Week 10: 11. illergicreaxion (0-0) vs. 12. Frank (6-3) \\ Frank wins 5-1

Certain · 04-28-2014, 03:57 AM

Season 3

The Basics | Read the full rules here.

Verses are due Friday at 11:59 p.m. PT. THERE ARE NO EXTENSIONS.

Votes are due Sunday at 11:59 p.m. PT.

Verses may not exceed 48 lines or 650 words unless agreed upon by the opponent.

Voting on three battles is required. If you win and don't vote, you will receive a loss instead. If you lose and don't vote, you will receive a one-week suspension. Please post links to your three votes in this thread.

Topic

“All men having power ought to be distrusted to a certain degree.” — James Madison

Good luck, @illergicreaxion and @Frank.

illergicreaxion · 04-30-2014, 01:12 PM

He said he’d never hurt her… putting a scratch on women nah that’s forbidden…
She worshipped him… had envisioned graduation caps for children…
Never knew he had the knack for sinning… she was too enraptured wit him…
Now another jab taps her chin in… cuz she slacked on grabbing a pabst blue ribbon…

One brother – down on his luck – One Brother – surrounded by bucks…
First brother asks for some help… second brother frowns in disgust…
Could never imagine that a person born from the same stomach…
Would extend you an olive branch… just to watch you hang from it…

Best friend confides in him – thinks his wife is having affairs…
Unaware she’s having it there… hiding in the bathroom and bare…
While one’s giving him trust the other’s driven by lust…
Preying on the weakness of man… when morals wither to dust…

He was raised right… taught unity and respect at birth…
Ironically that all was gone when he was asked to protect and serve…
Cause now he’s running up in any minority or foreigner’s pads…
Simply because the city gave him a uniform and a badge…

Smiled at the cameras… preached vast visions of change…
And they ate every word of it up til the masses gave him the reins…
Then the game turns sinister… he burns every bridge in his range…
And every promise he made turns to ashes within the flames…

It’s all a fiction..
the scale ranges from small to big and we’re all afflicted…
Whether you’re living in a condition of squalor in the smallest prison..
Or a baller whippin or a politician or a khal of kingdoms…
Men all suffer from the same flaw… we’re all addicted…
Enchanted by the same elixir… we’re all a victim…
Alcohol addiction that’s not consumin livers but swallows vision…
Power trippin blindly heading for disaster like the apollo mission…
Debunked minds of Men got us drunk blind and got us wishin…
That we’d kept our morals by our side… said fuck the power… and gave it all to women.

Frank · 05-02-2014, 06:28 PM

The courtyard of the temple was over run with all the village's nuns
Who walked with white robes into the bright gold of the shimmering sun
Inside of the holy drapery, clothed in secrecy's cloak, sacredly stood the villain........Kung.
Hidden amongst the tranquility of innocent nuns, hid this malicious, sinister scum,
Who, moved gingerly amongst the benevolent bunch, undetected in the slums.
A notorious killer who crossed over the forested river and over the bridge with a grudge
A sack of gold had been thrown at the toes for the hit against the princely beloved.
A young man named Chen Chung, A prominent figure: a fishermen's son
The mother, the Queen of the Shaolin Empire, he, the offspring of illegitimate cum
The legend has it... Chung's father had stolen her heart, with a fish called a Kisser,
A plump, silvery fish with whiskers, and flesh pink as her clitoris nub
Smitten, she was; as she invited the charming fisherman over for a civilian lunch...
She watched as he skinned the fish and trimmed its guts, and got wet just like his slippery gilly touch.
The King had been out hunting for pigs with muskets in the country side itching for blood
His trigger finger blistering numb, just like his dick, prickly and glum
His Queen hadn't been fucked since they begun their reign over the millions and she was dripping for some
Chung took a whiff of the mountainous air, crisp with the scent of rich cunt
His quick wit and swift tongue, opened her up to his insistent "fun"
She blushed a crimson blush and he brushed the hair out of her eyes - slits of love
Her eyes dimmed and twitched with every promiscuous thrust
She submitted and clung to the fisherman who made love like rocking a boat, flipping her butt,
And giving her stuck up every inch until she flickered and shuttered, and told him he was forbidden and shunned...

