Week 4: King Ra. (1-2) vs. Mr. J (0-1) \\ King Ra. wins 5-0

Certain · 03-17-2014, 06:13 AM

Season 3

The Basics | Read the full rules here.

Verses are due Friday at 11:59 p.m. PT. THERE ARE NO EXTENSIONS.

Votes are due Sunday at 11:59 p.m. PT.

Verses may not exceed 48 lines or 650 words unless agreed upon by the opponent.

Voting on three battles is required. If you win and don't vote, you will receive a loss instead. If you lose and don't vote, you will receive a one-week suspension. Please post links to your three votes in this thread.

Topic

Good luck, @Mr. J and @King Ra.

Mr. J · 03-21-2014, 08:36 PM

Should I preach to a higher power, confess that I am devoured
I am diminished, caught in the eye of the storm and I am a flower...
it's poetic, it's copacetic, at the end of the day I feel so pathetic
no direction...the cost of it all is like the use of any known prosthetic
I got second place in the employee of the month award
but with the hours I get there isn't much reward...
there's so much remorse..I feel distant from myself again
there isn't much help when your the one helpin' them...
selfish and..depressed from the hours I'm spending..
putting all the work in that helps power the engine...
pounding my head in, I can't think without the sweatin'
another call from a collector I forgot about forgettin'...
Hello? Yea I know the issue, I don't need the calls you give too...
I'm bound to forgive you, but fuck you for the harassment you bitch you...
you snitch you, tell your supervisor I had to vent with you...
but there's another bill to the list no matter how big or how little
always making me, burn my cash, just know what I earn didn't last
what I take from the government I'm immediately giving back...
household utilities, with the household amenities
different name, different address, can't control the spendin' sprees...
another letter followin' me from the last place
second place still got me feeling like I'm in last place...
that's great....but I'm here still doing what I do nigga...
cause I don't got the patience to sit through interviews nigga...
powering the machine, burning paper like a motherfuckin' german
only because I got a son to feed knowing he's my fuckin' purpose
yea I fumbled the last lines
but I ain't no-showing like last time

:)

King Ra. · 03-22-2014, 02:59 AM

"More dammit, more...."
The heat was intense.
Dark smoke rose.
Sweat streamed off his chin
as the fire danced over the hot coal.
"Dollars & cents...."
Such change to make ones heart stop, cold.
".... over my dead body."
A statement to add to the suspense
of his malicious intent.
"Everything burns...."
Certainly so, he continued feeding the flames.
He'd imagine each president suffering,
while screaming their names.
Paused for a bit, wiped his face & let off a sinister laugh,
because the dead presidents never had nothing to say.
"Oh George! Hello there! Thanks for nothing you prick!
Tell Abraham that he was nuts & Benjamin's sick!"
After a moment of silence, he snorted,
"I hope you all burn for this shit."
Stared at the fire, went back to shoveling
& said nothing since.
.
.
.
.
.
Those flames were glorious.
"Who feeds this beast of a system?
Who wisely selected it's victims?
Whom sets the fire is fearsome,
the one who puts an end to all income.
You all bleed from this syndrome,
with your consumerist habits.
You all feeding the symptoms,
you consumerist faggots."
The announcement echoed throughout the streets
without a moments hesitation.
The listeners stood with a look of shock on their faces.
"America will fall, but will try to survive.
Because the ones ruling over you just won't let it die.
They will fight & so will you,
it's a matter of life....
& death- whichever you choose.
Perhaps you'll surrender more of your rights
to those faggots delight.
Just remember this:
the coming days could be as dark as the night.
But the light will shine once again,
because we all have the power.
So let's take it all back-
what once was ours."
.
.
.
.
.
An explosion ensued.
The people turned and looked towards the horizon.
The Statue of Liberty fell,
followed by a solemn moment of silence.

zygote · 03-22-2014, 05:13 AM

Enjoyed this contest. Mr. J had a good ending with the self-referential quality. The ending had some self-depreciation humor which was executed well. Conversational tone also meshes well with the overall approach. Good train of thought writing, but the rhyming was a little repetitive in places. Contrast it with King Ra's who mixed up the style of writing quite a bit between the different sections. The second half beginning with the dialogue was just great. The characterization was solid without being that great, but the real highlights were the descriptions at the start which really captured the essence of the stimulus and also added to it. Voting for King Ra.

