12 PM

Symetrik - Good writing for sure, just not really a thoroughly executed verse. It was short-winded and didn't cover any significant amount of ground for me. Very likeable in some parts though.

Tyson - Bad wording at the end killed your chances of getting my vote. I thought you were gaining enough momentum during the middle but then it sort of simmered down until you ended it. Okay take on the topic.

Vote - Symetrik

because it was different and I liked it more.

Diode · 11-03-2013, 09:14 PM

symetrik:

slug much? i could hear him performing this as i read every line. don't know if that was your intention, but between the subject matter and the flow it was like a clone. i enjoyed it, though i think wearing "a" guise would have fit better unless there was some subtle homoerotic wordplay i didn't pick up on. there wasn't anything mindblowing to it, but the word choice was great and you described the emotions of this character accurately.

tyson:

first off - skies, elude, mills, reap, think, through

"These immortal diamond works as a prism to deflect the dark matter of my decisions"

^ liked this

"absolute silence.." <- that line was trying to be deep and instead made no sense. i know what you were going for.

this verse read like what a battle rapper would put together if he was told to type the stereotypical topical verse. a lot of pontificating and amg i'm so deep type lines. there were way too many metaphors for my liking and the topic has been done to death (no pun intended). a good start, hope you stick around.

v/ symetrik

Adonis · 11-03-2013, 10:11 PM

V/Tyson

Sym's verse left me wanting more. Either more character build up or more info on the relationship, I just think it fell a littler short literally. Decent writing, was difficult catching rhythm because of the change ups. Tyson, this is one of the better verses I've read from you even though I've only read a few. It had good to decent flow both lyrically and story wise. Good use of topic, solid verse.

zygote · 11-04-2013, 12:20 AM

Symetrik, some good use of internal dialogue, pretty good character development, it was a good choice not to write a big story and just leave it as a character study. Enjoyed it.
Tyson, did not enjoy it but initially couldn't pinpoint exactly why. After reading through the other comments, I give the same critiques that Certain gives. Voted for symetrik.

patrown · 11-04-2013, 02:55 AM

symetrik -
I was fluent in hypocrisy, I practiced every night.
I tattled on my body-doubles when they fled a murder scene with dampened knives.
whoa. where the fuck did that come from? ehhhhh.

I needed a new car, yet I owned art that I honestly despised.

okay. some kind of sense of power, coupled with hatred. leads to it? not really. but close to doing so. what? i don't get it. sorry. i just do not comprehend your angle.

tyson - so you got in an accident - kill somebody - came back from the afterlife - lots of stuff missing in between. but i got the whole story. you might have have put more in between "we rep" and "my blood flowed" cuz honestly i dont really see the connection between then. but i felt comfortable with where you arrived.

so, /v tyson. just felt the story was more complete. although both lacked development, i do understand where tyson went. so i gave him the /v, plain an simple.

TYSON · 11-02-2013, 12:24 AM

Sky's are just a cloudy view that would allude me when I cease
Rather stay grounded to asphalt and let the tar harden on my feet
Grassy plains with hills and pastures
Give a vivid feel
Indulge my lust with mill's to appeal the need for explicit thrills
The science of life reveals the answer to the wonders of our existence
These immortal diamond works as a prism to deflect the dark matter of my decisions
Crafted with perfect incision they reveal our mastery of our domain
Let lesser species rot as we trot over their remains
We rep what we sow is what they proclaim but I thank not
Till I crashed my Porsche into the porch of a bank lot
My blood flowed like the river my heart slowed its rhythm
the ground froze I shivered then hands rose and slithered
Around my throat and with a great force dragged me thru the ground
Absolute silence from my voice overwhelmed by mournful sounds
Then a profound shock covered my senses and I was yanked back
Awoke to the faces of angels blurred by faint tracks
Now I humble my attraction to flesh of this world to avoid the gavel
Cause now I know and knowing is half the battle...

