Winters coming.

Clayray · 09-25-2014, 01:49 PM

It started as nothing, a slight breeze in the wind
But soon we began to see the leafs turning grim.
Changing contrast, turning of a new leaf
My pain is broadcast for all of you to see
Days getting shorter, nights become longer
An ex-pill snorter but lately I've been stronger
As the temperature drops, & cold settles in
Missing her's got me holding metal to my brim
Oh here we go again, fighting the urge to pull it
Gun in mouth giving new meaning to bite the bullet
It's been 2 years since the accident that killed you
We was on pills too, what happened next
Tires screech, brake lights, I didn't see the black ice
IM SORRY
I'm so sorry.. Baby I miss you so much
Every year this season brings back tears, I can't cry enough
Gun is clutched, fuck it.
We said we'd always be together no matter what.

Zen · 09-25-2014, 02:47 PM

Your wording leaves something to be desired. It comes across as very novice, almost as if you are forcing the words to work instead of letting the words work for you. "leafs turning grim" is a good example of that. That rhyme is way too forced, and in the end makes sense....but it doesn't. Like I get it, the leaves died, but if you can't find a creative way to say that to engage us as the readers into it without forcing something, then just tell us the leaves died.

Changing contrast, turning of a new leaf
My pain is broadcast for all of you to see
^ This was nice. Very basic, but it was enjoyable.

The rest in my opinion came off as a little too try hard, almost like you were pretending to feel what you were writing. You can't fake it, man. And if you did feel what you wrote, I didn't. So, yeah.

Clayray · 09-25-2014, 11:32 PM

I was forcing the emotion, ive never delt with that situation. but I appreciate the feed anyways @Zen

And I haven't posted an OM for a while, just the 2 recent ones. But I get what you're saying. Really. My bad on being a fuckhead when you told me the first time. S'all good though

Mercy · 09-26-2014, 04:08 PM

this was decent. I liked the emotion and imagery but the lyrics were a bit basic. Try using some more multi's and internals. I can definitely help you with them if you'd like the assistance, I'm always a pm away. stay up dude, this was pretty nice.

09-25-2014, 01:49 PM	#1
Clayray 6ft of Seperation Join Date: Aug 2010 Posts: 1,541 Battle Record: 3-5 Champed - Faggot of the Year (2015) Rep Power: 0	Winters coming. It started as nothing, a slight breeze in the wind But soon we began to see the leafs turning grim. Changing contrast, turning of a new leaf My pain is broadcast for all of you to see Days getting shorter, nights become longer An ex-pill snorter but lately I've been stronger As the temperature drops, & cold settles in Missing her's got me holding metal to my brim Oh here we go again, fighting the urge to pull it Gun in mouth giving new meaning to bite the bullet It's been 2 years since the accident that killed you We was on pills too, what happened next Tires screech, brake lights, I didn't see the black ice IM SORRY I'm so sorry.. Baby I miss you so much Every year this season brings back tears, I can't cry enough Gun is clutched, fuck it. We said we'd always be together no matter what. __________________ GraveyardShift

09-25-2014, 02:47 PM	#2
Zen Arm the Homeless Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 4,102 Battle Record: 22-24 Champed - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 35079722	Your wording leaves something to be desired. It comes across as very novice, almost as if you are forcing the words to work instead of letting the words work for you. "leafs turning grim" is a good example of that. That rhyme is way too forced, and in the end makes sense....but it doesn't. Like I get it, the leaves died, but if you can't find a creative way to say that to engage us as the readers into it without forcing something, then just tell us the leaves died. Changing contrast, turning of a new leaf My pain is broadcast for all of you to see ^ This was nice. Very basic, but it was enjoyable. The rest in my opinion came off as a little too try hard, almost like you were pretending to feel what you were writing. You can't fake it, man. And if you did feel what you wrote, I didn't. So, yeah. Last edited by Zen; 09-26-2014 at 07:01 AM.

09-25-2014, 11:32 PM	#3
Clayray 6ft of Seperation Join Date: Aug 2010 Posts: 1,541 Battle Record: 3-5 Champed - Faggot of the Year (2015) Rep Power: 0	I was forcing the emotion, ive never delt with that situation. but I appreciate the feed anyways @Zen And I haven't posted an OM for a while, just the 2 recent ones. But I get what you're saying. Really. My bad on being a fuckhead when you told me the first time. S'all good though __________________ GraveyardShift

09-26-2014, 04:08 PM	#4
Mercy Junior Member Join Date: Sep 2014 Posts: 26 Rep Power: 0	this was decent. I liked the emotion and imagery but the lyrics were a bit basic. Try using some more multi's and internals. I can definitely help you with them if you'd like the assistance, I'm always a pm away. stay up dude, this was pretty nice.