just some lines

YDK · 08-13-2015, 04:31 AM

My mood is resigned while I'm chasing you blind
Erasing mistakes or refusing their mine?
Its too soon to tell, yet its been well designed
A bittersweet mixture between hell and my mind.
I tell them I'm fine when I'm asked by my family
But they can't understand the sheer weight of insanity.
Can it be said so candidly? Dead
I'm the monster hiding under the canopy bed.
The sheep in wolves clothing while calamity spreads,
That knew what was written before it was planned to be read.
I try to bear others burdens but they're handing me lead,
Lift this weight from my shoulders God! He abandoned me; fled.
Drowning in dispair, a man at sea with no life raft
So I fight to survive unsure of the right path.
Dear diary,
I just wish that you could write back.

K Panda · 08-13-2015, 12:11 PM

I like the closing line, real nice, never seen that before.

As for the rhyme scheme, real solid, i like. The only part im not a fan of is:
I'm the monster hiding under the canopy bed
under the canapoy head hurts my head, i understand it helps set up the following rhyme scheme, but it hurts my head as a image.

Other than that, good writing.

08-13-2015, 04:31 AM	#1
YDK ghost in the matrix Join Date: Apr 2013 Location: Covington, KY Posts: 4,563 Battle Record: 14-25 Champed - Art of Writing League (x2) - Lime Green Poetry Association Rep Power: 8181113	just some lines My mood is resigned while I'm chasing you blind Erasing mistakes or refusing their mine? Its too soon to tell, yet its been well designed A bittersweet mixture between hell and my mind. I tell them I'm fine when I'm asked by my family But they can't understand the sheer weight of insanity. Can it be said so candidly? Dead I'm the monster hiding under the canopy bed. The sheep in wolves clothing while calamity spreads, That knew what was written before it was planned to be read. I try to bear others burdens but they're handing me lead, Lift this weight from my shoulders God! He abandoned me; fled. Drowning in dispair, a man at sea with no life raft So I fight to survive unsure of the right path. Dear diary, I just wish that you could write back. __________________

08-13-2015, 12:11 PM	#2
K Panda Member Join Date: Aug 2015 Posts: 46 Rep Power: 0	I like the closing line, real nice, never seen that before. As for the rhyme scheme, real solid, i like. The only part im not a fan of is: I'm the monster hiding under the canopy bed under the canapoy head hurts my head, i understand it helps set up the following rhyme scheme, but it hurts my head as a image. Other than that, good writing.