His coin plunged into her wishing well and sunk to the bottom with a fitting plunk.
He jumped out of the window as the King pounded on the door like militant drums
The door swung open and the whole room was squishy and stunk, as he sniffed what she'd done in his unrestricted lungs.
His purple heart was smashed like squishing a plum.
As Chung slipped into the riverbed's mist with his pole, line whipping and flung.
The scandal would tear apart the Kung's - they would split the Kingdom
9 months later a baby boy would drift down the river and be fished by Chung.
He raised the boy like his own, teaching him stuff, how to fish: how to fight without fist to cuffs

A tripping nun had caused a commotion in the courtyard for taking a sip of rum...
The other Nuns surrounded her, as he threw the veil over his face, gripping the snub
Kung threw off his veil and his pistol busted, as the Kid would run and flying kick the thug

Chung could hear the Malay from the village and would scramble out of his gritty bunk

The prince would split his lip with a twisting punch and hip toss the wicked nun

Spitting blood, Kung rose to his feet dizzy and stunned and the Kid swiftly flipped him into dung.

Wincing with liquid gums, Kung rose again and saw the fisherman Chung........
His broken wrist reached into his bloody robe and the kid lunged
But the bullet hissed and rung as it ripped through Chung from his pinching thumb.

Kung had tricked the village... if you weren't tricked you were strung
Out on opium when the rhythm of bullets grittily sung...
King Kung never forgot the day the Fisherman Chung had his Queen giddily sprung
He was pissed off, deeply afflicted, in stitches and splints - before the kid beat the shit out a nun

Revenge is a dish, best served cold, and as a dinner for one

Those who live by the sword, get shot by those who live by the gun

"愛情就像著火了友誼。在一開始的火焰，非常漂亮，經常燙和激烈，但仍然只有光線和閃爍。作為愛長大，我們心裡的成熟，我們的愛變成如煤，深燃和難以抑制的。

Perpendicular · 05-02-2014, 09:59 PM

Illergicreaxion: I have some issues with this verse. The characters that you created, because they were glimpses of characters, were very irrelevant to me as the reader. I understood that coming into the second or third stanza, so I expected a big finish. I never got a big finish. I got what I had already assumed this verse was about from the beginning. There were a lot of shining moments: little glitz’ of strong verse ideas that were crushed by the shortness of their surrounding atmosphere.
Frank: Clitoris nub. Lol.This was a pain to read. The flow of the story was almost tedious to follow and the broken scheme was annoying. The story “overdid” the topic because I think it far exceeds the phrase “certain degree,” but it is still valid and a more rounded story than your opponents.
Vote: Frank

Just Write · 05-03-2014, 01:36 AM

Illergic, this could have been great. I really thought there were a lot of shining moment in this but I dont feel you finished it out with the impact you could have had. I mean it was just a bland ending, when I read something I want to ve like "damn" or "wow" at the end. This one I was more like, "huh..ok." don't get me wrong, it was a well written piece, I just don't think it was enough to beat frank.

Frank, dude the same scheme shit all the way through is so fuckin monotonous and annoying. As for the story itself it was cool, a lot more descriptive than your opponents and despite what I said about the rhyme scheme annoyance it was entertaining, I did chuckle at a few parts. Clitoris nub, illegitimate cum ect.. so props tmmore making it a humorous and fun read.

Mvgt=frank

Split · 05-03-2014, 08:38 PM

illergic had a cool angle, but was very scattered. didn't name his characters typa shit. sweet rhymes. some standout lines, khal of kingdoms. didnt end super strong, too many ideas tossed around and didnt focus very well on the main character i guess

frank had tiresome rhyming but good use of language. way more detail. more quotes i could pull. "before the kid beat the shit out of a nun" idk what you mean. it was alright.

both carried the topic the same distance conceptually.

