AOWL Forfeit - Looking for a bit of feed

[symetrik]

Actually put some effort into this, since my opponent was someone I knew could be a threat.


I've never been sure how to handle my problems, I guess I'll be askin'em here…
what kind of man would be driving at all after seven, eight or nine beers?
who doesn't brake when he looks through the glass and can see that she's screaming in fear?
how many times did I yell in his ear while the medic was trying to clear?

fast forward a week, but the tears never came...
I've never been told I was guilty, but people kept staring, I'm drenched in the blame
and day after day, the scene keeps replaying,
I've emptied the cupboards of each of my bottles, I'd rather have spirits consuming my brain
don't even know when I gave up on sober and fell off the wagon, certainly haven't been praying at night.
I thought I was sure I would never go back, but pain overwhelming convinced me to hide
I'm safe and I'm sound, drink 'til I'm drunk and I'm sadly alive
maybe the habit just happened to hold me together. it's honestly fine to feel broken inside

today, I decided,'s a good day to die…
I'm nothing but happy with saying goodbye, it's finally time that my cycle's complete.
the pain'll release to the stars in the sky, scars glowing white as I fall to my knees
empty the vessel they once knew as me, I peacefully bleed 'til my spirit is free.
the few I call friends are the first to believe in the truth that I found was so easy to see.
the kingdom is clean, the pathway pristine. far up ahead I hear laughter.
perhaps it belonged to the woman I killed but perhaps in the end, it won't matter.
I hope she'll be waiting so patiently calm 'til I join her forever and after.
gasoline soaked through my clothes to the bone, it's a comfort to know they'll respect where my ashes are scattered.

[PancakeBrah]

I've emptied the cupboards of each of my bottles, I'd rather have spirits consuming my brain

First half of this line is good; the second half of this line is bad. Spirits consuming my brain is just clunky and weird to me. Forced. But the first half is good phrasing!

maybe the habit just happened to hold me together. it's honestly fine to feel broken inside

The first half is trite; the second half is nice.

The first stanza thing was the best part of the verse. Nothing SPECTACULAR but decent writing that sets the scene. Jumping right from that into the inner turmoil and reflections on addiction, though, made this feel too generic. In my humble opinion you would have been better served continuing the narrative portion while weaving in these ideas of regret, addiction, and depression. That's a more forceful effect. Whereas now, you give lip service to the catalyst and it feels shoehorned. Any emotional impact you were looking for, and you were looking for it, is tempered pretty hard here. Some decent phrases here and there but the overall strategy was a bit of a miss, to me. Thanks for the read!