complexity multiplied

YDK · 08-29-2013, 03:05 AM

Im self medicated, my very own therapist
Psychological problems but my help hesitated.
nobody to share shit with so I dedicated my health.
You should see how it felt, feel how a man sins
When I abandoned me...dammit you can't see.
Apathetic schizophrenic/multiple personalities
yet none of us gave a fuck when I was facing reality.
Took everything outta me like unloading a truck,
I was sobering up or atleast I was about ta be.
Snort some coke then report to the p.a.
Ignorin the charges for D.K. while I'm retortin with jokes.
Life's just a game, well it was for one of us
The rest of me suffered with my knife in the cain.
Shit my wife went insane when i lost control
Dug my own grave somehow I crossed that hole.
31 personalities complexity multiplied,
1 was having fun while the rest of me almost died.
I lost alot of friends I repeat, PLENTY died,
I was having heart an liver failure but I'm only 25!
Picked up a couple percs while I was coping with coke,
Numb, poking my throat, dying, chokin hope.
Each day I'm gettin by it, slowly recovering
Still suffering with anti-psychotics just eating away.
My brains got more holes than 3 pounds of Swiss cheese,
So when all 31 of me die nobody will be left to miss me.
So diss me, hate me, call me a dope fiend
But just remember what I've wrote, its your last chance...to KNOW me.

YDK · 08-29-2013, 03:18 AM

http://www.netcees.co/showthread.php?t=14040
http://www.netcees.co/showthread.php?t=12270

YDK · 08-29-2013, 11:01 PM

I realise I been slacking on my pen game so I wrote this ta show I ain't new ta this...bump?

Certain · 08-30-2013, 02:54 AM

Quote:

Life's just a game, well it was for one of us
The rest of me suffered with my knife in the cain.
Shit my wife went insane when i lost control
Dug my own grave somehow I crossed that hole.
31 personalities complexity multiplied,
1 was having fun while the rest of me almost died.
I lost alot of friends I repeat, PLENTY died,
I was having heart an liver failure but I'm only 25!
Picked up a couple percs while I was coping with coke,
Numb, poking my throat, dying, chokin hope.
Each day I'm gettin by it, slowly recovering
Still suffering with anti-psychotics just eating away.
My brains got more holes than 3 pounds of Swiss cheese,
So when all 31 of me die nobody will be left to miss me.

What I quoted above would have been a pretty strong drop. The first half of the verse was just too overt and goofy. It felt fradulent. If you're going with something like a multiple-personalities disorder as your subject, go all in, though. Create an actual backdrop for your character. Give each of his personalities some distinction. Use specific examples of how his life has been affected. Be more direct with both the emotional appeal and the humor.

This felt like netcee psycopathy 101. The rhymes and flow were OK, and there were a few good lines. But the exposition was too long, and the interesting parts were buried and not really expanded on properly. Tell us more about the heart and liver failure. Give us a few more punchlines. Do something to make the verse more memorable.

There's nothing inherently wrong with the verse, but it needs more development. And the first thing I would do is to cut the final couplet, which really put a sour taste in my mouth, especially after you had such a perfect closing line.

YDK · 08-30-2013, 03:07 AM

Thanks for the feed man, I woulda developed the interesting parts more but they're only interesting cuz I left the boring parts out lol just figured I'd give a bit of my own personal story while focusing on more complex schemes an reverse multies etc. I'll try an work on my character development more tho so thanks for the pointers

Mike Wrecka · 08-30-2013, 10:29 AM

YDK i like your stuff usually. this just didnt work for me tbh. the end rhymes were kinda weak. some didnt really rhyme perfectly and some didnt rhyme at all. it seemed very personal though which is why you might have just said fuck the structure and flow i just wanna get this out.

i usually dont give negative feedback in the OM but i read this and its so far below your usual stuff i thought id hit you with some truth. i look forward to the next one.

CopyPat · 08-30-2013, 11:30 AM

this was interesting. cool concept. seemed pretty legit but i don't know if this is real or just a story?? either way it was pretty well written. have that duel scheme shit delayed rhyming style like method man. pretty hard to do. not seen many texters try it. was different to see, but i really liked it as far as the rhyming was concerned. again the content was something different too so yeah good post man keep em coming

YDK · 08-30-2013, 05:38 PM

Thanks guys, pat I'm glad you caught the delayed rhymes, actually switched from single double an triple schemes honestly lol but yeah shits real an bout me to clear that up

Zombie · 08-31-2013, 03:33 AM

I'd like if you go more in depth with wording rather than with the words themselves. instead of saying psychological. say something that psychological defines. sort of. whatever. good stuff!