10-28-2013, 04:25 PM	#1
Mike Wrecka WOW Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 3,591 Battle Record: 29-25 Champed - Writing Challenge League I Rep Power: 82779338	Week 6 - Tyson (1-0) vs. symetrik (1-1) - SYMETRIK WINS 6-4 Season 2 Rules Verse Due Date - Thursday 23:59 PST Voting Deadline - Sunday 23:59 PST Line Limits - 16 - 48 Max can be higher if both agree Voting - Must vote on 3 battles and post voting links in this thread, preferably all in one post. If you don't vote on 3 battle you will be given a loss. If you lose by votes and don't vote on other battles you receive a one week suspension. Topic : You must use this quote as the last line of your verse. "Now I know, and knowing is half the battle" Good Luck @TYSON @symetrik __________________ A.bove T.he R.est

10-28-2013, 07:13 PM	#2
symetrik Senior Member Join Date: Sep 2013 Posts: 708 Battle Record: 5-7 Rep Power: 12429299	Same Old Story (I may come off as a bit stand-offish.) On most days, my run-down Chevy wouldn't start. Fuck, on most days I couldn't say where I had parked. I needed a new car, yet I owned art that I honestly despised. You could say that I have dabbled in the subtleness of wearing guise. (I'm clean now, but lord knows… I've had problems.) Every sun rise was the worst kind of stepping stone. I knew, at night's end, that I'd be schlepping home. If not a barrel of wine, then the burden inside. Just a blessing to be resting off my apathetic bones. (She's the type of skirt that makes a man honest.) Her tepid moans improved it. She thought our lack of intercourse implied that I'm abusive, I was fluent in hypocrisy, I practiced every night. I tattled on my body-doubles when they fled a murder scene with dampened knives. (But good things rarely ever last. Promise.) A simple metaphor for having strangers in my bed, she bored me with her prattle. I did not deserve forgiveness, yet she looked at me and said: "Now I know, and knowing's half the battle." Last edited by symetrik; 10-31-2013 at 02:25 PM.

11-02-2013, 03:21 AM	#3
symetrik Senior Member Join Date: Sep 2013 Posts: 708 Battle Record: 5-7 Rep Power: 12429299	vote links: http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=28484 http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=28469 http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=28471 Last edited by symetrik; 11-02-2013 at 01:28 PM.

11-02-2013, 05:23 AM	#4
e11even V.V Join Date: Sep 2013 Location: . Posts: 2,076 Battle Record: 31-20 Rep Power: 6247259	My first vote of the week. Sym- I dig your accessible, yet slightly imaginative piece and how you tend to intertwine a separate, yet contributing message throughout. Not done as expertly as possible, but very solid work. The last two stanzas really started to steer in a darker, more interesting direction. And I love dark. Tyson- I liked your piece once it rounded out toward the end. This wasn't the most eloquent piece(on purpose?), and the mispells and such didn't distract too much after halfway in when it started to come into itself. I feel like this had a few incomplete, warring themes at play. [The story involved too many story angles without each fully exposing itself(i.e. man's domination-> lust -> car crash ->serpentine death choke-> heaven, alive?). OK. I think you meant you always lusted for fine things, almost died, then learned to slow your roll. Got it. moving on...] Good verse, just needed a little fine tuning and some spell-check and usage upgrades. Both verses were very much worth a read. I appreciate Tyson's verse now I've read it like four times, but still feel its lacking in one or two places where Sym for the most part is not. Good match up. Great topic. MVGT Symetrik __________________ Ahem.

11-02-2013, 07:59 PM	#5
Certain Mad fucking dangerous. Join Date: Jul 2013 Posts: 12,066 Battle Record: 40-19 Champed - AOWL Season 3 - Art of Writing League (2x) Rep Power: 85899406	symetrik: You're quickly becoming one of my favorite writers in this league, but your brevity does you no favors for many voters. I liked the way you pealed back layers of pretense, then brought it to a boil. The language of the third stanza was particularly impressive, subtle but revealing, particularly in the final line. The lead-in guiding lines were interesting, but I'm not sure they were ideal for this verse. Perhaps it's more that they weren't as fresh as the first time you used them. But the take on the topic was perfect, and I hope everyone understands what you were going for. TYSON: This verse either was packed tight or too airy. I'm leaning toward the former, but the suspicion of the latter still exists. Either way, your writing is too dense and stiff. The metaphors were pretty cliché, too, and I never found myself forming any connection with your verse even after three reads. It just sort of spurted along clunkily, which can be a symptom of rust. I'd like to see what you can do if you stick around, but at the moment, your writing feels forced. Vote: symetrik __________________ I'm just swinging swords strictly based on keyboards, unbalanced like elephants and ants on seesaws.

