The Hot Babes on Old Milwakee Cans

CopyPat · 08-20-2013, 03:51 AM

Seriously drinking Old Milwaukee. beers be sinking oh so softly, cheers for thinking cokes and vodka spirits be for ho's and not ya peers who be ya bro's its awfully weird sticky gross and sloppy here you bitches know when pop appears i hit the road. the bottles clear? its simply no. i'm not a queer, i drink alone to calm the fear of leaving home

Brian Bryan · 08-20-2013, 08:54 AM

Just seen this in the cypher, didn't realise you posted it up in here, thought it flowed crisp apart from this one midway through:

Quote:

its awfully weird sticky gross

I see exactly why you did it in terms of the scheme and keeping the same multi-string going, so I shouldn't complain really, just making note so you know I read the whole thing and this wasn't your casual 'didn't even bother peeping' response.

Heh.

Keep that pen moving!

Exis · 08-20-2013, 11:51 AM

Lol...not bad at all, could use a break up in places as words just run into each other...that's nit pickin' tho as this was nice with it.

Keep doin' you bitch ;)

CopyPat · 09-08-2013, 02:06 PM

i will ALWAYS keep doing myself ex

wait...

haha up, i like this one

Natural · 09-08-2013, 05:59 PM

Incredibly short. It was fluid. It was not real lyrical or complex....but I suppose it did what it needed too.
You have untapped skill....you aren't aware of yet. I think you've grown complacent with your style because I've read your work for a long time and I can't really say I have seen any significant elevation.
Yes, many of dope text verses.....but nothing out of the ordinary of what id expect from you.

In my opinion its not enough to simply have a solid verse....it's got to be innovative and entertain each and every time.....when someone clicks on your piece....it should be unpredictable.

I'm not saying I am perfect or haven't fallen guilty to some of the same things....but for improvement purposes that's my two cents.

Certain · 09-10-2013, 01:53 AM

That last line was a killer, like, my heart kind of sunk with it. There's something about building the verse on such a loose premise with such casual wording then ending it on a line like that, without breaking voice but while putting that downer note on it and not ending on what had been perceived as the end rhyme.

Otherwise, there were a lot of rhymes. The "sticky" part worked because again it was all a non-traditional setup for the last line. Obviously the content was thin. But I liked this verse.

zygote · 09-10-2013, 01:16 PM

Enjoyed it a lot. The sudden build up to the very last thought was great, the small content worked for it well. Kind of minimalist, concise as possible style, it would be great to read a series of these very short odes to 'things' with a similar kind of introspective/sad ending for each.

Dove Dozer · 09-11-2013, 02:43 PM

Pat youre like a rap retard.. lol

Rain man rhymes.. fucking sick bro.

09-08-2013, 02:06 PM	#4
CopyPat Mic Check Join Date: Mar 2013 Location: Calgary Alberta Canada Posts: 708 Battle Record: 13-10 Rep Power: 3742225	i will ALWAYS keep doing myself ex wait... haha up, i like this one __________________ My syllable count approximately a billion, bounce. You cannot compete.

09-10-2013, 01:53 AM	#6
Certain Mad fucking dangerous. Join Date: Jul 2013 Posts: 12,066 Battle Record: 40-19 Champed - AOWL Season 3 - Art of Writing League (2x) Rep Power: 85899406	That last line was a killer, like, my heart kind of sunk with it. There's something about building the verse on such a loose premise with such casual wording then ending it on a line like that, without breaking voice but while putting that downer note on it and not ending on what had been perceived as the end rhyme. Otherwise, there were a lot of rhymes. The "sticky" part worked because again it was all a non-traditional setup for the last line. Obviously the content was thin. But I liked this verse. __________________ I'm just swinging swords strictly based on keyboards, unbalanced like elephants and ants on seesaws.

09-11-2013, 02:43 PM	#8
Dove Dozer loose leaf bruce lee Join Date: Mar 2013 Posts: 1,077 Battle Record: 7-6 Rep Power: 1853216	Pat youre like a rap retard.. lol Rain man rhymes.. fucking sick bro. __________________

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08-20-2013, 11:51 AM	#3
Exis ............ Join Date: Jul 2013 Posts: 3,934 Battle Record: 3-3 Rep Power: 0	Lol...not bad at all, could use a break up in places as words just run into each other...that's nit pickin' tho as this was nice with it. Keep doin' you bitch ;)

09-08-2013, 05:59 PM	#5
Natural Senior Member Join Date: Apr 2013 Posts: 659 Rep Power: 0	Incredibly short. It was fluid. It was not real lyrical or complex....but I suppose it did what it needed too. You have untapped skill....you aren't aware of yet. I think you've grown complacent with your style because I've read your work for a long time and I can't really say I have seen any significant elevation. Yes, many of dope text verses.....but nothing out of the ordinary of what id expect from you. In my opinion its not enough to simply have a solid verse....it's got to be innovative and entertain each and every time.....when someone clicks on your piece....it should be unpredictable. I'm not saying I am perfect or haven't fallen guilty to some of the same things....but for improvement purposes that's my two cents.

09-10-2013, 01:16 PM	#7
zygote Senior Member Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 501 Battle Record: 33-12 Accomplishments - OM HOF (2x) Champed - Art of Writing League (3x) Rep Power: 737828	Enjoyed it a lot. The sudden build up to the very last thought was great, the small content worked for it well. Kind of minimalist, concise as possible style, it would be great to read a series of these very short odes to 'things' with a similar kind of introspective/sad ending for each.