V/ Frank for enjoyment and precision

Adonis · 05-04-2014, 11:42 PM

Ill - First off, I both hate and love the name. Anyways, I enjoyed this. It had more of that hip-hop feel that is vastly over-looked and under-done in this league. I enjoyed some of the playful wording or phrasing..."Extended Olive Branch" there were a few more I won't quote. I enjoyed this in its entirety, but I will say at the start of the final stanza you came off as a bit preachy as well as slipped a bit in flow, but again, given the content and direction being preachy is inevitable so I can't fault you MUCH for that. Another thing I liked were the fragmented characters. A drunk abusive relationship, a Dirty Pig etc. This kept me intrigued because you could go around the world in a few short stanzas. Overall, good shit.

Franker - All over the place...Or in the same spot too long? You used a few different words as rhymes multiple times which is not good. You used names so often, which shouldn't be bad, but I did not enjoy it. The imagery was all over. I mean you started in ancient times with the lady's family, then started talking about guns. Who gets seduced by a fish? Too many questions for me.

V/ Illergicrexion

To me Frank was just too scatter brain and jumped around while not having things add up. Ill had the better written verse this week.

e11even · 05-05-2014, 02:52 AM

Illergic- it took me a second to see what you did there lol. Abusive men, brothers that are financially spectral opposites, crooked cops, the failed president... This was cool. I was hoping for a more specific idea throughout, but I liked your approach. To me it was a little new, format-wise. Solid rhyme structure, didn't come off gaudy, but I think that cliche finishing stanza could have been delivered in a more refreshing way. Something out of the box. Overall cool piece tho.

Frank- i'm glad I didn't go against this verse. Holy shit. I didn't like the guns in this story because I didn't feel they matched the setting, but that was seriously my only gripe. This is probably the most solid rhyme scheme I've seen this week. The whole beginning had me in stitches. How the fuck you gonna write a harlequin novel topical? Well obviously you did it. And you did it well.

MVGT Frank for a hands down killer verse.

Certain · 05-05-2014, 03:00 AM

illergicreaxion: The vignettes were great. The conclusion was not. You showed a real spark for language and rhyming with this verse, but you let yourself down by not pulling all your thoughts together into a powerful final stanza. That final stanza seemed to be as loose and disconnected as those vignettes, and the wording never approached anything memorable.

Frank: The obsession with one rhyme thing actually kind of worked for me here, much more than it did in the similarly over-rhyming verse against Nigma in The Winter Topical. I think the biggest reason for that is because I found this verse much funnier than that one. The sex descriptions were so far over the top that the phrasing had me smiling, albeit never really laughing. The ending was similarly ridiculous. This was such a weird story that it worked, and the way you used the double-entendre for the last line was clever. You know exactly how much you need to put in to every verse to win, particularly when an opponent drops early, and you did more than enough here while also taking time to experiment.

Vote: Frank

04-28-2014, 03:57 AM	#1
Certain Mad fucking dangerous. Join Date: Jul 2013 Posts: 12,066 Battle Record: 40-19 Champed - AOWL Season 3 - Art of Writing League (2x) Rep Power: 85899406	Week 10: 11. illergicreaxion (0-0) vs. 12. Frank (6-3) \\ Frank wins 5-1 Season 3 The Basics \| Read the full rules here. Verses are due Friday at 11:59 p.m. PT. THERE ARE NO EXTENSIONS. Votes are due Sunday at 11:59 p.m. PT. Verses may not exceed 48 lines or 650 words unless agreed upon by the opponent. Voting on three battles is required. If you win and don't vote, you will receive a loss instead. If you lose and don't vote, you will receive a one-week suspension. Please post links to your three votes in this thread. Topic “All men having power ought to be distrusted to a certain degree.” — James Madison Good luck, @illergicreaxion and @Frank. __________________ I'm just swinging swords strictly based on keyboards, unbalanced like elephants and ants on seesaws.

