Valedictory Address

oats · 06-09-2013, 04:58 PM

I am
lauded for my accomplishments, praised by my peers
the life of every party, mind too late for my years
pillared by those who love me - grateful to tears
at the same time isolated, a slave to my fears
I turned down the dream job of that guy over there
as well as her top-choice school like, why don't you care
I am that "could've had it all" guy, the wouldn't pass the ball type
traded basketball hype for excessive alcohol nights
not even mad at y'all, I'm relaying what's real
wish for minutes standing tall for every day that I kneel
can never say what I feel beyond anonymous verses
cuz there's always insecurities, that gossipy person
that pause for concern, moments of cautious discernment
the fear of seeing what's outside these walls of modest internment
plus I'm constantly workin-
another haunted diversion.
too scared to answer if all of this is honestly worth it
karma is purchased - think about that
regardless of service
a wretched tithe to stretch the tide so rampant narcissist worship...
…will only partially surface.
are you nauseous or nervous?

here's what you didn't hear at your commencement arrangement
life's a series of disappointments, petty frustrations
regret in heavy rotation, go into debt for vacation
just to return to the routine of the same day-to-day shit
race for the pay it's, the only true achievable value
sawdust as solace for what they're speaking about you
only 25, I wonder if I'll have the feet to see round two
mad I have no path to walk - my student doesn't even know how to
cerebral palsy, too weak to talk or move independently
I feed, clean and toilet him, approve of him mentally
but it's he who attends to me...
see, I stumble through the sunlight, face all bent and wary
he tries his hardest, smiles so large like his condition's temporary
so for a couple hours I'll forget the truth that surrounds me
that I will never be as happy as the way he is around me

Coup · 06-09-2013, 05:36 PM

I loved how verse 2 supported and gave clarity and closer to the opening verse. One of the rare drops where I wanted to read more, perhaps a verse 3 to to update what happened after this 'coming of age' experience.

rhymes were good in areas, bland in others. All in all above the average imo, which comes nicely and fits comfortably in with the smoothy reflective tone of this piece.

good drop man, could have extended this further to much benefit. loved the contrasting and complimentary verses.

NYCSPITZ · 06-09-2013, 09:35 PM

That's some real shit to end with. Nice drop. I liked this part the best:

I am that "could've had it all" guy, the wouldn't pass the ball type
traded basketball hype for excessive alcohol nights
not even mad at y'all, I'm relaying what's real
wish for minutes standing tall for every day that I kneel
can never say what I feel beyond anonymous verses
cuz there's always insecurities, that gossipy person
that pause for concern, moments of cautious discernment
the fear of seeing what's outside these walls of modest internment
plus I'm constantly workin-
another haunted diversion.
too scared to answer if all of this is honestly worth it
karma is purchased - think about that
regardless of service
a wretched tithe to stretch the tide so rampant narcissist worship...
…will only partially surface.
are you nauseous or nervous?

^^^ That's hot fire like Dylan and I vibed by reflecting on my own personal experience here...somewhat similar to what you dropped. The way that portion ended was cool.

CopyPat · 06-10-2013, 12:14 AM

Really awesome man. Your pieces always come out so honest and real. I love that about them, it never feels forced or like your trying to be something your not. The emotion is never lacking in your pieces, and you seem to take rather mundane content and make it interesting with the skill of your writing/rhyming & opinions. Really dope combination to have. On the "stuff" aspect you had it all.. vocab, flow, complexity, some wordplay.. it's all there. Also just the right amount of lines to cover all the bases but not too stretched out to make it boring. Great piece man, looking forward to more

Geno · 06-10-2013, 07:12 PM

The shit leading up to this was cool..
I am that "could've had it all" guy, the wouldn't pass the ball type traded basketball hype for excessive alcohol nights not even mad at y'all, I'm relaying what's real wish for minutes standing tall for every day that I kneel

But the way you put that shit together right there wasnuts oaty. Sick drop man

YDK · 06-11-2013, 01:42 AM

Damn oatmeal this verse really touched me forreal. I got alot more in common with you than I realized. T best friends in a wheel chair an lost of brain function from a bad motor cycle wreck an now I see how much happier he is now compared to when he was "normal". I've always been ahead of my class intellectually but woulda rather do pills or smoke weed to be down on their level. This piece def spoke to me, the content was very heartfelt the flow was perfect and the wording was flawless. The first verse hit me personally and the second relayed from me to my friend and supported eachother verse wise just like me. And him do friendship wise. I loved this bro easily my favorite read from you, ever. Keep it up man

Lars · 06-11-2013, 09:24 AM

I dunno with Oats man, we're crew so I can't really tell him a wjhole lot about writing he doesn't already know or hasn't had me say before, you know?

