ATT Round One: Headless Verseman vs Etherwave - OPEN FOR VOTES!

[sral]

Welcome, boils and ghouls, to the AOWL TAKEOVER TOURNAMENT 2024!

We have eight competitors with their eye on the semi-finals round. Only four will progress. Do you have what it takes to survive?

Due Dates:

Verses this week are due Thursday and will be open until Sunday.
Battles that lack votes may close later.
One sided battles may get closed early.
Extensions are 24 hours

Line Limit: 16 Minimum, 32 Maximum

Topic:





@Headless Verseman @Master Rock

[Headless Verseman]

checking in- I'll probably do the maximum and i won't drop until Thursday so no rush

[Etherwave]

On GO!

[Etherwave]

I'll have mine by tonight or in the a.m. Definitely before Thursday is over.

[Etherwave]

Behind her the world was only a suggestion.
The imagination can run wild when you give it attention.
Inventions of monsters and heaven can create lessons, anxieties and tension.
But also peace.
Finding new mysteries in every crack and crevice.
She created a whole new dimension. Tended to the garden on top of her skeleton.
Every thought a rebellion against reality. Too small to have dealt with the dull ache of raw hate, and laws couldn't save her at all.
She lay 'wake through long nights holding tight to her blanket listening to the screaming down hall afraid one breath too Loud would call the demons to gnaw at her thawing flesh.
This isn't all in her head.

And that's all she had.

Her skull.
And it was a fountain.
She realized it worked best with her heart pounding.
She learned the voices there can be the loudest, she didn't have to listen to God.

Oh she was drowning in her own thoughts.

Hard to say who was at fault.

So she locked her away in a place no one could find her.

Where the warmth is much kinder.

An orchard where the birds are her friends and she is loved by the wind.

Something took her place, some kind of dying twin.

But I'm fine within.

My minds a shrine, where I hide from Him.

Where she hides from them.

But she can still be found in her garden amongst the apples that shine and glisten.

There's nothing rotten here.

Her skull is fine but times a prison.

I know peace and love will be my final vision.

[Headless Verseman]

he wins 2-1

[sral]

OPEN FOR VOTES!

[Candy]

ether:
dope, it was a bit simpler in the all round piece but some of the lines were fire compared to what i read from you.. emotion was strong throughout the whole piece.. basically what carries it is this girls internal struggle leaking out into her garden.. very dope.. the darkness was raw but was most of what was simple for the verse, not in the way you only just touched on it and not in the way the good over powered evil like the verse is just sort of like you didnt want to face it.. so it comes off as sloppy writing.. anywhoot tight drop..

headless:
holly ish dope i have personal connect because my father died that way.. but the entwined stories and flip on the topic was dope.. the rhyme structure in some lines was hot as fuck the story progression a killer man probably the hotest thing about it ther then the use of topic.. the emotion had more depth then eth.. and character was more developed..

vote = headless versemen

he excelled in alot of categories eth did not.. which still made for a challenging battle but a one sideone imo.. g/l you guys

[Scar]

etherwave - really dope. this verse seems to be about perspective and coping. the author is normally in a state of uncertainty but was able to frame her day to day mental activity into art as to say, to cushion the fall. There seems to be an antithesis looming about in reference to "him". it wasn't explored enough to me but i think i understand the gist and allusion of it. bravo.

Headless - this had a more traditional narrative structure to it. Earlier on i was very distracted by all the "me". But the story move along nicely. What i got from this is of a girl who was constantly abused verbally by dad, and was completely apathetic after he died. remind me of the tupac line, "father died, but my heart woudnt let me feel for a stranger" or something like that.

These verses are so insynced that they were almost like companion pieces. But i enjoyed one more than the other so my vote goes to

Etherwave. I felt she was a bit more nuanced in her writing. which i always enjoy.

[symetrik]

MVGT Etherwave

headless -
best lines:
... how can I figure out the sentences
and ponder everything around me and our interconnectedness
The birds and the bees, the worms and the trees
The dirt and the leaves ...

unfortunately, the rest of the piece didn't hold water to this section - it overall felt like "these bad things happened, I'm totally pondering the meaning of it, omg maybe I've been dead the whole time? or just metaphorically?" without actually giving any meat to it... or a reason to invest or care. if there's anything I've learned, it's to go slow and work exposition for smooth reads (especially in topical formats). I still struggle with jumping around tho, so I get it.

Ether -
best lines:
-shrug- nothing hit it for me, sorry.

I think this lacked a lot in the rap/flow/lyrical stylings we have expected to see here... but I worry too that leaning too heavily into "IT'S NOT RAP IT DOESN'T COUNT" detracts from what we're trying to achieve,

and with that in mind, MVGT Etherwave

the overall structure and story was more clear and in a single space - my interpretation, at least (a girl, abused, creates a safe internal space for the parts of herself that are innocent, deserving to be loved, and she keeps them in that space until it kills them - so that the innocent self can die in peace.)

whereas headless covered a lot of ground, but too quickly and without giving me time to connect to key items - why do I care about this character? I think her dad hated her cuz her mom died in child birth, but the dad killed himself and part of her died with him?

I definitely got the gist but... I wanted more.

[Headless Verseman]

cool- Ether wins.

[Dominate]

Idk why Headless deleted his verse. I can give feedback if he edits it back in.

Cool drop Etherwave. The image was obviously kind of dark but I liked how you gave it a hopeful, positive spin. “Tended to the garden on top of her skeleton” was great. The rhymes were a bit simplistic to start but they picked up quite a lot by the end.

