[Might use this in a battle] Critique?

Aqwafina · 04-20-2014, 01:21 PM

I make a living off serving cats in murderous raps/
My mouth twitches in a nervous act and most spitters leave without their nerves intact/
Infact my trigger fingers been itchy, I've been scratchin like a smack fiend/
I was with your chick last night, but you won't know if the top dropped like inceptions last scene/
She said it's ironic how your jealous, but ain't ever gettin' green/
Let's be honest dawgs, these cats are in what pedigree?/
My squad will monitor you, that means with gats they leave flats screened/flatscreen just for an L, see these?/LCD
Fuck it, dissing me and you're acting sac religious, that's a dick that follows a path of fiction/
If what your selling is realness then that's bad for business, I'm as dope as Whitney Houston's past affliction with crack addiction/
Don't have to act hard, travel in fast cars, or have bad credit and maxed cards/
I'll just say you push too much weight you must slim/Muslim down or crash hard/
might find where the plain/plane terror is/Terrorist, to win tower/Twin Tower and blow up now that's an alluhakBAR!/

Witty · 04-20-2014, 02:19 PM

First of all, explaining your lines will win you no fans around these here parts, it comes across as amatuerish...it should be worded in such a way that we just get it, without the explanation. This was a cool enough little flex, nothing really outstanding, some cliche lines and forced rhymes but you have the right idea. I'm guessing you don't know your opponent? just saying because there don't seem to be many personal shots, just generic insults, which will only get you so far. You have potential certainly as far as rhyming and flow go, but you need to work on more complex ideas and don't resort so quickly to cliche. Keep working at it though, and you could be pretty dope.

Get at my piece below this if you can please dude.

Certain · 04-20-2014, 02:50 PM

None of this has anything to do with your opponent.

Aqwafina · 04-20-2014, 03:18 PM

I thought I might put the explanation next to it just because I have before, not to insult anyone's intelligence. As for your piece, Witty, I really liked it. I think you're very creative, definitely more tempered with words than I am so I have a really hard time giving critique to your written.

I'm also not sure, but I think an admin tagged my material bellow with "wack bullshit stfu faggot". It they did, that's pretty disappointing.

Mitch · 04-20-2014, 10:43 PM

pretty good, nice wordplay schemes, the last one didn't feel right, but the flatscreen lcd was really nice. these guys dont know shit about wordplay styles, post this on letsbeef for real feedback lol

Ghost1 · 04-20-2014, 10:57 PM

Lol.

AYO tho

That don't kno if the top dropped like inception last scene could've been sooooo sick if you did it r8ght....concept is still fire tho

That lcd shit was forced as fuck tho lol....same with that awful 9/11 closer...jesus.

Ur wordplay is horribly forced. Stick with slick ideas and concepts.....less with the wordplays...unless ur gonna do em r8ght

Ghost1 · 04-20-2014, 10:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Aqwafina

I thought I might put the explanation next to it just because I have before, not to insult anyone's intelligence. As for your piece, Witty, I really liked it. I think you're very creative, definitely more tempered with words than I am so I have a really hard time giving critique to your written.

I'm also not sure, but I think an admin tagged my material bellow with "wack bullshit stfu faggot". It they did, that's pretty disappointing.

LMAO

Any member can tag....FYI

Unlikely that an admin did that ....tho its possible lol

Sharp · 04-21-2014, 12:07 AM

destroyed @ allahu ackBARZ

Wise Wiggles · 04-21-2014, 12:36 AM

I actually performed the "wack bullshit stfu faggot" surgery. It was extremely tedious, unfortunately. It was intense. Very fucking delicate, if I do say so myself. Yet it was much needed. And yes. If I could do things over again. I wouldn't change a thing. I'd do it again! I would do what was needed of me. There are forces at work here. Forces beyond the realm of thought. I'm just glad it was a success. :)

Miss Sparkles · 04-21-2014, 01:31 PM

To be honest be honest I thought u should spend more time on this, you need more flow, creative, complexity, Punchlines, enjoyment, & Mulites. work on those you'll be the best text head.