I enjoy that sometimes he'll let the flow take hold of what he's saying, and will run with it, like the opening four lines here he probably just wrote up quickly and the rest flowed out of it, BUT, I hate when he does things like the "Why don't you care?" rhyme. It just seems really, really lazy to me. Maybe he keyed the line or wrote this up quickly, but the rest just seems so much more developed, more wordy, more polished, you guys dig me? Odd things like that annoy me, I'm a real perfectionist with the pen game, I hate seeing it, I wouldn't allow myself to do it, so I don't like reading it and I notice it more when reading things like this.

RANT OVER

"Could have had it all guy" line was beastly, loved the flow switch there, thought that I could easily quote that off bat.

Thought you over-complicated things towards the end, nauseous or nervous just seems a convoluted rhyme. No need for it.

Overall I enjoyed it though, don't get it twisted, keep that pen moving!

oats · 06-12-2013, 01:24 AM

Appreciate the criticism, Lars, I agree with what you're saying. Truthfully I haven't put any polish/time into rhymes for about a year, but it's good motivation to put forth some real effort for my next piece.

06-12-2013, 09:51 AM

dope drop oats...

read fluidly all the way thru
and had aspects of truth and insight wrappped within a dope lil story...
i enjoyed the read man.

i do agree with some of what Lars said, but some I don't ie i liked the nasseous/nervous gave u a feel of the character, plus the aliteration of the words worked nicely...but sometimes rhymes could b a tad bit polished...but like u said a bit of rust..i got the same thing going on.

06-09-2013, 04:58 PM	#1
oats Steel Cut Join Date: May 2013 Posts: 5,084 Battle Record: 19-10 Accomplishments - OM HOF (2x) Champed - Fight Night LXXXIV - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 79005428	Valedictory Address I am lauded for my accomplishments, praised by my peers the life of every party, mind too late for my years pillared by those who love me - grateful to tears at the same time isolated, a slave to my fears I turned down the dream job of that guy over there as well as her top-choice school like, why don't you care I am that "could've had it all" guy, the wouldn't pass the ball type traded basketball hype for excessive alcohol nights not even mad at y'all, I'm relaying what's real wish for minutes standing tall for every day that I kneel can never say what I feel beyond anonymous verses cuz there's always insecurities, that gossipy person that pause for concern, moments of cautious discernment the fear of seeing what's outside these walls of modest internment plus I'm constantly workin- another haunted diversion. too scared to answer if all of this is honestly worth it karma is purchased - think about that regardless of service a wretched tithe to stretch the tide so rampant narcissist worship... …will only partially surface. are you nauseous or nervous? here's what you didn't hear at your commencement arrangement life's a series of disappointments, petty frustrations regret in heavy rotation, go into debt for vacation just to return to the routine of the same day-to-day shit race for the pay it's, the only true achievable value sawdust as solace for what they're speaking about you only 25, I wonder if I'll have the feet to see round two mad I have no path to walk - my student doesn't even know how to cerebral palsy, too weak to talk or move independently I feed, clean and toilet him, approve of him mentally but it's he who attends to me... see, I stumble through the sunlight, face all bent and wary he tries his hardest, smiles so large like his condition's temporary so for a couple hours I'll forget the truth that surrounds me that I will never be as happy as the way he is around me

06-09-2013, 05:36 PM	#2
Coup Don't believe the hype Join Date: Feb 2013 Posts: 572 Battle Record: 4-5 Rep Power: 0	I loved how verse 2 supported and gave clarity and closer to the opening verse. One of the rare drops where I wanted to read more, perhaps a verse 3 to to update what happened after this 'coming of age' experience. rhymes were good in areas, bland in others. All in all above the average imo, which comes nicely and fits comfortably in with the smoothy reflective tone of this piece. good drop man, could have extended this further to much benefit. loved the contrasting and complimentary verses. __________________ What is public must be legit, fit for average consumption, don't forget. What is private is handled by pirates, prying loose profits from prosthetics. To tell the difference between: first remain unseen with a steady breath and hope, then listen to the cracks in the wall with a stethoscope.