[sral]

Headless Verseman’s drop:

Busy in thought thinking of the misery brought
My mother died birthing me, the apple fell, it physically dropped
Hurting me, the entire world seems absurd to me
Transfixed on death that's been hanging around since they were nursing me
My father was always cursing me, to him I was a lost cause
A mistake, definitely not a happy little accident ala Bob Ross
Now I sit here happily, content and speak thanks
That my father finally did one good thing in his life and hung himself from this tree branch
A balance of sanguine/rot, I'm paying the price
The pain for talent sought, content aknowleding the transient nature of life
Reading Allan Watts, how can I figure out the sentences
and ponder everything around me and our interconnectedness
The birds and the bees, the worms and the trees
The dirt and the leaves, the clouds swirling with glee
Are all connected to a girl and its me!
But then darkness fell over me chillingly
With all my heart it seems, I've fallen victim from the start
If we are all connected my father tried killing me! but which part...

[Headless Verseman]

close this battle- i conceded.

[Headless Verseman]

check pm and delete my verse

[sral]

The thread will remain open for feedback.

[sral]

I understand Headless hasn’t been around for some time, so to give him an idea here what I generally like to do is give my thoughts on the topic at hand prior to getting into a vote - so that it perhaps gives more insight into why, and how, I come to my inevitable conclusion. I selected this topic with both you and your original opponent (Master Rock) in mind. The topic itself, to me, suited you both in terms of it being able to be interpreted in different ways. The image presents you both with a character, open to world building and imagery, but it also has a sinister side to it with the outline of the skull that presents a darker and macabre side to proceedings - perhaps an unforeseen twist ahead. I definitely think that is the way I may have played this, there’s something very Grimm’s Fairy Tales-esque about the topic that I like. There’s a bleak contrast between the perceived innocence of the child and her surroundings, the almost desolate woodland she inhibits, the apples not falling far from the tree(s) that could have been utilised and worked into the story. There is some sort of blackbird on the branches, a crow or raven perhaps, that could be interpreted into the storyline as death awaiting somehow. I think an idea may perhaps have been to have taken a female character from a popular childhood fable, like a Little Red Riding Hood or Beau Peep, and put a sinister twist on the tale itself. This could have been some sort of daughter of a serial killer reaching a point in time where she also starts feeling the urge to kill. The elements of death give plenty of legroom to work with, but anyway, let’s see what you guys managed to do with this…


Etherwave: I thought your opening line(s) were worked well enough to draw me in as a reader, they definitely did their job in that sense. The setting was laid out well, even if the formatting wasn’t what were traditionally accustomed to reading in topical pieces. What I enjoyed were the more subtle references to what’s seen in the image here being utilised, “Finding new mysteries in every crack and crevice,” was one I enjoyed early on referring to the different wants this can be interpreted (or that’s what I read from it, at least). The later mention of the orchard where birds were her friends and so forth was alluded to well, perhaps not completely direct as I may have gone myself, but still present and relevant. “There’s nothing rotten here.” as a stand alone line, almost a slight break in the thought process it reads and I did enjoy how that was formatted. It’s different, for sure, but different doesn’t always equate to wrong. I felt the resolution could have been stronger to really anchor the verse, what you did have was substantial but I did feel it could have been given more weight by way of a lesson learned or moralistic take. If I can be slightly more honest, I did feel this felt more of a character sketch than an in-depth character study - elements like the “Him,” for example were mentioned briefly but not really built upon beyond that. As a reader I wanted something more to really help lift them off the page and bring the characters to life, or even become more invested emotionally in what happens to them and how things play out - That said, I fully understand that the constraints of the line limit, perhaps coupled with the fact you stood in on short notice, helped compound matters in that regard so I am allowing for some leeway. Just something to consider going forward in the tournament.

Headless: I understand you’ve conceded and don’t wish to proceed regardless of the battles eventual outcome, but since you took the time to leave a submission let’s at least offer you some feedback on what was dropped. The result of these things is never as important as the feedback received regardless, that’s what we’re all here for. The first major difference between your own writing and your opponents here is perhaps the degree of technical skill in the rhyme scheme deployed and use of multi-syllable rhyming. Now, while that is duly noted, the other thing stylistically that separates you both is the approach and execution employed. While Ether opted for a more emotionally driven take, incorporating the imagery into her piece, you instead took a more conventional approach to your storytelling, with a slight twist at the end. I personally think you may have wrote this quickly, pretty much last minute, and while you do several things well enough from a technical standpoint - the verse suffers. This is partly because of its brevity, not giving you time to fully immerse yourself or the reader in its narrative, but also in part due to the wording at times which hurts you somewhat. There are smaller things such as “speak thanks,” which comes off clunky - made all the more noticeable as it’s an end rhyme too - but also the sanguine/rot reads awkwardly (to me). There’s a real sort of lack of progression towards the body of the verse, where the lines aren’t particularly driving the storyline forwards or keeping the readers attention, and then before we know it - the slight twist at the end is brought in, but having also lacked the character development or an emotive factor fully, the reader isn’t as invested in what happens to the central character and thus it just kind of… ends. It needed more. Not in terms of line, per se, but in terms of character development, imagery, emotion and resolution. There was no real conflict to drive the story, for me, and conflict drives great stories. Ether definitely had more of that, even if she didn’t have so much of the technical proficiency you brought in her own verse. I still think she had enough here to take this battle, regardless of people (not) understanding multi syllable rhymes - that may be one deciding factor, but it’s not the be all and end all. Her writers voice was the stronger of the two, conceptually she had more to offer and the way she interweaved the various elements from the image into her own work were done well - or at least, done better in those categories than we find in your own here. For a combination of those reasons, I would also have given Etherwave the win this round.

[Headless Verseman]

lol

[Etherwave]

Also, I'm not a he headless. Are you?

[Dope girl]

This is tough choice both verse so sick

Ether verse had nice ending Rhyming Scheme
Headless had great story telling it so deep

vote-Ether