WEEK TWO: OBJECTIVE 0-1 vs EVICTION 0-1 OBJECTIVE WINS

[Adverse]

AOWL Season IX

@Objective @Eviction

Verse Due: Saturday November 21st @ 11:59PM EST



Line min: 10

Max: 50


Check ins: 48 hours after thread post


Rules:http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=145451[/b]

Topic:

[Objective]

In! Loving the topics given so far

Edit: @Eviction, I went with 50

[Eviction]

check

[Eviction]

@Objective is 30 lines cool?

[Objective]

Man vs Machine



A client asks for a human equivalent of
"One of those fighter murder robot-things
that's new and intelligent.
Don't matter how it's built,
just make sure it swings..!"

Thus,
sparks ignite Stark abstract minds this night,
where no soul share an artists' light.
Dr. Not So Bright, eagerly yells to his team:
"Start the hype!
Our future goal is marked for might,
and HELL IS OUR DREAM!
Of petty pretty tin commands with aura of dark insight,
that'll win your hand
along with stars and stripes!"

To create
an android fighter with a riot twist, jet-set grips,
and yoga-master movements where tech meet splits,
you mandate
a crew of scientists to put their eye on this
for viscious reasons where violence fits in bits and pieces.
Yes, questions arise:
Should it look like clouds with eyes,
or Susan Sarandon?

Not getting lost in the sentence:
"Make it soldier-like with muscle and tendons...
Fused to kill, won't lose to will, hands used just to end men.
I'm content when he's construed with few screws loose,
only the vile must recommend him!"

If he could comprehend the type of measures spent
instead of asking help from a treasured friend,
and looking at where the doctors ideas of blunder went
perhaps it wouldn't have crashed a rather fun event.
Alas, the clients secret for the project got clear,
cus it's Jan 1st, and the concepts' on AIR:
prime time for The Wrestling Match of the Year!

It took ten seconds of splurging gore,
and repetitive robotic roars of "I AM THOR!"
for each traumatized person to storm the door
while the exit itself got covered in anime-esque
blood and war.
Edgy teens behind TV-screens staring in awe:
"That's so hardcore!"

The client got tens of deaths to his name...
It's said he's insane & escaped to go live in a cave,
each exhale is in literal mountains of shame.
He eat, shit and sleeps to carve the walls
with his balls, and this phrase:

"Damn it, Jackson... It sure pays to be brave!"

~~~

[Eviction]

Connections are something that’s hard to achieve.
True colors revealed, hues you wouldn’t believe.
No one is genuine, they have something up their sleeve.
If you win, they get jealous and show us their greed.
I’ll never shake someone’s hand, learned as I got older,
That most of them have the devil’s advocate on their shoulder.
And trust is a connection you can’t solder.
They’ll use that same hand to pull out a heart that grew colder,
with ease, they can dig into your skin.
What good is evil if it’s not getting you a win.
Even when the devil is gone they’re still living through a sin.
These arms are sharp as katana blades, so I’m committed to the end.
In this reality, there’s no such thing as a helping hand.
To me turning on someone seems like a selfish plan.
That’s why I would never extend my arms to a jealous man.
Hypnotize me with evil, I’m not falling for the devil’s scam.
Even when the music lowers an octave, we should band together.
Find someone you love and hold their hand forever.
Fighting can lead to a storm, hatred is a drastic measure.
Bad weather should be a lesson, but it fails to register.
A petty argument can turn a relationship bitter.
Different political views, even your grandma is ready to pull the trigger.
Instead of pointing your finger at the bigger picture,
Focus on the end goal, and come out of the other side as a victor.
One hand gripping the steering wheel, the other one just emptied a bottle.
An accident waiting to happen, he just reached full throttle.
Crashed into a Buick, the death’s at his hands was a hard pill to swallow.
He’s haunted by demon’s he has to learn to fix,
Before he lands in the dark abyss, he knows hell, he falls in the burning pit.
There has to be an alternative to a tourniquet, he earned it…
Maybe it was a nervous tic, he felt like everything he touches turns to shit.
So I guess you’re going to be paranoid until they shut your casket.
When a strong bond breaks it’s fucking tragic,
They’ll stab you in the back and won’t even try to mask it.
Or shake your hand, because that’s as good as being dumped in acid.
You’ll never believe this is the same hand responsible for making art.
Because it’s also the same hand responsible for breaking hearts.
This hand is always searching for a canvas it can take apart.
Destroying someone’s life work, because theirs was defaced from the start.
The hand behind the criticism is the same one behind the gun smoke.
Then you get in the front row to see the reaction when I’m provoked.
You’re witness to the hellfire I unload, a reflection you see in the bloodstone.
The only way I know how to retaliate is with a brushstroke.

[Mr. J]

This is a goofy topic and not really something I'd find myself writing to.....

Objective you have improved a lot since I've last read your work. Before the league I mean. Your transitioning has been much smoother and the concept although goofy works to your advantage here. You bring out the nuances that make the idea meld together nicely. Up until the screws loose area. The whole I am Thor exclamation just seemed like an odd idea to present itself and made me chuckle a bit. Towards the end it felt like your motivation was dwindling but your performance was well put.

Eviction I don't recall reading anything from you before so you must be another newcomer. Which is cool. You take the topic and blend it into a twisted picture that works with the scheme you were bringing but I feel like you could have cut half of this verse out and had a much better showing. At the start you worked an idea I thought you would have kept throughout but then as it progressed you contradicted your points. In most situations that would work preferably at the end of the verse but you kept your movement fluent and dropped some nice couplets throughout. Nice work.

This was my least favorite topic so far.

But y'all did what you had to and made it work to your advantage. Objective has been stepping it up and the newcomer is pushing to be a challenger in the weeks to come. I felt like both could use some improvements and could have compensated from shortening up their verses a bit. But when you can write beyond what your opponent does it's anyone's game at this point. At the end of the day though.....It felt like Objective swept this one up due to his ability to carry the topic thoroughly. His opponent did great but suffered to the bulk of the verbiage construing what he brought forth originally. Pretty even match for the most part and was worth reading....

Still didn't like the topic though.

V/Objective

[Lucipher Howlz]

First things first I hate the fucking picture. Leave some things to the imagination..

Objective: I wont hold it against ya but I cant understand how to get a real story across with the short bar rhyming. Not saying that you didn't just saying that I can't. So I respect when I see someone do it. And you did just that...Your first stanza was ok but it didnt grab my attention. Your second stanza did tho. I absolutely loved your rhyme scheme on it.

"Not getting lost in the sentence:
"Make it soldier-like with muscle and tendons...
Fused to kill, won't lose to will, hands used just to end men.
I'm content when he's construed with few screws loose,
only the vile must recommend him!""--- Brilliant with the wording and your entire rhyme scheme. Big fan of this segment rite here. your whole drop is this fucking good. Damn. Well to be honest I loved the way you took the picture and how you interpreted it. Altho I hated the picture you pretty much nailed it. Great scheme and wording thru out the whole drop. Some parts got a bit choppy when it came to the flow of things. Sorta like you tried to force a lot of shit in to the short bar scheme maybe. but overall this was dope and a really enjoyable read.

Eviction: I felt you started out slow for the reader. Nothing stand out to grab our attention. But then as I kept on reading there were some lines that hit and I thought were smooth but then seemed to fall off again flow wise. I feel your rhyme scheme is lacking some multis. You held the story up tho. you were very persistent in that aspect.

" The hand behind the criticism is the same one behind the gun smoke.
Then you get in the front row to see the reaction when I’m provoked.
You’re witness to the hellfire I unload, a reflection you see in the bloodstone.
The only way I know how to retaliate is with a brushstroke."---really like this part and how it connected.

MVGT- Objective..His verse was just more sophisticated so to speak. The rhyme scheme was better and he just connected better to the horrible picture that was given lol. nice showing by both writers. cheers to ya both

[Pharaohs Army]

Objective
Liked the format this week. Short stanzas packed with rhymes. Good stuff. I was eager to see what came next as I read. I didn't exactly "get" the ending but I still liked the piece as a whole.

Eviction
Fairly long verse with quality rhymes and cadence. But what is it saying? It seems to be saying a hundred things, but doesn't give me a clear trope or something to hang onto.
Based on your writing skills you can do some real damage in this league if you focus your message. I just didn't "connect" with the piece like I did to Objective's.

V/ Obj

[Candy]

objective:
hell is our dreams dope man i dont know if this verse can get any better.. cool man nothing really happens in this piece but it does have alot of pretty imagery where the reader can really get into it and feel the depth of your man vs machine.. cool vocab.. in the end it really was a tight story with good interesting parts to it.. thanks

eviction:
very pretty some very poetic words really dug it the story itself very emotional you could get into the character or lack there of.. vocab hot and just all round rhythm was just smooth cool story bro xoxo..

vote = eviction

this was a close one and hard to call but i think the prettier piece was the better one this week vocab was pretty even but in general the smoothness and the taste of evictions was dope..

[Universe]

Yeah, first of all... this topic is garbage lol. I'd be pissed to get this with all the other amazing pictures this week. Anyway...

Objective:

Cool story albeit slightly predictable. The whole human vs. robot in a televised wrestling match is literally the first thing that comes to mind when I see your topic - maybe we've just seen the same movies or something lol. Not really your fault, you work with what you're given.

Technically it was good but not quite at the level of your previous week's verse. I did enjoy the imagery behind it all though; very easy to get absorbed into this world you created. Some lines were kind of dumb though near the end... maybe childish is the better word. I'm being picky but I'm holding you to a higher standard because of last week.

I thought you had a really strong connection to the topic though. Overall, a solid showing.


Eviction:

This read well. Flow was good and technically everything seemed on point. I felt it lacked in the story department though. I get what you were going for here in your take on the topic, and I appreciate the non-straight forward approach, but would've liked to have seen some more plot/character elements dropped in there like you did last week.

Technically you have Objective beat but he pummeled you story-wise.

Close battle in my eyes. I'll side with the better story here...

Vote - Objective