06-10-2013, 07:12 PM	#5
Geno White Earl Join Date: Jan 2013 Location: Philly Cat. Posts: 12,354 Battle Record: 10-15 Accomplishments - Open Mic HOF (4x) Champed - Netcees Writers League - Write Week I - Write Week 8 Rep Power: 50036761	The shit leading up to this was cool.. I am that "could've had it all" guy, the wouldn't pass the ball type traded basketball hype for excessive alcohol nights not even mad at y'all, I'm relaying what's real wish for minutes standing tall for every day that I kneel But the way you put that shit together right there wasnuts oaty. Sick drop man __________________ *-A.bove T.he R.est*

06-11-2013, 01:42 AM	#6
YDK ghost in the matrix Join Date: Apr 2013 Location: Covington, KY Posts: 4,563 Battle Record: 14-25 Champed - Art of Writing League (x2) - Lime Green Poetry Association Rep Power: 8181113	Damn oatmeal this verse really touched me forreal. I got alot more in common with you than I realized. T best friends in a wheel chair an lost of brain function from a bad motor cycle wreck an now I see how much happier he is now compared to when he was "normal". I've always been ahead of my class intellectually but woulda rather do pills or smoke weed to be down on their level. This piece def spoke to me, the content was very heartfelt the flow was perfect and the wording was flawless. The first verse hit me personally and the second relayed from me to my friend and supported eachother verse wise just like me. And him do friendship wise. I loved this bro easily my favorite read from you, ever. Keep it up man __________________

06-11-2013, 09:24 AM	#7
Lars PROVEN BITER Join Date: Feb 2013 Location: Wolverhampton Posts: 1,588 Battle Record: 5-0 Champed - The Winter Topical Rep Power: 1809298	I dunno with Oats man, we're crew so I can't really tell him a wjhole lot about writing he doesn't already know or hasn't had me say before, you know? I enjoy that sometimes he'll let the flow take hold of what he's saying, and will run with it, like the opening four lines here he probably just wrote up quickly and the rest flowed out of it, BUT, I hate when he does things like the "Why don't you care?" rhyme. It just seems really, really lazy to me. Maybe he keyed the line or wrote this up quickly, but the rest just seems so much more developed, more wordy, more polished, you guys dig me? Odd things like that annoy me, I'm a real perfectionist with the pen game, I hate seeing it, I wouldn't allow myself to do it, so I don't like reading it and I notice it more when reading things like this. RANT OVER "Could have had it all guy" line was beastly, loved the flow switch there, thought that I could easily quote that off bat. Thought you over-complicated things towards the end, nauseous or nervous just seems a convoluted rhyme. No need for it. Overall I enjoyed it though, don't get it twisted, keep that pen moving! __________________ PROVEN BITER

06-09-2013, 09:35 PM	#3
NYCSPITZ SYRACUSE Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 4,031 Battle Record: 31-37 Champed - Write Night II - Alias Topical Tournament Rep Power: 4743547	That's some real shit to end with. Nice drop. I liked this part the best: I am that "could've had it all" guy, the wouldn't pass the ball type traded basketball hype for excessive alcohol nights not even mad at y'all, I'm relaying what's real wish for minutes standing tall for every day that I kneel can never say what I feel beyond anonymous verses cuz there's always insecurities, that gossipy person that pause for concern, moments of cautious discernment the fear of seeing what's outside these walls of modest internment plus I'm constantly workin- another haunted diversion. too scared to answer if all of this is honestly worth it karma is purchased - think about that regardless of service a wretched tithe to stretch the tide so rampant narcissist worship... …will only partially surface. are you nauseous or nervous? ^^^ That's hot fire like Dylan and I vibed by reflecting on my own personal experience here...somewhat similar to what you dropped. The way that portion ended was cool.

06-10-2013, 12:14 AM	#4
CopyPat Mic Check Join Date: Mar 2013 Location: Calgary Alberta Canada Posts: 708 Battle Record: 13-10 Rep Power: 3742225	Really awesome man. Your pieces always come out so honest and real. I love that about them, it never feels forced or like your trying to be something your not. The emotion is never lacking in your pieces, and you seem to take rather mundane content and make it interesting with the skill of your writing/rhyming & opinions. Really dope combination to have. On the "stuff" aspect you had it all.. vocab, flow, complexity, some wordplay.. it's all there. Also just the right amount of lines to cover all the bases but not too stretched out to make it boring. Great piece man, looking forward to more

06-12-2013, 01:24 AM	#8
oats Steel Cut Join Date: May 2013 Posts: 5,084 Battle Record: 19-10 Accomplishments - OM HOF (2x) Champed - Fight Night LXXXIV - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 79005428	Appreciate the criticism, Lars, I agree with what you're saying. Truthfully I haven't put any polish/time into rhymes for about a year, but it's good motivation to put forth some real effort for my next piece.

06-12-2013, 09:51 AM	#9
Rawn M.D. Guest Posts: n/a	dope drop oats... read fluidly all the way thru and had aspects of truth and insight wrappped within a dope lil story... i enjoyed the read man. i do agree with some of what Lars said, but some I don't ie i liked the nasseous/nervous gave u a feel of the character, plus the aliteration of the words worked nicely...but sometimes rhymes could b a tad bit polished...but like u said a bit of rust..i got the same thing going on. Last edited by Rawn M.D.; 06-12-2013 at 09:55 AM.