About life

Dope girl · 04-26-2013, 02:32 PM

I came to this rap stuff with a heavy heart/
telling you how I feel,
where do I start?
you know what's its like to lose your closet influence?
it feels like your life is in ruins/
I don't get it my emotions are nuesence/
I'm glad this rapping is so fluent /
you trying geever get your girl locked up & then get reknocked/?
you ever drive to the next Michale Jackson/?
you ever sing so long you hope the beat don't drop/?
now have you ever felt a time where you felt no love/?
you sitting wondering what's going on above/
you ever enter mentality of a solider/?
Who has no arms, & no legs & got shot in the shoulder/?
that's what lifes life.
so my only escape is to pick up the mic just spend hours trying to write
trying t get out there
Trying to hype.

Natural · 04-28-2013, 03:29 AM

I have to be honest, no hate intended.
The writing presented here is elementary at best.
While the rhymes are ok, its just far to basic to label it dope. Novice label established.
I think you need to familiarize yourself with multi syllable rhymes and try to be more creative and picky in your wording for a concept.

Just my two cents.
Stay writing.

Ink · 04-28-2013, 04:09 PM

a couple things here...
the uses of slashes (/) is traditionally for breath marks... is that how you intended it here? because if so, I'm confused why you chose to put them in front of your question marks...

the spelling needs alot of work.. running spellcheck once could have resolved alot of these problems. the idea behind this isn't unique, but that's okay. it doesn't always have to be, and we've all written this type of piece before... but what it lacks is the garnish. you didn't deliver this idea in a way that gave me the impression you spent alot of time in the execution. the wording, the associations produced, the rhymes.. it didn't exactly scream "polished"..

Mr. J · 04-29-2013, 01:47 PM

This was alright, still finding your footing I take it?
well the best way to attack this...is take some advice
read some pieces...work on your vocab and next thing you know
you'll be like the writer's here
unless you become one of the types who take themselves too seriously
then hey...it's all fair game in here

Zen · 04-29-2013, 01:48 PM

Don't listen to them 2B. They're just haters.

Dope girl · 04-29-2013, 05:18 PM

I appreciate the feedback everyone!

04-26-2013, 02:32 PM	#1
Dope girl Senior Member Join Date: Jan 2013 Location: I live in Florida Posts: 4,789 Battle Record: 3-8 Rep Power: 55521419	About life I came to this rap stuff with a heavy heart/ telling you how I feel, where do I start? you know what's its like to lose your closet influence? it feels like your life is in ruins/ I don't get it my emotions are nuesence/ I'm glad this rapping is so fluent / you trying geever get your girl locked up & then get reknocked/? you ever drive to the next Michale Jackson/? you ever sing so long you hope the beat don't drop/? now have you ever felt a time where you felt no love/? you sitting wondering what's going on above/ you ever enter mentality of a solider/? Who has no arms, & no legs & got shot in the shoulder/? that's what lifes life. so my only escape is to pick up the mic just spend hours trying to write trying t get out there Trying to hype.

04-28-2013, 04:09 PM	#3
Ink Senior Member Join Date: Feb 2013 Posts: 329 Battle Record: 5-5 Rep Power: 60	a couple things here... the uses of slashes (/) is traditionally for breath marks... is that how you intended it here? because if so, I'm confused why you chose to put them in front of your question marks... the spelling needs alot of work.. running spellcheck once could have resolved alot of these problems. the idea behind this isn't unique, but that's okay. it doesn't always have to be, and we've all written this type of piece before... but what it lacks is the garnish. you didn't deliver this idea in a way that gave me the impression you spent alot of time in the execution. the wording, the associations produced, the rhymes.. it didn't exactly scream "polished".. __________________ Pen and Thread Bent \| Nom \| Ink STILL working on that book I left competing for... ig: @dchang.poetry

04-28-2013, 03:29 AM	#2
Natural Senior Member Join Date: Apr 2013 Posts: 659 Rep Power: 0	I have to be honest, no hate intended. The writing presented here is elementary at best. While the rhymes are ok, its just far to basic to label it dope. Novice label established. I think you need to familiarize yourself with multi syllable rhymes and try to be more creative and picky in your wording for a concept. Just my two cents. Stay writing.

04-29-2013, 01:47 PM	#4
Mr. J The Clown Prince Join Date: Apr 2013 Posts: 5,046 Battle Record: 35-45 Champed - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 59349682	This was alright, still finding your footing I take it? well the best way to attack this...is take some advice read some pieces...work on your vocab and next thing you know you'll be like the writer's here unless you become one of the types who take themselves too seriously then hey...it's all fair game in here

04-29-2013, 01:48 PM	#5
Zen Arm the Homeless Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 4,102 Battle Record: 22-24 Champed - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 35079722	Don't listen to them 2B. They're just haters.

04-29-2013, 05:18 PM	#6
Dope girl Senior Member Join Date: Jan 2013 Location: I live in Florida Posts: 4,789 Battle Record: 3-8 Rep Power: 55521419	I appreciate the feedback everyone!