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08-14-2013, 06:08 PM
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#1 |
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no games.
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 190
Rep Power: 37  |
I'm sad?
I'm drowsed and.. with a crack-breath for the moment
my soul feels unfocused,alone,blank, or no.it. could be transperant, noone gives it a fare of attention it's only a penny for my thoughts parents? can't afford it? Fuck it.. there just emotions, and I don't want to waste time so i'll stay quiet, but i'll be screaming in these rhymes your asking ..where I picked up the habit' well is that your million dollar question?well then I don't need your attention.fuck it motto- of a clueless walking teen call it rebellious, I guess then shit thats my mission If you won't love me then you'll hate me bitches, guzzle that captain morgan pass out in a forest, I build me a fortress but its sofest when I'm surfin. Let it flow off my soul, Let it flow off my soul in hopes to stay souless. Last edited by Albert Rhymestein; 08-14-2013 at 06:22 PM. |
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08-14-2013, 07:24 PM
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#2 |
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Senior Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: I live in Florida
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This need more Creativity, flow, & complexity.
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08-14-2013, 07:25 PM
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#3 |
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no games.
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 190
Rep Power: 37 |
lmao don't you have some twerk praticing to do?
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08-15-2013, 06:23 AM
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#4 |
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Mad fucking dangerous.
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 12,066
Battle Record: 40-19
Champed - AOWL Season 3
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Rep Power: 85899406 |
She's not entirely wrong. There was a lot of potential in this verse. But the simplicity dragged it down. The rhymes were OK, but the scheme was inconsistent. I think that the clumsy flow and a few exhausted phrases ("million-dollar question," "penny for my thoughts" ... if you're using phrases like those, you should try to flip them into something else) buried a few interesting turns of phrase and concepts. I liked the idea of passing out in a forest and building a fortress, though that seemed almost to be a happenstance series of slanted rhymes in the grand scheme of your verse.
I also had a bit of an issue with the presentation. This verse felt almost like it originally was written in paragraph format, then broken up. The lack of spacing after some punctuation made it a bit awkward to read. And there were quite a few small typos, though that's standard fare. I think you probably wrote this very quickly, and I would like to see what you could do with more polish on a verse and more concern toward originality.
__________________
I'm just swinging swords strictly based on keyboards, unbalanced like elephants and ants on seesaws. |
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08-15-2013, 12:11 PM
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#5 |
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no games.
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 190
Rep Power: 37 |
the million dollar question and penny for my thoughts was suppose to connect to the fair of attention wordplay.
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08-15-2013, 12:40 PM
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#6 |
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Mad fucking dangerous.
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 12,066
Battle Record: 40-19
Champed - AOWL Season 3
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Rep Power: 85899406 |
It's possible I missed that connection because I was tired.
__________________
I'm just swinging swords strictly based on keyboards, unbalanced like elephants and ants on seesaws. |
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08-15-2013, 12:46 PM
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#7 |
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no games.
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 190
Rep Power: 37 |
90% of the thing is all metaphors i'm not literaly building me a fortress in a forest.
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08-15-2013, 12:50 PM
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#8 |
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Mad fucking dangerous.
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 12,066
Battle Record: 40-19
Champed - AOWL Season 3
- Art of Writing League (2x)
Rep Power: 85899406 |
Yes, I'm aware. I liked it as a metaphor. You could have expanded on it as a metaphor because it was interesting.
__________________
I'm just swinging swords strictly based on keyboards, unbalanced like elephants and ants on seesaws. |
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Hybrid Mode
