Omw Home - from the fair

[Sho Money EMG]

Anger and stress, strangle your neck with no remorse
Angel of death, came to ingest this golden force
Become one to reign, a bunch of pain that's unpleasant
In fly fashion so much in time happens in one second
I'm done guessing - now providing all the answers you must question
the reason for life -i tell to be determined when some destine
I guess that I should be grateful for the life I'm granted
Instead I'm always hateful from these fiesty faggots
People hate to see you on top and lately it's been non stop
Just a bunch of cock blocks that dick rider hanging on ya stop watch
Gotta hold hands for these old man type - wearing no pants
I make love to the beat - as it peak ... we slow dance
Don't glance if u can't understand the radiant lights
This game like a pizza how I'm eager to make sure it save me a slice

So pray for your life, get on your knees you bitch ass
Or get whiplashed with a big stash I just cashed off your moms tit dance

[Sho Money EMG]

Left feed on split eights drop and C.S

[Split]

Anger and stress, strangle your neck with no remorse
Angel of death, came to ingest this golden force
>solid standard opening scheme. golden force was weird, idk what it means or is hinting at.

Become one to reign, a bunch of pain that's unpleasant
In fly fashion so much in time happens in one second
>cool in and of itself but is a lil out of place


Instead I'm always hateful from these fiesty faggots
People hate to see you on top and lately it's been non stop
Just a bunch of cock blocks that dick rider hanging on ya stop watch
>^^this bar wouldve flowed dope on audio, i think. be careful with the dick speak. or give it that (no homo) tag


So pray for your life, get on your knees you bitch ass
Or get whiplashed with a big stash I just cashed off your moms tit dance
>kinda swagged out haha

overall, it had its ups and downs. you have solid rhyming, its well-contained and doesnt come off as sloppy, but i get the feel you didnt know what this piece wanted to be.. at times you had lines that were almost topical like the Time one, a lot of general flexing, and a few punches.

advice: your rhyme schemes are good but the wording could use a couple tweaks. guessing from the title its keyed? wont criticize the concepts or nothing, this was decent all-round

thx for the feed, hope u enjoyed the fairgrounds Shogun Dinero

[Certain]

I think you struggled with focus in every aspect of this piece. You jumped from topic to topic, from voice to voice, from flow to flow. Sometimes, that can be a good thing, but in this case, it felt more sloppy than anything else.

Take a look at this couplet:

Become one to reign, a bunch of pain that's unpleasant
In fly fashion so much in time happens in one second

There are a lot of half-thoughts in that couplet, and I think the biggest problem may be the forcing of rhymes. Obviously, our wording is never going to be prosaically natural when we're using multiple-syllable and internal rhymes. This isn't a novel, and the rhyme scheme is a big part of what makes us love this form. But here you're really forcing it. Imagine ever saying the phrase "pain that's unpleasant" to someone. Is there any other kind of pain? I mean, I suppose there are fetishes, but beyond that, the wording is redundant and stands out as awkward.

That sort of stuff is scattered throughout your verse. There's also the matter of how everything flips a switch at the midway point, from "grateful for the life i'm granted" on. Now, the following line could have been really effective as a juxtaposition to the rest of your verse, but you flipped the entire verse and made the top half seem completely disconnected.

A lot of writing and rapping comes down to finding your rhythm. There was very little in this. You had the basic fundamentals of rhyming and rapping but not the mindset required to write cohesively.

[PancakeBrah]

Quit replying to every piece of feed and upping your pieces unwarranted.

As for the piece, it was okay. What's the golden force? 'A bunch of pain that's unpleasant' is not good. I understand you want to continue the rhyme scheme, but it's redundant and corny. 'one second', 'slow dance', and 'radiant lights' lines were okay. I liked them as opposed to the rest of the piece. The pizza metaphor was bad and shouldn't exist. 'Fiesty faggot' was cringe-worthy. Bad wording. Very uneven piece. It's obvious that you were very focused on rhymes, at the expense of ideas and content. It was better than some newbie trying his first open mic, but for me, personally, it didn't do much. A bunch of solid rhymes without much 'umph' to it.

Keep writing.