Week 2: Sral vs. Jesodist (SRAL WINS SHUTOUT 8-0)

[asylum]

Season 6

Verses are due SATURDAY 3/12
Midnight Western / 3 AM Eastern / 8 AM UK.

Voting ends MONDAY 3/14
Midnight Western / 3 AM Eastern / 8 AM UK.

32 LINE MINIMUM

Verses may not exceed 48 lines

Voting on four battles is required. If you win and don't vote the requirement you will receive a loss instead. If you lose and don't vote the requirement, you will receive a one-week suspension. Please post links to your four votes in the voting thread.

Topic: The Pages Of My Mind

Good luck to both participants. @sraL (0-1) @ Jesodist (0-1)

[sral]

"Pages Of My Mynd"


Some days I just unwind whenever on my own
to the pages of my mind and the memories they hold.
Some are sketchy, others bold, but presiding there intact
- a collection of the moments that define me as a man.
I'm reminded of my past and how far that I've come
as it's finally apparent now I've fathered a son.
I started with nothing but an apprenticeship to a job
and worked hard to accomplish everything that I'd got.
It was a godsend, providing me with money to burn
which I would squander without the slightest look of concern.
But what I earned meant nothing the deeper I delved
not with the drugs I was permanently feeding myself.
I needed some help, but couldn't see how stubborn I'd grown
me being me I just felt I had it under control.
I took out a loan to try and settle my debts
but with the money I owed, there was never much left.
I kept the pretence up, but I was living a lie
always ever inventive with what I did to get by.
This was my life, but one I kept a secret from friends
and it's a side of me I never want to meet with again.
It's easy descending into the back of beyond
with no reason to end the destructive path that you're on.
I haven't forgotten that, and it's easy to see
but that was so long ago I can't even believe it was me.
I needed a reason to work on it now
and to keep on believing I'd turn it around.
My girl was still down, though I thought she would dash
and I worship the ground that she walks on for that.
Despite all that has happened she's stood at my side
when she's been called into action, how lucky am I?
Looking at life now, you'd never even guess that was me,
trust me I'm trying to pay her back and be the best I can be.
Whenever I feel the compulsion arise
- I remember that fearful look in her eyes.
The drugs are behind me, but it took a moment to see
that I should be providing for those closest to me.
I know that it seems like an obvious statement
but it's only when clean you can promise these changes.
I'm honestly taking more positive steps
now we've got us the baby to acknowledge instead.
All I want is the best for the two of them both
- to be someone they depend on in a more dutiful role.
I'm resuming control over the mistakes of my past
by choosing to focus on what makes me a man.
I've changed who I am, now I've a strategy in place
for making it happen despite whatever's standing in my way.
I'm happy just so say that I've been finally given
a new chapter in the pages of my mind to be written...



real shit.

[JESODIST]

Pages in my Mind
Page 1 Love Seeking

The woman of my dreams is almost Close to Perfection,
She is a never ending golden stream with a Glowing Reflection,
A pure hearted soul who will securely give me a hand on the Worse Situation,
Without Doubt or Hesitation no matter all the time Process and Duration,
On this path she and hipocrisy really have absolutely No Connection,
She is a firmly planted Foundation growing Beyond Temptation,
So inspired if she was a product she'd be one Without Expiration,
Loved and admired by the whole World's Population,
I keep asking myself when will she come to me but i get No Contestation,
Her Lovely Affection is the only Known Medication,
That i need to remain focused in this Found Destination,
These Words not to Mention are the only way i know how to Unfold my Admiration,
towards you my Proven Salvation making me Expose Imagination,
that transport you to Profound other Wordly Dimensions,
where we will live in harmony in Holy Accomodations...

