Vigilante

Richard Schwartz · 08-02-2014, 11:13 AM

Please feed my no-show verse from the Alias Tourney..
as this is a competition, I'd like to know where I stand with the public.
I feed under my real username often, but can drop some links in here as Mr. Schwartz.

Our vigilante lives in his shanty, sipping chianti
Or a snifter of brandy, as he flips through Cervantes
His pistol handy, it’s a dandy, and he’s sound on the draw
If you dare provoke a man that isn’t bound by the law
Counseled by God, dispatching of rustlers and thuggish creeps
Then rides away on his trusty steed amongst the tumbleweeds
Our vigilante once had a family, once a wife and a son
Whom he raised on a plot of land he had rightfully won
His tragedy came by banditry, at once swift but still wrathful
They killed his kin and his cattle, left him adrift and in shambles
Now he roams the restless ‘Handle, he won’t rest til they’re dead
As he paints the West in red, in search of Texas revenge
For those who crushed the gunsmith, their punishment cometh
Torn asunder in the rumble of his thundering bullets
See, his pistol is sinful, a fistful of artisanal nickel
Ever-fitful, his foes left dismal in their swiftest dismissal
Bitterness never fizzles, his heart steeled by their evils
A man once calm and pious now unwieldy and lethal
There’s no bravado in our desperado as he sips amontillado
He drowns his sorrows, hollow with the thought of tomorrow
His righteousness derelict, the Western air is but perilous
Our vigilante, his love unheralded…
but his gun barrel is

Zen · 08-02-2014, 12:36 PM

Ooooh, I think I know who you is.

For the post I'd say this was worded perfect except for the paints the West in red line. I felt like that rhyme came a little too soon and threw off the pacing a bit. This was cool though.

JESODIST · 08-02-2014, 01:35 PM

The rhyme scheme is consistent throughout the entire piece, Nice little story.
he’s sound on the draw
If you dare provoke a man that isn’t bound by the law
Counseled by God,

Vulgar · 08-06-2014, 12:37 AM

Now he roams the restless ‘Handle, he won’t rest til they’re dead
As he paints the West in red, in search of Texas revenge
^Tight.

It wasn't the most thorough effort, Mr. Schwartz but it was solid writing. You seem like you have the instincts to be able to make a longer piece and really hammer home a memorable story. This one felt like more of a snippet or a synopsis - all verses are, really, compared to short stories, but that's what makes it an artful process.

Keep doing you

UnbornBuddha · 08-06-2014, 01:52 AM

This was entertaining. Clint Eastwood would approve. I am fond of western flicks. Old saloons, anarchy, and good old showdowns. They truly are a treat. You captured the essence of it very well. However, some parts seemed rushed, especially about his tragic family death at the hands of the bandits. I'm not suggesting you tell us how they got slayed, but it is the motivation factor that turned such a pious man into the vengeful fighter he is "today". So it would be nice if you somehow unraveled certain plot elements further. In retrospect, this is an enjoyable piece. Thank you.

08-02-2014, 11:13 AM	#1
Richard Schwartz Member Join Date: Jul 2014 Posts: 65 Rep Power: 3707157	Vigilante Please feed my no-show verse from the Alias Tourney.. as this is a competition, I'd like to know where I stand with the public. I feed under my real username often, but can drop some links in here as Mr. Schwartz. Our vigilante lives in his shanty, sipping chianti Or a snifter of brandy, as he flips through Cervantes His pistol handy, it’s a dandy, and he’s sound on the draw If you dare provoke a man that isn’t bound by the law Counseled by God, dispatching of rustlers and thuggish creeps Then rides away on his trusty steed amongst the tumbleweeds Our vigilante once had a family, once a wife and a son Whom he raised on a plot of land he had rightfully won His tragedy came by banditry, at once swift but still wrathful They killed his kin and his cattle, left him adrift and in shambles Now he roams the restless ‘Handle, he won’t rest til they’re dead As he paints the West in red, in search of Texas revenge For those who crushed the gunsmith, their punishment cometh Torn asunder in the rumble of his thundering bullets See, his pistol is sinful, a fistful of artisanal nickel Ever-fitful, his foes left dismal in their swiftest dismissal Bitterness never fizzles, his heart steeled by their evils A man once calm and pious now unwieldy and lethal There’s no bravado in our desperado as he sips amontillado He drowns his sorrows, hollow with the thought of tomorrow His righteousness derelict, the Western air is but perilous Our vigilante, his love unheralded… but his gun barrel is

08-02-2014, 12:36 PM	#2
Zen Arm the Homeless Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 4,102 Battle Record: 22-24 Champed - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 35079722	Ooooh, I think I know who you is. For the post I'd say this was worded perfect except for the paints the West in red line. I felt like that rhyme came a little too soon and threw off the pacing a bit. This was cool though.

08-02-2014, 01:35 PM	#3
JESODIST Senior Member Join Date: Jul 2014 Posts: 309 Battle Record: 3-3 Rep Power: 976839	The rhyme scheme is consistent throughout the entire piece, Nice little story. he’s sound on the draw If you dare provoke a man that isn’t bound by the law Counseled by God,

08-06-2014, 12:37 AM	#4
Vulgar Razor-thin derision Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 4,422 Battle Record: 40-25 Accomplishments - OM HOF Champed - Fight Night LIV - Gimmick Battle League (2x) - Write Week II - Art of Writing League - Storytelling And Topical Invitational Tournament - STI - Haiku Writer Challenge - GWL Picture Challenge(2x) Rep Power: 49604320	Now he roams the restless ‘Handle, he won’t rest til they’re dead As he paints the West in red, in search of Texas revenge ^Tight. It wasn't the most thorough effort, Mr. Schwartz but it was solid writing. You seem like you have the instincts to be able to make a longer piece and really hammer home a memorable story. This one felt like more of a snippet or a synopsis - all verses are, really, compared to short stories, but that's what makes it an artful process. Keep doing you

08-06-2014, 01:52 AM	#5
UnbornBuddha Senior Member Join Date: Jul 2014 Posts: 1,008 Battle Record: 23-10 Champed - Art of Writing League - AOWL Season 5 Rep Power: 23856379	This was entertaining. Clint Eastwood would approve. I am fond of western flicks. Old saloons, anarchy, and good old showdowns. They truly are a treat. You captured the essence of it very well. However, some parts seemed rushed, especially about his tragic family death at the hands of the bandits. I'm not suggesting you tell us how they got slayed, but it is the motivation factor that turned such a pious man into the vengeful fighter he is "today". So it would be nice if you somehow unraveled certain plot elements further. In retrospect, this is an enjoyable piece. Thank you.