Scripter · 08-31-2013, 05:51 PM

This was definitely different I honestly have not looked much into rhyming schemes until now. I believe you had a interesting subject and you did make it believable.

Quote:

Snort some coke then report to the p.a.
Ignorin the charges for D.K. while I'm retortin with jokes.
Life's just a game, well it was for one of us
The rest of me suffered with my knife in the cain.

He is a example of the pause that you used in your poem. I also found this interesting.

Here is something you may find usable since you are into different rhyming schemes.
http://nicholastozier.com/words/have...rhyme-schemes/

Overall I thought it was a good read. Keep writing!

YDK · 08-31-2013, 06:46 PM

thanks man and good lookin on that link too, i've done a bit of all em them but kinda have more fun using them all in one pieces compared to one style at a time in the drops. appreciate it bro

YDK · 09-01-2013, 08:44 PM

last bump for anybody that's said i need my shit to be more complex

@oats you may appreciate the scheme since you do the spoken word poetry

God Of War · 09-02-2013, 06:52 PM

this was nice, the content was cool, scheme reminded me of sound a bit but it was still dope content, flow was on point when i read it how it was posed to be read or how it read well for me. still dont think this style will pick on very well but its def better then the paragraph shit

voer all this was nice man

Geno · 09-02-2013, 07:05 PM

I enjoyed this. Had an unorthodox scheme that I really dug.. some spots were off though. Had a lot of cool shit going on that I'm sure most of us can relate to. Really dug these lines

31 personalities complexity multiplied,
1 was having fun while the rest of me almost died.

The second one in particular. It struck a nerve. Ill

08-29-2013, 03:05 AM	#1
YDK ghost in the matrix Join Date: Apr 2013 Location: Covington, KY Posts: 4,563 Battle Record: 14-25 Champed - Art of Writing League (x2) - Lime Green Poetry Association Rep Power: 8181113	complexity multiplied Im self medicated, my very own therapist Psychological problems but my help hesitated. nobody to share shit with so I dedicated my health. You should see how it felt, feel how a man sins When I abandoned me...dammit you can't see. Apathetic schizophrenic/multiple personalities yet none of us gave a fuck when I was facing reality. Took everything outta me like unloading a truck, I was sobering up or atleast I was about ta be. Snort some coke then report to the p.a. Ignorin the charges for D.K. while I'm retortin with jokes. Life's just a game, well it was for one of us The rest of me suffered with my knife in the cain. Shit my wife went insane when i lost control Dug my own grave somehow I crossed that hole. 31 personalities complexity multiplied, 1 was having fun while the rest of me almost died. I lost alot of friends I repeat, PLENTY died, I was having heart an liver failure but I'm only 25! Picked up a couple percs while I was coping with coke, Numb, poking my throat, dying, chokin hope. Each day I'm gettin by it, slowly recovering Still suffering with anti-psychotics just eating away. My brains got more holes than 3 pounds of Swiss cheese, So when all 31 of me die nobody will be left to miss me. So diss me, hate me, call me a dope fiend But just remember what I've wrote, its your last chance...to KNOW me. __________________

08-29-2013, 03:18 AM	#2
YDK ghost in the matrix Join Date: Apr 2013 Location: Covington, KY Posts: 4,563 Battle Record: 14-25 Champed - Art of Writing League (x2) - Lime Green Poetry Association Rep Power: 8181113	http://www.netcees.co/showthread.php?t=14040 http://www.netcees.co/showthread.php?t=12270 __________________

08-29-2013, 11:01 PM	#3
YDK ghost in the matrix Join Date: Apr 2013 Location: Covington, KY Posts: 4,563 Battle Record: 14-25 Champed - Art of Writing League (x2) - Lime Green Poetry Association Rep Power: 8181113	I realise I been slacking on my pen game so I wrote this ta show I ain't new ta this...bump? __________________