11-02-2013, 08:16 PM	#6
Geno White Earl Join Date: Jan 2013 Location: Philly Cat. Posts: 12,354 Battle Record: 10-15 Accomplishments - Open Mic HOF (4x) Champed - Netcees Writers League - Write Week I - Write Week 8 Rep Power: 50036761	Not the best battle I've read this week, lack of motivation fellz? No offense, but I expected more from both of you. Symetrik Cool verse, I like the format. Seems very audio friendly, you record? Anyhow. I've read some stuff of yours. This seemed to lack much detail -unlike otherstuff I've read from you. I don't know. Something about it just wasn't fullfilling enough for me Tyson I didn't get any feel from your verse man. Seemed bland. I just have the feel that you showed just to show and didn't really care much for what you wrote? Definitely seen better from you also. Having said that.. I think symetrik had the more appealing content here. Pulled me in a little bit moren tys did. Kind of dissapointed intyson. Hopefully you can find more attatchment for your next battle. It just seemed like you were cold to this V-symetriik __________________ *-A.bove T.he R.est*

11-03-2013, 12:15 AM	#8
Mr. J The Clown Prince Join Date: Apr 2013 Posts: 5,046 Battle Record: 35-45 Champed - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 59349682	This was a decent battle both verses were good for what they were As far as I'm concerned you both came evenly matched for a lack of attacking the topic I felt symetriks verse was really straightforward so it kept well grounded Tyson on the other hand gave his verse a more...abstract feel to it Which didn't catch on til it seemed to late I admit I would have liked to see more of both writers You two remain on my radar but Ima have to give it to Sym for dropping a more convincing verse V/Symetriks __________________ .....laugh....and the world laughs with you

11-03-2013, 11:12 AM	#9
Split . Join Date: Aug 2013 Posts: 8,898 Battle Record: 27-22 Rep Power: 85899398	Symetrik. Great command of tone. "schlepping home." You paint character idiosyncrasies very well, maybe something you should focus on. I think your schemes and rhyming mechanics are a weak point, nothing really read like "whoa that was cool." I guess I'm hesitant to say flow or multis or whatever because truthfully its kind of corny, but it is a facet of this type of writing that makes it distant from poetry or prose. The dampened knives line was a miss. Seemed forced and out of place. I think the only thing missing was a gripping story or something/ anything to immerse the reader in your writing. Other than that you have a lot of potential to do well in this league. TYSON. it was pretty good writing. Couldnt tell a lot about the significance that the crash had or kf it was anything more than a near death experience that brought someone to their senses. Diddnt like the hands dragging down bit, unneeded symbolism. You should definitely edit more, didnt get a couple lines. V/ TYSON __________________ http://split8.yolasite.com

11-03-2013, 09:12 PM	#10
Vulgar Razor-thin derision Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 4,422 Battle Record: 40-25 Accomplishments - OM HOF Champed - Fight Night LIV - Gimmick Battle League (2x) - Write Week II - Art of Writing League - Storytelling And Topical Invitational Tournament - STI - Haiku Writer Challenge - GWL Picture Challenge(2x) Rep Power: 49604320	Symetrik - Good writing for sure, just not really a thoroughly executed verse. It was short-winded and didn't cover any significant amount of ground for me. Very likeable in some parts though. Tyson - Bad wording at the end killed your chances of getting my vote. I thought you were gaining enough momentum during the middle but then it sort of simmered down until you ended it. Okay take on the topic. Vote - Symetrik because it was different and I liked it more.