04-30-2014, 01:12 PM	#2
illergicreaxion Member Join Date: Apr 2014 Posts: 44 Battle Record: 0-4 Rep Power: 0	He said he’d never hurt her… putting a scratch on women nah that’s forbidden… She worshipped him… had envisioned graduation caps for children… Never knew he had the knack for sinning… she was too enraptured wit him… Now another jab taps her chin in… cuz she slacked on grabbing a pabst blue ribbon… One brother – down on his luck – One Brother – surrounded by bucks… First brother asks for some help… second brother frowns in disgust… Could never imagine that a person born from the same stomach… Would extend you an olive branch… just to watch you hang from it… Best friend confides in him – thinks his wife is having affairs… Unaware she’s having it there… hiding in the bathroom and bare… While one’s giving him trust the other’s driven by lust… Preying on the weakness of man… when morals wither to dust… He was raised right… taught unity and respect at birth… Ironically that all was gone when he was asked to protect and serve… Cause now he’s running up in any minority or foreigner’s pads… Simply because the city gave him a uniform and a badge… Smiled at the cameras… preached vast visions of change… And they ate every word of it up til the masses gave him the reins… Then the game turns sinister… he burns every bridge in his range… And every promise he made turns to ashes within the flames… It’s all a fiction.. the scale ranges from small to big and we’re all afflicted… Whether you’re living in a condition of squalor in the smallest prison.. Or a baller whippin or a politician or a khal of kingdoms… Men all suffer from the same flaw… we’re all addicted… Enchanted by the same elixir… we’re all a victim… Alcohol addiction that’s not consumin livers but swallows vision… Power trippin blindly heading for disaster like the apollo mission… Debunked minds of Men got us drunk blind and got us wishin… That we’d kept our morals by our side… said fuck the power… and gave it all to women. Last edited by illergicreaxion; 04-30-2014 at 04:47 PM.