PancakeBrah · 03-22-2014, 06:48 PM

Mr. J -

I didn't enjoy the ending two lines. You had written well up to that point but it seemed a bit cheap to end with something regarding text when the rest of your verse was dealing with serious issues.

"I got second place in the employee of the month award"

"another call from a collector I forgot about forgettin'..."

"second place still got me feeling like I'm in last place..."

Those were cool. Overall this was a solid, not spectacular, piece that got brought down a little by your ending strategy.

King Ra -

I thought the technical side of your writing was really tight and well paced. The internal dialogue was good and your wording was strong throughout. One of the better pieces I've read from you. I think I would've liked some connection (or more connection) between the verses but that's just my opinion. Worked fine w/o it.

Pretty good battle. I think King Ra was a bit more cohesive and wrote better this week. A slight upset to me.

v/King Ra

oats · 03-23-2014, 03:52 AM

Mr. J: I thought the majority of your verse was well-written and thoughtful, and even if the thoughts put on display weren't earth-shattering, I was fully involved in the verse because it was easy to connect with and the rhymes were dope. I didn't like the last 6 lines, and I think it tugged your verse backwards from what it could have been. But I am glad you showed this time.

Ra: It seemed like you had a clearer idea in mind when you saw this picture. This had obvious implications of anti-capitalism and consumerism, and I think you nailed those themes, tying in the manipulation of economic crises as vehicles to limit rights. What I particularly liked was the end scene of silence after the Statue of Liberty fell. What that entailed is pretty open - was it signaling the fall of government or the continued creep into a place less free than yesterday?

Vote: Ra. His piece was more cohesive and complete, whereas J appeared to run out of time and slap an ending on top of an otherwise dope verse. This was a good match, thanks.

timeless · 03-23-2014, 11:07 AM

Mr. J,

Quote:

“no direction...the cost of it all is like the use of any known prosthetic
there isn't much help when your the one helpin' them...
another call from a collector I forgot about forgettin'...
what I take from the government I'm immediately giving back...”

These lines were my favorite here. I wish you would’ve gave this some thought to make it a complete read, it looked to be on the right tracks. Love the aggressiveness shown within some of the lines, reminds me of myself sometimes. Your approach was ok at best, read/heard many pieces of work that have to do with the 9 to 5 type of struggles. Not bad though how you presented it with the flashes of dark comedy. Hope to see you come complete next week though.

King Ra,

Quote:

You all bleed from this syndrome,
with your consumerist habits.
You all feeding the symptoms,
you consumerist faggots."

^lol im undecided if this is good or bad writing, but it made me laugh at least. I feel as though writing really short bar pieces like this, you need to have the flow on point at all times. Your first part was awkward for the most part imo, even after a couple reads I couldn’t digest it. Overall your whole take on the concept was decent, some of the wording and attempts at comedy just seemed premature imo, mostly saying faggot every other line it seemed lol.

Man I would’ve probably given this to Mr. J if those last two lines he had were ANYTHING else. Just couldn’t get into Ra’s verse this week but I have to give my vote to him for having a complete verse.
V. King Ra

Vulgar · 03-23-2014, 01:31 PM

Mr. J - Damn you for that ending! Hah, but nah, this was a cool type of verse. Your flow comes natural to you and I liked it. You addressed the topic but you came at it a bit obvious. Still, there were some thought provoking lines on display. The ending was ehhh but I'm sure you already acknowledge this.

King Ra - You can beat anyone in this league if you believe in yourself more. Just a small comment I wanted to make - to the verse, you had me with the beginning stanza, it was imaginative, and I liked the take on American consumerism being the death of our society, if that's what you were mainly trying to convey. The enjoyability factor was there.

