vents

Bodey · 03-05-2015, 01:23 PM

so focused on a rhyme lately, i'm not makin sense.
pressin hard onto the paper, here's to breakin my pens
i'm a woman dismayed, made outta paper mache
cuz i never had a thick skin, i'm a sensitive prey.
sometimes i feel afraid that i cant save her today.
it's okay, on the inside i'm the plainest of grays,
though the blacks and the whites are much harder to tame.
they come leakin out raging from my drug-addled brain,
an organ slumped over forever like it's saddled with pain
Unstable. it could cause jaws to drop down in fear
no Dayquil, but i'm sewn with enough night to last a year

big baby · 03-05-2015, 02:40 PM

jesus i thought it couldnt get any worse

Ghost1 · 03-05-2015, 07:51 PM

Lmao

Ghost1 · 03-05-2015, 08:01 PM

Idk

Im gonna say this an ....im just gonna say this

I read this. It was wack.

Idk why so many people think this outlet is for them

Despite the rhymes being simple and boring & the content being painfully uncreative ....the actual writing, grammar, word choices etc are atrocious

Putting words next to eachother doesnt make u a writer, rhyming them doesnt make u a rapper and having emotions doesnt make u deep.

Ur audios are an even bigger insult to the craft

Sorry...i just dont think ur good at all and i think that ur efforts....being of the mindset that ur time is being well spent and u are successful at this...is a complete slap in the face to every1 that actually belongs here.

david stern razor burns · 03-05-2015, 08:16 PM

Hi Miss Ali. I didn't think this was very good, mostly considering what I have seen you post in the past.

I think it's obvious that this was a keystyle, but even then it substantially lacked anything interesting or at their very least technically impressive.

A disappointment to be sure, but I hope you can use these criticisms to get back on track.

Dope girl · 03-07-2015, 09:30 PM

In my opinion I'm not feeling it, but don't give up.

PancakeBrah · 03-22-2015, 08:16 PM

so focused on a rhyme lately, i'm not makin sense.
pressin hard onto the paper, here's to breakin my pens

'Here's to breakin' my pens' was okay enough.

i'm a woman dismayed, made outta paper mache
cuz i never had a thick skin, i'm a sensitive prey.

Take the 'a' before sensitive out of this sentence. Paper mache is a trigger word for negative feed. Been used a lot.

sometimes i feel afraid that i cant save her today.
it's okay, on the inside i'm the plainest of grays,

Can't save who? 'Plainest of grays' is an apt description for that description. It's air. Nobody responds to that. Like paper mache. It's just so overused. It's the word 'the'. People just read it. There's nothing.

though the blacks and the whites are much harder to tame.
they come leakin out raging from my drug-addled brain,

Saying 'my drug addled brain' seems like your asking for attention. You can word this more subtly. The black/white dichotomy is done to death.

an organ slumped over forever like it's saddled with pain

Is it 'like' it's saddle with pain, or is it actually saddled with pain? Slumped over forever? Subtlety?

Unstable. it could cause jaws to drop down in fear
no Dayquil, but i'm sewn with enough night to last a year

ok.

Not trying to be Mr. Asshole, ya know. Just trying to help! We can beat big baby together. Call me. I'll help provide Useful Tips and Hidden Codes.

Thanks for the read!

big baby · 03-22-2015, 11:37 PM

lol jesus this sucked so bad i cant beleive i read it a second time

i litrly have a headache now

plz consider retirement or some form of self harm

this isnt for u

but id feel bad if u actually hurt urself

lol jk i woudlnt but srsly lmao suck so bad fucking wow jesus

Pharaohs Army · 03-23-2015, 12:55 AM

so focused on a rhyme lately i'm not makin sense pressin hard onto the paper here's to breakin my pens i'm a woman dismayed
made outta paper mache cuz i never had a thick skin i'm a sensitive prey.
some times i feel afraid..
..that i can't save her today|it's okay.
on the inside i'm the plainest of grays though the blacks and the whites are much harder to tame they come leakin out raging from my Drug-addled Brain.
an organ slumped over forever like it's saddled with pain
Unstable.
it could cause jaws to drop down in fear--no Dayquil.
[sic]

Pharaohs Army · 03-24-2015, 07:46 PM

Don't wanna pile on, so I only "kind of" will. As others may have mentioned, this is not very good Alii; I've seen better from you.

In my view the biggest problem is some very trite wording. And the last line is bad (beginning after the word dayquil). Get it out of there.

That being said I enjoy rapping it because your multi's are good. And I like the way the first couple lines sound.
"My 2 cents" is: mushing some of your lines together on the text, that's what I meant by quoting you abovebut changing the look of it as part of my feedback.

If you're willing to be here, and share this, and read what others say about it, then in my opinion you do belong here and don't have to retire. Good multis just be more clever with your phraseology. (cleverer?)