08-30-2013, 03:07 AM	#5
YDK ghost in the matrix Join Date: Apr 2013 Location: Covington, KY Posts: 4,563 Battle Record: 14-25 Champed - Art of Writing League (x2) - Lime Green Poetry Association Rep Power: 8181113	Thanks for the feed man, I woulda developed the interesting parts more but they're only interesting cuz I left the boring parts out lol just figured I'd give a bit of my own personal story while focusing on more complex schemes an reverse multies etc. I'll try an work on my character development more tho so thanks for the pointers __________________

08-30-2013, 10:29 AM	#6
Mike Wrecka WOW Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 3,591 Battle Record: 29-25 Champed - Writing Challenge League I Rep Power: 82779338	YDK i like your stuff usually. this just didnt work for me tbh. the end rhymes were kinda weak. some didnt really rhyme perfectly and some didnt rhyme at all. it seemed very personal though which is why you might have just said fuck the structure and flow i just wanna get this out. i usually dont give negative feedback in the OM but i read this and its so far below your usual stuff i thought id hit you with some truth. i look forward to the next one. __________________ A.bove T.he R.est

08-30-2013, 11:30 AM	#7
CopyPat Mic Check Join Date: Mar 2013 Location: Calgary Alberta Canada Posts: 708 Battle Record: 13-10 Rep Power: 3742225	this was interesting. cool concept. seemed pretty legit but i don't know if this is real or just a story?? either way it was pretty well written. have that duel scheme shit delayed rhyming style like method man. pretty hard to do. not seen many texters try it. was different to see, but i really liked it as far as the rhyming was concerned. again the content was something different too so yeah good post man keep em coming __________________ My syllable count approximately a billion, bounce. You cannot compete.

08-30-2013, 05:38 PM	#8
YDK ghost in the matrix Join Date: Apr 2013 Location: Covington, KY Posts: 4,563 Battle Record: 14-25 Champed - Art of Writing League (x2) - Lime Green Poetry Association Rep Power: 8181113	Thanks guys, pat I'm glad you caught the delayed rhymes, actually switched from single double an triple schemes honestly lol but yeah shits real an bout me to clear that up __________________

08-31-2013, 03:33 AM	#9
Zombie Senior Member Join Date: Apr 2013 Posts: 125 Battle Record: 5-0 Champed - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 2645340	I'd like if you go more in depth with wording rather than with the words themselves. instead of saying psychological. say something that psychological defines. sort of. whatever. good stuff!

08-31-2013, 06:46 PM	#11
YDK ghost in the matrix Join Date: Apr 2013 Location: Covington, KY Posts: 4,563 Battle Record: 14-25 Champed - Art of Writing League (x2) - Lime Green Poetry Association Rep Power: 8181113	thanks man and good lookin on that link too, i've done a bit of all em them but kinda have more fun using them all in one pieces compared to one style at a time in the drops. appreciate it bro __________________

09-01-2013, 08:44 PM	#12
YDK ghost in the matrix Join Date: Apr 2013 Location: Covington, KY Posts: 4,563 Battle Record: 14-25 Champed - Art of Writing League (x2) - Lime Green Poetry Association Rep Power: 8181113	last bump for anybody that's said i need my shit to be more complex @oats you may appreciate the scheme since you do the spoken word poetry __________________ Last edited by YDK; 09-02-2013 at 04:37 PM.

09-02-2013, 06:52 PM	#13
God Of War The Landlord Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 5,822 Battle Record: 12-10 Rep Power: 10493983	this was nice, the content was cool, scheme reminded me of sound a bit but it was still dope content, flow was on point when i read it how it was posed to be read or how it read well for me. still dont think this style will pick on very well but its def better then the paragraph shit voer all this was nice man

09-02-2013, 07:05 PM	#14
Geno White Earl Join Date: Jan 2013 Location: Philly Cat. Posts: 12,354 Battle Record: 10-15 Accomplishments - Open Mic HOF (4x) Champed - Netcees Writers League - Write Week I - Write Week 8 Rep Power: 50036761	I enjoyed this. Had an unorthodox scheme that I really dug.. some spots were off though. Had a lot of cool shit going on that I'm sure most of us can relate to. Really dug these lines 31 personalities complexity multiplied, 1 was having fun while the rest of me almost died. The second one in particular. It struck a nerve. Ill __________________ *-A.bove T.he R.est*