My vote goes to King Ra.

03-17-2014, 06:13 AM	#1
Certain Mad fucking dangerous. Join Date: Jul 2013 Posts: 12,066 Battle Record: 40-19 Champed - AOWL Season 3 - Art of Writing League (2x) Rep Power: 85899406	Week 4: King Ra. (1-2) vs. Mr. J (0-1) \\ King Ra. wins 5-0 Season 3 The Basics \| Read the full rules here. Verses are due Friday at 11:59 p.m. PT. THERE ARE NO EXTENSIONS. Votes are due Sunday at 11:59 p.m. PT. Verses may not exceed 48 lines or 650 words unless agreed upon by the opponent. Voting on three battles is required. If you win and don't vote, you will receive a loss instead. If you lose and don't vote, you will receive a one-week suspension. Please post links to your three votes in this thread. Topic Good luck, @Mr. J and @King Ra. __________________ I'm just swinging swords strictly based on keyboards, unbalanced like elephants and ants on seesaws.

03-21-2014, 08:36 PM	#2
Mr. J The Clown Prince Join Date: Apr 2013 Posts: 5,046 Battle Record: 35-45 Champed - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 59349682	Should I preach to a higher power, confess that I am devoured I am diminished, caught in the eye of the storm and I am a flower... it's poetic, it's copacetic, at the end of the day I feel so pathetic no direction...the cost of it all is like the use of any known prosthetic I got second place in the employee of the month award but with the hours I get there isn't much reward... there's so much remorse..I feel distant from myself again there isn't much help when your the one helpin' them... selfish and..depressed from the hours I'm spending.. putting all the work in that helps power the engine... pounding my head in, I can't think without the sweatin' another call from a collector I forgot about forgettin'... Hello? Yea I know the issue, I don't need the calls you give too... I'm bound to forgive you, but fuck you for the harassment you bitch you... you snitch you, tell your supervisor I had to vent with you... but there's another bill to the list no matter how big or how little always making me, burn my cash, just know what I earn didn't last what I take from the government I'm immediately giving back... household utilities, with the household amenities different name, different address, can't control the spendin' sprees... another letter followin' me from the last place second place still got me feeling like I'm in last place... that's great....but I'm here still doing what I do nigga... cause I don't got the patience to sit through interviews nigga... powering the machine, burning paper like a motherfuckin' german only because I got a son to feed knowing he's my fuckin' purpose yea I fumbled the last lines but I ain't no-showing like last time :) __________________ .....laugh....and the world laughs with you

03-22-2014, 02:59 AM	#3
King Ra. The Throne, The Crown Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 2,667 Battle Record: 21-35 Rep Power: 1932963	"More dammit, more...." The heat was intense. Dark smoke rose. Sweat streamed off his chin as the fire danced over the hot coal. "Dollars & cents...." Such change to make ones heart stop, cold. ".... over my dead body." A statement to add to the suspense of his malicious intent. "Everything burns...." Certainly so, he continued feeding the flames. He'd imagine each president suffering, while screaming their names. Paused for a bit, wiped his face & let off a sinister laugh, because the dead presidents never had nothing to say. "Oh George! Hello there! Thanks for nothing you prick! Tell Abraham that he was nuts & Benjamin's sick!" After a moment of silence, he snorted, "I hope you all burn for this shit." Stared at the fire, went back to shoveling & said nothing since. . . . . . Those flames were glorious. "Who feeds this beast of a system? Who wisely selected it's victims? Whom sets the fire is fearsome, the one who puts an end to all income. You all bleed from this syndrome, with your consumerist habits. You all feeding the symptoms, you consumerist faggots." The announcement echoed throughout the streets without a moments hesitation. The listeners stood with a look of shock on their faces. "America will fall, but will try to survive. Because the ones ruling over you just won't let it die. They will fight & so will you, it's a matter of life.... & death- whichever you choose. Perhaps you'll surrender more of your rights to those faggots delight. Just remember this: the coming days could be as dark as the night. But the light will shine once again, because we all have the power. So let's take it all back- what once was ours." . . . . . An explosion ensued. The people turned and looked towards the horizon. The Statue of Liberty fell, followed by a solemn moment of silence. __________________ Vetwork, bitches. Last edited by King Ra.; 03-22-2014 at 03:16 AM.