05-02-2014, 06:28 PM	#3
Frank Senior Member Join Date: Oct 2001 Posts: 3,228 Champed - NWL Season 2 - Art of Writing League (5x) - Lime Green Poetry Association - AOWL Season 6 - AOWL Season 10 Rep Power: 3853347	The courtyard of the temple was over run with all the village's nuns Who walked with white robes into the bright gold of the shimmering sun Inside of the holy drapery, clothed in secrecy's cloak, sacredly stood the villain........Kung. Hidden amongst the tranquility of innocent nuns, hid this malicious, sinister scum, Who, moved gingerly amongst the benevolent bunch, undetected in the slums. A notorious killer who crossed over the forested river and over the bridge with a grudge A sack of gold had been thrown at the toes for the hit against the princely beloved. A young man named Chen Chung, A prominent figure: a fishermen's son The mother, the Queen of the Shaolin Empire, he, the offspring of illegitimate cum The legend has it... Chung's father had stolen her heart, with a fish called a Kisser, A plump, silvery fish with whiskers, and flesh pink as her clitoris nub Smitten, she was; as she invited the charming fisherman over for a civilian lunch... She watched as he skinned the fish and trimmed its guts, and got wet just like his slippery gilly touch. The King had been out hunting for pigs with muskets in the country side itching for blood His trigger finger blistering numb, just like his dick, prickly and glum His Queen hadn't been fucked since they begun their reign over the millions and she was dripping for some Chung took a whiff of the mountainous air, crisp with the scent of rich cunt His quick wit and swift tongue, opened her up to his insistent "fun" She blushed a crimson blush and he brushed the hair out of her eyes - slits of love Her eyes dimmed and twitched with every promiscuous thrust She submitted and clung to the fisherman who made love like rocking a boat, flipping her butt, And giving her stuck up every inch until she flickered and shuttered, and told him he was forbidden and shunned... His coin plunged into her wishing well and sunk to the bottom with a fitting plunk. He jumped out of the window as the King pounded on the door like militant drums The door swung open and the whole room was squishy and stunk, as he sniffed what she'd done in his unrestricted lungs. His purple heart was smashed like squishing a plum. As Chung slipped into the riverbed's mist with his pole, line whipping and flung. The scandal would tear apart the Kung's - they would split the Kingdom 9 months later a baby boy would drift down the river and be fished by Chung. He raised the boy like his own, teaching him stuff, how to fish: how to fight without fist to cuffs A tripping nun had caused a commotion in the courtyard for taking a sip of rum... The other Nuns surrounded her, as he threw the veil over his face, gripping the snub Kung threw off his veil and his pistol busted, as the Kid would run and flying kick the thug Chung could hear the Malay from the village and would scramble out of his gritty bunk The prince would split his lip with a twisting punch and hip toss the wicked nun Spitting blood, Kung rose to his feet dizzy and stunned and the Kid swiftly flipped him into dung. Wincing with liquid gums, Kung rose again and saw the fisherman Chung........ His broken wrist reached into his bloody robe and the kid lunged But the bullet hissed and rung as it ripped through Chung from his pinching thumb. Kung had tricked the village... if you weren't tricked you were strung Out on opium when the rhythm of bullets grittily sung... King Kung never forgot the day the Fisherman Chung had his Queen giddily sprung He was pissed off, deeply afflicted, in stitches and splints - before the kid beat the shit out a nun Revenge is a dish, best served cold, and as a dinner for one Those who live by the sword, get shot by those who live by the gun "愛情就像著火了友誼。在一開始的火焰，非常漂亮，經常燙和激烈，但仍然只有光線和閃爍。作為愛長大，我們心裡的成熟，我們的愛變成如煤，深燃和難以抑制的。 __________________ *VETWORK* Last edited by Frank; 05-02-2014 at 09:08 PM.

05-03-2014, 08:38 PM	#6
Split . Join Date: Aug 2013 Posts: 8,898 Battle Record: 27-22 Rep Power: 85899398	illergic had a cool angle, but was very scattered. didn't name his characters typa shit. sweet rhymes. some standout lines, khal of kingdoms. didnt end super strong, too many ideas tossed around and didnt focus very well on the main character i guess frank had tiresome rhyming but good use of language. way more detail. more quotes i could pull. "before the kid beat the shit out of a nun" idk what you mean. it was alright. both carried the topic the same distance conceptually. V/ Frank for enjoyment and precision __________________ http://split8.yolasite.com

05-04-2014, 11:42 PM	#7
Adonis Tsk Tsk Join Date: Feb 2013 Location: Beer Goggles Posts: 4,834 Battle Record: 36-34 Champed - Lime Green Poetry Association - NFL Pick'em 2016-17 Rep Power: 9946449	Ill - First off, I both hate and love the name. Anyways, I enjoyed this. It had more of that hip-hop feel that is vastly over-looked and under-done in this league. I enjoyed some of the playful wording or phrasing..."Extended Olive Branch" there were a few more I won't quote. I enjoyed this in its entirety, but I will say at the start of the final stanza you came off as a bit preachy as well as slipped a bit in flow, but again, given the content and direction being preachy is inevitable so I can't fault you MUCH for that. Another thing I liked were the fragmented characters. A drunk abusive relationship, a Dirty Pig etc. This kept me intrigued because you could go around the world in a few short stanzas. Overall, good shit. Franker - All over the place...Or in the same spot too long? You used a few different words as rhymes multiple times which is not good. You used names so often, which shouldn't be bad, but I did not enjoy it. The imagery was all over. I mean you started in ancient times with the lady's family, then started talking about guns. Who gets seduced by a fish? Too many questions for me. V/ Illergicrexion To me Frank was just too scatter brain and jumped around while not having things add up. Ill had the better written verse this week. __________________ I'm tryna fuck like A-don-is TUPAC SHAKUR