Page 2
The After Level

Welcome to the Pages in my Mind they are the Cleverest Design where Satan is Confined,
The entire Matrix is Inclined Contemplated by the Elders and Divine,
A legion of angels on a Temple Aligned levitating above the Sacred Shrine
completing the Mission they were Blatantly Assigned,
which is turning the blood of Hades into Wine,
Guardians of grim Enlightning Humans Racing against Time,
Through the narrow passages of Hatred and Crime,
Nothing survives the Radioactive spilling acid drips and Tasteless Grime but you can try and Take your Time,
Apocryphal Grounds run by the Prodigal Son with Biological Bombs and Diabolical Bounds,
A place of Eternal Darkness occupied by the Infernal and Heartless,
Medusa with a Thousand Scars slithering through the Holes n Walls,
Soldiers in arms Fighting to death without Knowing the Cause,
Black magic spells to mark Where the Sorcerer Falls,
Hidden from civilization behind Mortuary Walls,
Demonic spirits reign supreme on the Ferocious Battle,
Where they view humans as just Hopeless Cattle,
Rounding them up the minute they Jump on the Saddle,
A malevolent warlord Honed in Shackles,
Eminating from my heart is a Glowing Sparkle,
In a Sunken Castle so cold that your Bones would Crackle,
The pages in my mind are a burning tomb for Larcenous Enemies with Cañcerous Tendencies,
Revolving relentlessly with dillusios of Ominous Felonies and Blasphemous Memories,
Pages in mind are Cages intertwined Molded in Secrecy by Sages Mystified and Growing Discretely,
A Clouded Scenery depicting Glory and Victory Undecoded for History and Shrouded in Mystery,
Infernally spawned ghost trapped in karmic circles Surrounded by Misery,

[breathless]

Vote - Sral

Both had pretty good pieces, jes was more on a content type of poetic thing than the metrics of world class hip-hop lyrics, so it's sort of hard to judge.
Whereas I felt Sral had such a real ass authentic life lesson piece, riddle with perfect cadence and multis, at times the perfection became too perfect and the wording format was stretched to a point where the realism lost the foreground to the rhythm I was reading... Jes had a spectacular philosophical piece that was somewhat mundanely generic, but in a good way. I wasn't feeling the odd capitalization of (in assuming) intended cadence expression, as it tended to take me away from the mental content and flicked my eyes back to the line before last to figure out where the capitalization match was supposed to land, and then still sometimes not even finding it.

Both great pieces, had this been strict poetry and no set topic Jes would've taken it imo, but with the topic being pages of *my* mind, and it being more rap lyric oriented, Sral is the clear winner for me

[symetrik]

SRAL'S PIECE

Some are sketchy, others bold, but presiding there intact
- a collection of the moments that define me as a man.

This whole piece started off a little jagged to read. The idea was there, the flow juuuust not quite to my mental reader.

I needed some help, but couldn't see how stubborn I'd grown
me being me I just felt I had it under control.

Good multis starting to develop, and certainly starting to be a more easily digested flow.

My girl was still down, though I thought she would dash
and I worship the ground that she walks on for that.

The flow, at this point, has become fluid (for the MOST part) and has pulled the reader's tempo in. This is a nice visual too, for me. It's simple words, it's simple images, but it conveys (and quite clearly conveys) such an pivotal part of this piece.

I know that it seems like an obvious statement
but it's only when clean you can promise these changes.
I'm honestly taking...

The flow, by the end, has pulled the reader's attention in to finish. If it hadn't developed, it wouldn't have been as good of a read. (The multis to lead into the next rhyme scheme were a bonus).

JESODIST'S PIECE

Page 1 Love Seeking

I almost stopped reading after the first eight lines. This comes off HARD as if you googled "what rhymes with perfection" and just forced each and every line.

Welcome to the Pages in my Mind they are the Cleverest Design where Satan is Confined,
The entire Matrix is Inclined Contemplated by the Elders and Divine,

again, feeling forced. with a little tweaks, though, the flow of this would have been cool as fuck.

Apocryphal Grounds run by the Prodigal Son with Biological Bombs and Diabolical Bounds

threw me off a lot. I see the rhyme but I needed the next line to help smooth it over, but it wasn't there :(
I won't go on but, big rhymes don't make for a good read. They come off as forced. it wasn't bad by any means, the idea was well established but it has definite room for improvement.

MVGT @sraL

[UnbornBuddha]

Lars wrote a simple enough rendition based on rehabilitation and its process and the motivation being his loved one. It felt very genuine, but nothing too special either, in terms of the effort this portrays. While very clean, it reads very hastily done and compared to some of your other works not as encompassing. Yet, it had a heartfelt feeling to it, even if the thematic premise, the hardship, seemed kind of ordinary without any new fresh spin on it.

Jesodist: Glad to see you entering the topical arena. I can tell you are struggling in adapting to this new format. To succeed, I think you need to be less strict in following your style and be more flexible. I think for topicals you need to be more focused and that requires abandoning this obsessive need to rhyme this words you view as adding complexity to your narrative. While, yes they do add complexity, they also burden your phrasing by making it more encrypted than it should be. Now, this might sound strange coming from me, to write a bit more simpler and flexible, but I think it's what you need for adapting and evolving in the topical. Also the capitalization is unneeded, makes the writing look too pronounced. Go for natural and fluid, not cryptic.