8/10

04-20-2014, 01:21 PM	#1
Aqwafina Dravens Armpit Join Date: Apr 2014 Location: In ya window Posts: 2 Rep Power: 0	[Might use this in a battle] Critique? I make a living off serving cats in murderous raps/ My mouth twitches in a nervous act and most spitters leave without their nerves intact/ Infact my trigger fingers been itchy, I've been scratchin like a smack fiend/ I was with your chick last night, but you won't know if the top dropped like inceptions last scene/ She said it's ironic how your jealous, but ain't ever gettin' green/ Let's be honest dawgs, these cats are in what pedigree?/ My squad will monitor you, that means with gats they leave flats screened/flatscreen just for an L, see these?/LCD Fuck it, dissing me and you're acting sac religious, that's a dick that follows a path of fiction/ If what your selling is realness then that's bad for business, I'm as dope as Whitney Houston's past affliction with crack addiction/ Don't have to act hard, travel in fast cars, or have bad credit and maxed cards/ I'll just say you push too much weight you must slim/Muslim down or crash hard/ might find where the plain/plane terror is/Terrorist, to win tower/Twin Tower and blow up now that's an alluhakBAR!/

04-20-2014, 02:19 PM	#2
Witty Lime Life Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 16,978 Battle Record: 30-41 Accomplishments - Only Slightly Retarded Champed - Lyric Olympics - Summer Classic Rep Power: 85235118	First of all, explaining your lines will win you no fans around these here parts, it comes across as amatuerish...it should be worded in such a way that we just get it, without the explanation. This was a cool enough little flex, nothing really outstanding, some cliche lines and forced rhymes but you have the right idea. I'm guessing you don't know your opponent? just saying because there don't seem to be many personal shots, just generic insults, which will only get you so far. You have potential certainly as far as rhyming and flow go, but you need to work on more complex ideas and don't resort so quickly to cliche. Keep working at it though, and you could be pretty dope. Get at my piece below this if you can please dude. __________________ He listens to voices inside of his mind Explicit and poisonous violent crime.

04-20-2014, 02:50 PM	#3
Certain Mad fucking dangerous. Join Date: Jul 2013 Posts: 12,066 Battle Record: 40-19 Champed - AOWL Season 3 - Art of Writing League (2x) Rep Power: 85899406	None of this has anything to do with your opponent. __________________ I'm just swinging swords strictly based on keyboards, unbalanced like elephants and ants on seesaws.

04-20-2014, 03:18 PM	#4
Aqwafina Dravens Armpit Join Date: Apr 2014 Location: In ya window Posts: 2 Rep Power: 0	I thought I might put the explanation next to it just because I have before, not to insult anyone's intelligence. As for your piece, Witty, I really liked it. I think you're very creative, definitely more tempered with words than I am so I have a really hard time giving critique to your written. I'm also not sure, but I think an admin tagged my material bellow with "wack bullshit stfu faggot". It they did, that's pretty disappointing. Last edited by Aqwafina; 04-20-2014 at 03:20 PM.

04-20-2014, 10:43 PM	#5
Mitch Senior Member Join Date: Aug 2013 Location: Canada Posts: 160 Rep Power: 2208351	pretty good, nice wordplay schemes, the last one didn't feel right, but the flatscreen lcd was really nice. these guys dont know shit about wordplay styles, post this on letsbeef for real feedback lol __________________ Soundcloud.com/TheDirtySerpent

04-21-2014, 12:36 AM	#9
Wise Wiggles nok Su kow Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 4,505 Battle Record: 1-1 Rep Power: 51788022	I actually performed the "wack bullshit stfu faggot" surgery. It was extremely tedious, unfortunately. It was intense. Very fucking delicate, if I do say so myself. Yet it was much needed. And yes. If I could do things over again. I wouldn't change a thing. I'd do it again! I would do what was needed of me. There are forces at work here. Forces beyond the realm of thought. I'm just glad it was a success. :) __________________ "black as midnight..black as pitch blacker than the soul of the foulest witch"

04-21-2014, 01:31 PM	#10
Miss Sparkles Junior Member Join Date: Mar 2014 Posts: 20 Rep Power: 0	To be honest be honest I thought u should spend more time on this, you need more flow, creative, complexity, Punchlines, enjoyment, & Mulites. work on those you'll be the best text head. 8/10