The truth can hurt more than the lies...

[Dove Dozer]

With my senses enhanced, I glanced into the weather attic,
Dad and mom are out to dance, so now’s my chance I’ve never had it
To explore up in here, it’s full of boxes and such.
Never before was it clear, that things were lost in the dust.
I see shapes of different sizes, crates and clothes.
I kneel down to sit beside it, for gods’ sake its cold.
A scarf from the box removes the chill, thank the lord.
But in the dark my eyes lose their skill, avoiding planks and boards.
I’m searching to fill a void; I can’t explain its testing, see
Curiosity is desperately trying to get the best of me.
So many treasures disappear, forever been scorned.
But the pleasure isn’t here; these things have weathered a storm.
In disappointment, empty handed, with the last spot,
My plane of luck had landed, I hit the jackpot.
With anticipation, I look around for a sec
My hand is just shaken, a book was found in a chest.
This book was fit with leather, more than forty years old
But just wait; this shit gets better, as the story unfolds.
You’d never believe me if I told you, what my eyes have just seen.
Truth is I don’t even know you, but I’ll try to be keen.
Full of pages of pictures, men and women alike,
But what makes it the kicker, is they’re living despite
They are blatantly starving; so I accept the facts are right.
As I stare in disbelief of people dressed in black and white.
The horror witness has cometh, as I’m flipping every page.
It makes me sick to my stomach; cause their frickin’ heads are shaved.
I’m confused at what’s before me, bringing cause for some alarm.
They look like inventory; a code is on their numbered arm.
I try to piece the puzzle, the origin of this book?
I see an oven, it’s gigantic, what in sin would they cook?
the look on peoples face was frantic, everything was at stake,
Overcome, I stood in place, I was beginning to shake!
Overwhelmed emotion, like the truth has been told.
If my thoughts could be explosions, the roof would explode.
I look down at the images, and now I’m shook to see,
My father in its vividness, almost like he looks to me
Not dressed like the others, his glare says, “I’m watchin ya”
Unimpressed with a shudder, I can see a swastika
As I flip from one to next, rage is on my face. I can’t
Believe that dad commanded a concentration camp.

[zygote]

It was a little disturbing when you stopped doing the rhyme scheme E.g., lines (void - starving - puzzle - one to next) was enjoying the consistency of the rhyme schemes but those lines for some reason you did not keep it. Was the only thing off-putting as a reader, good plot line and some nice descriptions and phrases. Only other thing didn't like was how you ended it with the "I can't" because you have a "on my face." the full stop indicates that is the natural place to pause, so perhaps the next rhyme could have been with face and "I can't" could have been the beginning of the next sentence. Good writing, welcome to the artofbattling.com

[Dove Dozer]

Originally Posted by zygote

perhaps the next rhyme could have been with face and "I can't" could have been the beginning of the next sentence. Good writing, welcome to the artofbattling.com

thanks for the breakdown.. the internals I was just switching it up with, so I wasn't intending on keeping that scheme through out the whole verse. as far as the last 2 lines I get what you saying, however I wrote it out the way I did to pinpoint how I wanted it to flow. I appreciate your feedback. thanks bro.

[Flow]

Right great drop - Ima start with what I didn't...agree with shall we say.

Your closer -
As I flip from one to next, rage is on my face. I can’t
Believe that dad commanded a concentration camp.

I see what your attempting but for me it didn't work and it was the only part that for me the rhyme didn't work, I would say its intentional but the way you wrote the sentence I am guessing you meant for it to rhyme. It didn't. An felt somewhat forced.

This was a massive shame as it was amazing until then so I am left with the most recent memory of it being poor...

The good stuff -

Other then that it was all amazing, great rhymes, great story, great content, interesting, kind of funny at the start (i remember the days of sneaking to the attic) Nice vocab...

This was a solid drop and other then the 'life of I' its probably the best drop ive seen on here in a long time.

Though not my favourite for content - this was my fav peice for making me believe this is a true story and im living it with you

This book was fit with leather, more than forty years old
But just wait; this shit gets better, as the story unfolds.


Keep dropping dude

[Zen]

Some pretty good shit honestly @nO gOoD!. You tell a good story man. Some vivid imagery you captured here which was carried by a nice tight flow. Keep doing what you're doing man you got skills man

[VividEnds]

I liked the twist a lot. could've use a little more edge

[Dove Dozer]

Thx for the feed fellas