03-22-2015, 08:16 PM	#7
PancakeBrah SOBER Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 12,480 Battle Record: 2-5 Champed - AOWL Season 2 Rep Power: 85899407	so focused on a rhyme lately, i'm not makin sense. pressin hard onto the paper, here's to breakin my pens 'Here's to breakin' my pens' was okay enough. i'm a woman dismayed, made outta paper mache cuz i never had a thick skin, i'm a sensitive prey. Take the 'a' before sensitive out of this sentence. Paper mache is a trigger word for negative feed. Been used a lot. sometimes i feel afraid that i cant save her today. it's okay, on the inside i'm the plainest of grays, Can't save who? 'Plainest of grays' is an apt description for that description. It's air. Nobody responds to that. Like paper mache. It's just so overused. It's the word 'the'. People just read it. There's nothing. though the blacks and the whites are much harder to tame. they come leakin out raging from my drug-addled brain, Saying 'my drug addled brain' seems like your asking for attention. You can word this more subtly. The black/white dichotomy is done to death. an organ slumped over forever like it's saddled with pain Is it 'like' it's saddle with pain, or is it actually saddled with pain? Slumped over forever? Subtlety? Unstable. it could cause jaws to drop down in fear no Dayquil, but i'm sewn with enough night to last a year ok. Not trying to be Mr. Asshole, ya know. Just trying to help! We can beat big baby together. Call me. I'll help provide Useful Tips and Hidden Codes. Thanks for the read! __________________ Netcees 2025 Revivalist Movement Founder

03-05-2015, 07:51 PM	#3
Ghost1 Senior Member Join Date: Jan 2014 Posts: 26,334 Battle Record: 0-1 Rep Power: 84181445	Lmao

03-05-2015, 08:01 PM	#4
Ghost1 Senior Member Join Date: Jan 2014 Posts: 26,334 Battle Record: 0-1 Rep Power: 84181445	Idk Im gonna say this an ....im just gonna say this I read this. It was wack. Idk why so many people think this outlet is for them Despite the rhymes being simple and boring & the content being painfully uncreative ....the actual writing, grammar, word choices etc are atrocious Putting words next to eachother doesnt make u a writer, rhyming them doesnt make u a rapper and having emotions doesnt make u deep. Ur audios are an even bigger insult to the craft Sorry...i just dont think ur good at all and i think that ur efforts....being of the mindset that ur time is being well spent and u are successful at this...is a complete slap in the face to every1 that actually belongs here.

03-05-2015, 08:16 PM	#5
david stern razor burns with razor spurs Join Date: Mar 2014 Location: At David Blaine's favorite place with David Spade and Macy Gray Posts: 87 Rep Power: 3750190	Hi Miss Ali. I didn't think this was very good, mostly considering what I have seen you post in the past. I think it's obvious that this was a keystyle, but even then it substantially lacked anything interesting or at their very least technically impressive. A disappointment to be sure, but I hope you can use these criticisms to get back on track.

03-07-2015, 09:30 PM	#6
Dope girl Senior Member Join Date: Jan 2013 Location: I live in Florida Posts: 4,789 Battle Record: 3-8 Rep Power: 55521419	In my opinion I'm not feeling it, but don't give up.

03-23-2015, 12:55 AM	#9
Pharaohs Army Banned Join Date: Aug 2014 Posts: 2,956 Battle Record: 6 - 14 Rep Power: 0	so focused on a rhyme lately i'm not makin sense pressin hard onto the paper here's to breakin my pens i'm a woman dismayed made outta paper mache cuz i never had a thick skin i'm a sensitive prey. some times i feel afraid.. ..that i can't save her today\|it's okay. on the inside i'm the plainest of grays though the blacks and the whites are much harder to tame they come leakin out raging from my Drug-addled Brain. an organ slumped over forever like it's saddled with pain Unstable. it could cause jaws to drop down in fear--no Dayquil. [sic]

03-24-2015, 07:46 PM	#10
Pharaohs Army Banned Join Date: Aug 2014 Posts: 2,956 Battle Record: 6 - 14 Rep Power: 0	Don't wanna pile on, so I only "kind of" will. As others may have mentioned, this is not very good Alii; I've seen better from you. In my view the biggest problem is some very trite wording. And the last line is bad (beginning after the word dayquil). Get it out of there. That being said I enjoy rapping it because your multi's are good. And I like the way the first couple lines sound. "My 2 cents" is: mushing some of your lines together on the text, that's what I meant by quoting you abovebut changing the look of it as part of my feedback. If you're willing to be here, and share this, and read what others say about it, then in my opinion you do belong here and don't have to retire. Good multis just be more clever with your phraseology. (cleverer?)