Vote: Lars

[timeless]

Jesodist. I just feel like u and GC work at a some church u guys grew up in reading scriptures and shit but you're both twisted as fuck exploring wild mythical dreams of sorts. This verse was definitely better than your last and more whole in general. I generally thought it completely fell of once page 2 started. You just seemed more natural on the first part.

Baron. If this is actual real shit then congrats bro. I'm not in discussion too often I feel like you would've announced the news. But either way this piece was dope. It had a lack of a story/direction. I feel you could've done more with it. But so if this is real shit then it's all gravy.

V. Lars for the truth.

[Mr. J]

Lars, its nice to see you pull the old ball & chain out & swing it about
From the start of your piece I could tell I was going to enjoy your route
you put a lot of real life events into place & shine with your perspective
what I enjoyed about this is is how fluent you are, much respect kid...
at the drop of a dime you were capable of making the topic your own
the ability to shed light on your troubles in the past had me like...whoa
& as I progressed through your piece I saw the troubles & the answers
the growth & maturity that you showcase is truly....spectacular...
nice work bruh...


JESODIST, I have a hard time trying to figure out what your focus is
the first page of your opening felt cool but the rhymes were wrapped in hopelessness
I was saddened by the time I finished this page because I know you can write
by the second page I feel like that all you really wanted to do is...rhyme..
& thats cool but you need to understand that you need to mold your words into a story
perhaps you need to allow yourself to loosen up...you think you could do that for me?
I would like to see you advance in the league & bring forth some amazing work
you have showcased you can play with words & write your ass off now...show your worth..
k...

v/sraL, I feel that he had the more cohesive piece compared to his opponent
JESODIST came out rhyming like crazy but didnt have the story to close it...
sraL brought a piece that most can relate to & gives him the better advantage
with more work & a stronger performance JESODIST could have had it
but sraL took this by landslide...
nice work fellas............Bandai

[Just Write]

Lars,
Man... you have no idea, I connected with this piece like no other.
It almost felt as if you gud into he pages IN MY MIND. This was very well written, top notch work here. You have a very unique style that is just butter to read. Enjoyed this very much man. I've had a similar road (although I still smoke weed, more so for back pain ect) but yea... awesome verse. MY VOTE FOR VOTW


Jesodist, I actually enjoy your writing but I want to say the same thing as I said last week and I want you to take it into consideration, I still feel like you are writing with a dictionary open and unfortunately that's the way it reads as well (and btw I used to do the same thing so don't think I'm picking on you, I will look for some early shit I wrote to post for you) I would love for you to just clear your mind and just write like you were just talking to a friend. Don t try to overwhelm your piece with so many internals because that will all come naturally. Anyways man, don't get me wrong I think you have some really great concepts and takes on a topic it just comes off forces a bit. Take this as contractile criticism and nothing else. Cheers

Mvgt=Lars for a more enjoyable read and almost making me cry like a baby

[Echo]

another major clash of styles

Lars, it's annoying how effortless rhyming is for you at times. i don't mean rhyming in general, that's not hard. i'm talking about how fluid you can make a piece without missing a beat. it's easy to take that for granted after reading a lot of your work but i appreciate the way you word your lines. i enjoyed the story. another one that resonates with most. overall a well written and fluid piece of work

Jesodist, it seems to me that you're just starting out on your journey as a ''topical writer''. i say this because you appear to be at the stage where your focus is on using a lot of crazy vocab and trying to be as mystical as you can. if that's your lane, that's cool -- it needs to be more fluid though. the capitalization needs to stop as it's taking away from your fluidity rather than adding to it. i actually liked the story and your take on the topic was creative. it's just that Lars brought such a fluent and well worded piece that it immediately highlighted the wording issues that you're still working out. don't be disheartened, though. being creative is the most important part of being a writer and you're definitely that

my vote is for Lars for writing an overall more sound piece that resonated with me as a reader

[Razah]

Thanks for making this a very easy vote.

Baron, the rhyming was cool, the short syllable bars made the read quick, and it was just a good piece overall.

Jesodist, I'm starting to dislike your style more & more. I'm usually not one to nitpick on someone's "style" as far as cosmetic reasons, but capitalizing your "multi's" is becoming annoying. Not for the fact that they're capitalized, but because they tend to make me over enunciate / stress the rhyming on those parts, and for the most part, the syllable count is off or the multi doesn't even correctly "fit". It made me dislike the piece. Also, your thoughts being scattered didn't help much.

Plain & simple, I was able to get through Baron's verse, and I forced myself to read Jesodist verse.

vBaronMynd