Drippy Eye / perfect

[dead man]

drippy eye the sinusitis. here to synthesize a virus
psyche liquified at dinnertime we sit around the cyprus
minimize the window looking dignified, designer
and distinctive, middle-class, middle-child, via vagina
lemongrass, smoke your epitaph its time to decease
recline, release. sometimes it feels like being tied to a leash
21st century where rhymes are typist elite
and 20 bucks a month buys anyone a license to preach
still as muddy waters, feeling hype as a beast
yeah it might have been real. but maybe i've been asleep
indecisive delete. rewrite and polish and prime
nature-freak in leather loafers. metropolitan mindset
jenga topple refinement easily like comets and climate
the only option is climb when there's a mountain ahead
crawling out to the ledge. veins of riverbeds, firry her flesh
complexion like a crescent-moon wolves howl at instead
slanting couplets with a signature scent to follow in jest
i keep sriracha on my tacos and a lock on your neck.
i'm from where you never wanna be best. you're mocked for respect
we stare at heaven everyday but settle for less
darling, you're a mess. let's get you out of that dress
step out for a second. powder your nose. your powder is best
from ottoman to desk i'm Dr. common as dirt
give me shirts made of cotton and an office to work
there's honor in tradition and a calm in the current
any job done with dignity is totally worth it.
everybody's lovable regardless of their purchases
consider being anything at all. you're always perfect.





/

[UnbornBuddha]

This was very enjoyable. And I do enjoy you using botanical plants to illicit a certain reaction from the reader. You have very vivid imagery, as cliche as that statement probably is. Although it will be nice if you manipulated the verse to have a rising and a fall, to a climax. There seems to be no real climax that grapples the reader and throws them into the abyss of unknowing wondering the provenance of it all. I do believe your quite capable of doing so considering your talent, and imagination.

[DexLabb]

idk man, lately.. and this is from a topical perspective. there is no clear underlying thesis to your work. i mean, a thesis should be reverberating in the mind of the reader because it is such a wild and unexpected idea.. and i feel like this you are lacking lately due to a certain ambiguity. i would love to read a verse that challenges my core beliefs...

i get that you are injecting your lines with entertainment, and i'm glad to see that. but this creates the ambiguity if you aren't careful. i would suggest cementing your ideas by creating a solid storyline to back up the playful linguistics. i know these guys here won't exactly agree, but i could see you writing a book of hybrid poems. if James Franco can do it, im sure you can too

[dead man]

maybe the art of ambiguity is my central thesis?

[DexLabb]

people need something to hold onto... if you're going to reach out to a broader audience... which i think you should do... they need guidance, imo

[Certain]

drippy eye the sinusitis. here to synthesize a virus
psyche liquified at dinnertime we sit around the cyprus
minimize the window looking dignified, designer
and distinctive, middle-class, middle-child, via vagina
lemongrass, smoke your epitaph its time to decease
recline, release. sometimes it feels like being tied to a leash
21st century where rhymes are typist elite
and 20 bucks a month buys anyone a license to preach
still as muddy waters, feeling hype as a beast
yeah it might have been real. but maybe i've been asleep
indecisive delete. rewrite and polish and prime

You write so often about this little niche community we have. It's an interesting pattern to mix in with your real-world philosophying, but it's not often that you're as head-on as you are here. The parts that stood out here were the "middle-class, middle-child" and "20 bucks a month" and "yeah it might have bene real" lines. There's a lot to be said for what we're doing at these keyboards, and you don't seem as eager to judge the relevance as to study the patterns. I find it refreshing that you don't take a stand and have a driving thesis, not that you were going to let DexLabb influence you too much.

nature-freak in leather loafers. metropolitan mindset
jenga topple refinement easily like comets and climate
the only option is climb when there's a mountain ahead
crawling out to the ledge. veins of riverbeds, firry her flesh
complexion like a crescent-moon wolves howl at instead
slanting couplets with a signature scent to follow in jest
i keep sriracha on my tacos and a lock on your neck.

This little diversion into a werewolf girlfriend concept was interesting. I liked the metaphor of this uncontrolable beast that must be caged not being the writer himself but being the love of the writer's life. Female werewolves are so rare in literature because the werewolf was created to describe masculine urges. The Sriracha tacos line (by the way, quit bastardizing with your food fusion bullshit and put some Cholula on those tacos) was interesting and I think was a comment on trendiness and Internet culture. This one humor food blogger calls Sriracha "Internet paste" and probably is dead-on about that.

i'm from where you never wanna be best. you're mocked for respect
we stare at heaven everyday but settle for less
darling, you're a mess. let's get you out of that dress
step out for a second. powder your nose. your powder is best
from ottoman to desk i'm Dr. common as dirt
give me shirts made of cotton and an office to work
there's honor in tradition and a calm in the current
any job done with dignity is totally worth it.
everybody's lovable regardless of their purchases
consider being anything at all. you're always perfect.

I didn't care as much for this closer. It was about as happy and satisfied as I've ever seen you write, so that was a nice change of pace. But it wasn't as creative or pointed as the first two-thirds of the verse. The first two lines were good. But the transition to "darling" was a bit off and seemed to shift the piece in a more awkward way than the werewolf bridge. And the wording on the "any job done with dignity is totally worth it" line was sloppy. "Totally" doesn't fit the tone, even ironically.

I do think sometimes that your individual pieces could stick with images and concepts a little longer. While I like the removed and abstract observe thing you have going on, I wish that you focused that. But as a whole, everything you write is worth reading. There are always gems. This wasn't as quotable as some of your best work, but it was very good.

[dead man]

yaaa

[big baby]

dex gotta be pancake or someone trolling cause idk how u not that good and then critique ppl who have this skill lvl that u will never reach. critique is open to everybody, but you speak with such candor, its as if you actually apply half the things you think you thought you knew about when you critique, then you read your fake drake verses and fall asleep.

[DexLabb]

ur a little mistaken baby breh. black is the only writer on the internet that could beat me in a topical, thats why i respect him. why would i apply topical skills to my verses? i closed that chapter, i want to be successful. u cant apply topical theory to mainstream music. thats like trying to make the NFL with a bone marrow deficiency

[Paradigm]

21st century where rhymes are typist elite
and 20 bucks a month buys anyone a license to preach
still as muddy waters, feeling hype as a beast
yeah it might have been real. but maybe i've been asleep
indecisive delete. rewrite and polish and prime
nature-freak in leather loafers. metropolitan mindset

Dope.

i'm from where you never wanna be best. you're mocked for respect
we stare at heaven everyday but settle for less

Super Dope.

Respect. Quickly read it but those stood out.

[Vulgar]

Originally Posted by DexLabb

black is the only writer on the internet that could beat me in a topical, thats why i respect him.

lol

Your style here was fairly tantalizing for its patient instruction. You come at the reader with a common man's identity crossed with a dreamer's thoughts - it almost reminds me of an academic version of Atmosphere. The contents are accessible, the diction is advanced, the outcome is inconclusive yet pleasurable to peruse. And that's perfectly fine. Perfection is perceptive and our reality is only as good as our positive outlook - seems to be what this was about.

from ottoman to desk i'm Dr. common as dirt
give me shirts made of cotton and an office to work
^Groovy woodworks.

Keep doing your thing.