11-03-2013, 09:14 PM	#11
Diode PR's Finest Join Date: Aug 2013 Posts: 14,165 Battle Record: 12-7 Rep Power: 85899410	symetrik: slug much? i could hear him performing this as i read every line. don't know if that was your intention, but between the subject matter and the flow it was like a clone. i enjoyed it, though i think wearing "a" guise would have fit better unless there was some subtle homoerotic wordplay i didn't pick up on. there wasn't anything mindblowing to it, but the word choice was great and you described the emotions of this character accurately. tyson: first off - skies, elude, mills, reap, think, through "These immortal diamond works as a prism to deflect the dark matter of my decisions" ^ liked this "absolute silence.." <- that line was trying to be deep and instead made no sense. i know what you were going for. this verse read like what a battle rapper would put together if he was told to type the stereotypical topical verse. a lot of pontificating and amg i'm so deep type lines. there were way too many metaphors for my liking and the topic has been done to death (no pun intended). a good start, hope you stick around. v/ symetrik __________________

11-03-2013, 10:11 PM	#12
Adonis Tsk Tsk Join Date: Feb 2013 Location: Beer Goggles Posts: 4,834 Battle Record: 36-34 Champed - Lime Green Poetry Association - NFL Pick'em 2016-17 Rep Power: 9946449	V/Tyson Sym's verse left me wanting more. Either more character build up or more info on the relationship, I just think it fell a littler short literally. Decent writing, was difficult catching rhythm because of the change ups. Tyson, this is one of the better verses I've read from you even though I've only read a few. It had good to decent flow both lyrically and story wise. Good use of topic, solid verse. __________________ I'm tryna fuck like A-don-is TUPAC SHAKUR

11-04-2013, 12:20 AM	#13
zygote Senior Member Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 501 Battle Record: 33-12 Accomplishments - OM HOF (2x) Champed - Art of Writing League (3x) Rep Power: 737828	Symetrik, some good use of internal dialogue, pretty good character development, it was a good choice not to write a big story and just leave it as a character study. Enjoyed it. Tyson, did not enjoy it but initially couldn't pinpoint exactly why. After reading through the other comments, I give the same critiques that Certain gives. Voted for symetrik.

11-04-2013, 02:55 AM	#14
patrown ‹^›ô¿ô‹^› Join Date: Feb 2013 Posts: 596 Battle Record: 13-19 Rep Power: 0	symetrik - I was fluent in hypocrisy, I practiced every night. I tattled on my body-doubles when they fled a murder scene with dampened knives. whoa. where the fuck did that come from? ehhhhh. I needed a new car, yet I owned art that I honestly despised. okay. some kind of sense of power, coupled with hatred. leads to it? not really. but close to doing so. what? i don't get it. sorry. i just do not comprehend your angle. tyson - so you got in an accident - kill somebody - came back from the afterlife - lots of stuff missing in between. but i got the whole story. you might have have put more in between "we rep" and "my blood flowed" cuz honestly i dont really see the connection between then. but i felt comfortable with where you arrived. so, /v tyson. just felt the story was more complete. although both lacked development, i do understand where tyson went. so i gave him the /v, plain an simple.

11-02-2013, 12:24 AM	#15
TYSON IN LOVE WITH A STRIPPER Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 3,967 Battle Record: 10-15 Rep Power: 23089122	Sky's are just a cloudy view that would allude me when I cease Rather stay grounded to asphalt and let the tar harden on my feet Grassy plains with hills and pastures Give a vivid feel Indulge my lust with mill's to appeal the need for explicit thrills The science of life reveals the answer to the wonders of our existence These immortal diamond works as a prism to deflect the dark matter of my decisions Crafted with perfect incision they reveal our mastery of our domain Let lesser species rot as we trot over their remains We rep what we sow is what they proclaim but I thank not Till I crashed my Porsche into the porch of a bank lot My blood flowed like the river my heart slowed its rhythm the ground froze I shivered then hands rose and slithered Around my throat and with a great force dragged me thru the ground Absolute silence from my voice overwhelmed by mournful sounds Then a profound shock covered my senses and I was yanked back Awoke to the faces of angels blurred by faint tracks Now I humble my attraction to flesh of this world to avoid the gavel Cause now I know and knowing is half the battle...