03-22-2014, 06:48 PM	#5
PancakeBrah SOBER Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 12,480 Battle Record: 2-5 Champed - AOWL Season 2 Rep Power: 85899407	Mr. J - I didn't enjoy the ending two lines. You had written well up to that point but it seemed a bit cheap to end with something regarding text when the rest of your verse was dealing with serious issues. "I got second place in the employee of the month award" "another call from a collector I forgot about forgettin'..." "second place still got me feeling like I'm in last place..." Those were cool. Overall this was a solid, not spectacular, piece that got brought down a little by your ending strategy. King Ra - I thought the technical side of your writing was really tight and well paced. The internal dialogue was good and your wording was strong throughout. One of the better pieces I've read from you. I think I would've liked some connection (or more connection) between the verses but that's just my opinion. Worked fine w/o it. Pretty good battle. I think King Ra was a bit more cohesive and wrote better this week. A slight upset to me. v/King Ra __________________ Netcees 2025 Revivalist Movement Founder

03-23-2014, 03:52 AM	#6
oats Steel Cut Join Date: May 2013 Posts: 5,084 Battle Record: 19-10 Accomplishments - OM HOF (2x) Champed - Fight Night LXXXIV - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 79005428	Mr. J: I thought the majority of your verse was well-written and thoughtful, and even if the thoughts put on display weren't earth-shattering, I was fully involved in the verse because it was easy to connect with and the rhymes were dope. I didn't like the last 6 lines, and I think it tugged your verse backwards from what it could have been. But I am glad you showed this time. Ra: It seemed like you had a clearer idea in mind when you saw this picture. This had obvious implications of anti-capitalism and consumerism, and I think you nailed those themes, tying in the manipulation of economic crises as vehicles to limit rights. What I particularly liked was the end scene of silence after the Statue of Liberty fell. What that entailed is pretty open - was it signaling the fall of government or the continued creep into a place less free than yesterday? Vote: Ra. His piece was more cohesive and complete, whereas J appeared to run out of time and slap an ending on top of an otherwise dope verse. This was a good match, thanks. __________________ You should be water

03-22-2014, 05:13 AM	#4
zygote Senior Member Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 501 Battle Record: 33-12 Accomplishments - OM HOF (2x) Champed - Art of Writing League (3x) Rep Power: 737828	Enjoyed this contest. Mr. J had a good ending with the self-referential quality. The ending had some self-depreciation humor which was executed well. Conversational tone also meshes well with the overall approach. Good train of thought writing, but the rhyming was a little repetitive in places. Contrast it with King Ra's who mixed up the style of writing quite a bit between the different sections. The second half beginning with the dialogue was just great. The characterization was solid without being that great, but the real highlights were the descriptions at the start which really captured the essence of the stimulus and also added to it. Voting for King Ra.

03-23-2014, 01:31 PM	#8
Vulgar Razor-thin derision Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 4,422 Battle Record: 40-25 Accomplishments - OM HOF Champed - Fight Night LIV - Gimmick Battle League (2x) - Write Week II - Art of Writing League - Storytelling And Topical Invitational Tournament - STI - Haiku Writer Challenge - GWL Picture Challenge(2x) Rep Power: 49604320	Mr. J - Damn you for that ending! Hah, but nah, this was a cool type of verse. Your flow comes natural to you and I liked it. You addressed the topic but you came at it a bit obvious. Still, there were some thought provoking lines on display. The ending was ehhh but I'm sure you already acknowledge this. King Ra - You can beat anyone in this league if you believe in yourself more. Just a small comment I wanted to make - to the verse, you had me with the beginning stanza, it was imaginative, and I liked the take on American consumerism being the death of our society, if that's what you were mainly trying to convey. The enjoyability factor was there. My vote goes to King Ra.