lost regrets

[gitto138]

Don't push me,
in the corners of the closet and close it,
im clostraphobic,
so the clothes that cost you a fortune
got exposed to the force of my exploding emotions,
atrocious ferocious devotion,
left me with a broken heart, a golden dart
focused on a frozen part so cold and sharp,
it left me hopeless "eroding" like corrosive components,
i have a book but its not open to condolences,
i shut it once, but its been open ever since,
hoping the commiseration gets some acknowledgment,
I remain overconfident tat the visit will commence,
and an audio apology from somebody or an audience
will be an astonishing accomplishment,
but honestly at the moment nobody's watching
or even noticed me droppin hints,
so it feels like im been punished for my cockiness as a consequence,
But all this talk of the apocalypse was obviously ment
to be a distraction for a constant battle with my lack in competence,
i feel like i need an ananesthesiologist to sedate me,
and help ease the thoughts of me taking all of the pills
that my neurologist gave me, and save me
from ever puttin Sue aside again cuz ,,,,, if any wanna wants t
Try finish this off in goin t bed its 03:20 zzzzz

[Scripter]

I like the approach and the speed. The beginning was tight with the timing. Keep writing!

"Don't push me,
in the corners of the closet and close it,
im clostraphobic,
so the clothes that cost you a fortune
got exposed to the force of my exploding emotions,
atrocious ferocious devotion,
left me with a broken heart, a golden dart
focused on a frozen part so cold and sharp,
it left me hopeless "eroding" like corrosive components,
i have a book but its not open to condolences,
hoping the commiseration gets some acknowledgment,"

[gitto138]

This must be shit NOFEED - POO

[Zen]

i have a book but its not open to condolences,
^^Best line from this.

Most of this it felt like you were trying to do too much. For example, "atrocious ferocious devotion". I see you like to rhyme allot, and everyone here will tell you I'm guilty of this too, but it's just TOO much, too soon and it made that line stick out in a bad way. The rest of the writing wasn't actually bad, but it wasn't particularly good either. None of these lines, except for the one I mentioned at the beginning felt like something special. That's not a negative critique (I guess technically it is) but try not to try too hard. Let the writing come naturally. What I took from this is you trying to force allot on us as the readers, and sometimes that works, but more times than not we see right through it. Still, this is just my opinion. Take it or leave it.

Btw, if you put 'tat', 'ment', or 't' in anything else, I'll never read any of your shit ever again. Peace.

[veritas]

but honestly at the moment nobody's watching
or even noticed me droppin hints,
so it feels like im been punished for my cockiness as a consequence,
But all this talk of the apocalypse was obviously ment
to be a distraction for a constant battle with my lack in competence,


this was pretty cool. some good insight.

[Kin]

Yea....best I seen from you by far....good structure...multiz..schemes an content was more creative then Ive seen from you...

Nice piece right here...

[UnbornBuddha]

This was a lovely little piece. Although it does seem like you rhymed for the sake of rhyming sometimes. I love rhyming too, but think of rhyming like a tool. Not every tools is required at every instant. There are different types of rhyming, some more subtle than others. Yours are more direct. Which is nice to those that like rhyming, but like a boxing match one wouldn't just throw uppercuts. One would use the other myriad ways to bring out the best effect. I realize this is just a small little piece, and its not meant to be your magnum opus. But sometimes this little pieces can have the most profound ability to catch the eye of the beholder, so to speak.

Anyways, keep writing my friend.

[Adverse]

It might have just been me but I felt like you were forcing a lot of the rhymes, I felt like some spots would've been better if you hadn't done that. It was still a good read though and you still had a dope flow fam. My favorite part was the first 10-12 lines. Keep writing though bro