05-02-2014, 09:59 PM	#4
Perpendicular Running Right Through You Join Date: Apr 2014 Posts: 31 Battle Record: 1-3 Rep Power: 9650	Illergicreaxion: I have some issues with this verse. The characters that you created, because they were glimpses of characters, were very irrelevant to me as the reader. I understood that coming into the second or third stanza, so I expected a big finish. I never got a big finish. I got what I had already assumed this verse was about from the beginning. There were a lot of shining moments: little glitz’ of strong verse ideas that were crushed by the shortness of their surrounding atmosphere. Frank: Clitoris nub. Lol.This was a pain to read. The flow of the story was almost tedious to follow and the broken scheme was annoying. The story “overdid” the topic because I think it far exceeds the phrase “certain degree,” but it is still valid and a more rounded story than your opponents. Vote: Frank

05-03-2014, 01:36 AM	#5
Just Write Senior Member Join Date: Mar 2013 Posts: 1,709 Battle Record: 9-12 Rep Power: 4997617	Illergic, this could have been great. I really thought there were a lot of shining moment in this but I dont feel you finished it out with the impact you could have had. I mean it was just a bland ending, when I read something I want to ve like "damn" or "wow" at the end. This one I was more like, "huh..ok." don't get me wrong, it was a well written piece, I just don't think it was enough to beat frank. Frank, dude the same scheme shit all the way through is so fuckin monotonous and annoying. As for the story itself it was cool, a lot more descriptive than your opponents and despite what I said about the rhyme scheme annoyance it was entertaining, I did chuckle at a few parts. Clitoris nub, illegitimate cum ect.. so props tmmore making it a humorous and fun read. Mvgt=frank

05-05-2014, 02:52 AM	#8
e11even V.V Join Date: Sep 2013 Location: . Posts: 2,076 Battle Record: 31-20 Rep Power: 6247259	Illergic- it took me a second to see what you did there lol. Abusive men, brothers that are financially spectral opposites, crooked cops, the failed president... This was cool. I was hoping for a more specific idea throughout, but I liked your approach. To me it was a little new, format-wise. Solid rhyme structure, didn't come off gaudy, but I think that cliche finishing stanza could have been delivered in a more refreshing way. Something out of the box. Overall cool piece tho. Frank- i'm glad I didn't go against this verse. Holy shit. I didn't like the guns in this story because I didn't feel they matched the setting, but that was seriously my only gripe. This is probably the most solid rhyme scheme I've seen this week. The whole beginning had me in stitches. How the fuck you gonna write a harlequin novel topical? Well obviously you did it. And you did it well. MVGT Frank for a hands down killer verse. __________________ Ahem.

05-05-2014, 03:00 AM	#9
Certain Mad fucking dangerous. Join Date: Jul 2013 Posts: 12,066 Battle Record: 40-19 Champed - AOWL Season 3 - Art of Writing League (2x) Rep Power: 85899406	illergicreaxion: The vignettes were great. The conclusion was not. You showed a real spark for language and rhyming with this verse, but you let yourself down by not pulling all your thoughts together into a powerful final stanza. That final stanza seemed to be as loose and disconnected as those vignettes, and the wording never approached anything memorable. Frank: The obsession with one rhyme thing actually kind of worked for me here, much more than it did in the similarly over-rhyming verse against Nigma in The Winter Topical. I think the biggest reason for that is because I found this verse much funnier than that one. The sex descriptions were so far over the top that the phrasing had me smiling, albeit never really laughing. The ending was similarly ridiculous. This was such a weird story that it worked, and the way you used the double-entendre for the last line was clever. You know exactly how much you need to put in to every verse to win, particularly when an opponent drops early, and you did more than enough here while also taking time to experiment. Vote: Frank __________________ I'm just swinging swords strictly based on keyboards, unbalanced like elephants and ants on seesaws.