Locked in... (Topical)

Dove Dozer · 04-02-2013, 01:35 PM

"..I have a story to tell, to keep it in is toxic
I feel sick to think about it...you're the one I'll talk with.."

-------------------------------

I awoke in hell, I'll tell you of the darkest plot
no fire - brimstone, I was in the parkin lot.

to start's the hard part, I can't take a breath. Coughin'
The day was cold and dark, I thought of death often.

Cherishing every breath, I seemed cautious
whoever put me here is sick, I don't mean nauseaus.

A total surprize, I didn't know the disquise
was gonna hit me like a frieght train, you'll notice the size

of the ride in the picture, It looks decieving.
The trunk's actually bigger, this aint a book I'm reading

It was real life then, I was shook and bleeding
The devil played a part, I hate the crooked heathen.

The engine seemed alive, like it would have to breathe.
I swear it had a pulse and its blood was gasoline,

It had me in it's clutches with no way to escape,
I was on my way to hell, I had to wait at the gates.

Every minute seemed eternity, with the motor running,
its like I'm gonna die, and now I know its coming.

I'm shiverin' cold, I can feel the goose bumps,
as we swerve down the road I'm prayin for a loose trunk.
The wind was howlin', just like the devils dog,
we raced down darkness in a heavy fog.
I can't think straight, I saw a blink he hit the brakes.
If he pops the trunk, I'm fit to escape.
I can't even think, how long I've been trapped,
soon enough it all changed, weight on the gas.
It was dark here, but the speed was blinding.
It didn't take long, cops and sirens.
Whats it gonna take, to stop the violence?
We need to pull together and stop the tyrants.
Don't think this is fake, written script.
I was in the car when it.. flipped in the ditch.
When I came to, I couldn't move, was afraid to.
I aint the same dude, who can I put the blame to?
later found out, I was lucky to survive.
I should live stress free and be alive.
My freedom and my life no one can take from me,
cause the man I escaped from, was Ted Bundy.

Dove Dozer · 04-04-2013, 05:03 AM

Damn... i guess nobody feelin this.

KennyCerealBowl · 04-04-2013, 06:39 AM

lol I was just watching a documentary bout seriel killers.
It was okay. all I can really say. keep writting!

Zen · 04-04-2013, 12:45 PM

^^It's serial not seriel....And this was much better than 'okay'
You can tell a great story NG and this piece is no different holmes. All I would say is maybe to switch up the rhyme scheme a little bit every now and then you know what I mean? Add some inners and such. That's really the only advice I'd say to you because you're a hell of a storyteller as I've told you before. Keep droppin man.

Dope girl · 04-04-2013, 05:15 PM

it was 7/10, Put more creativity & complexity.

04-02-2013, 01:35 PM	#1
Dove Dozer loose leaf bruce lee Join Date: Mar 2013 Posts: 1,077 Battle Record: 7-6 Rep Power: 1853216	Locked in... (Topical) "..I have a story to tell, to keep it in is toxic I feel sick to think about it...you're the one I'll talk with.." ------------------------------- I awoke in hell, I'll tell you of the darkest plot no fire - brimstone, I was in the parkin lot. to start's the hard part, I can't take a breath. Coughin' The day was cold and dark, I thought of death often. Cherishing every breath, I seemed cautious whoever put me here is sick, I don't mean nauseaus. A total surprize, I didn't know the disquise was gonna hit me like a frieght train, you'll notice the size of the ride in the picture, It looks decieving. The trunk's actually bigger, this aint a book I'm reading It was real life then, I was shook and bleeding The devil played a part, I hate the crooked heathen. The engine seemed alive, like it would have to breathe. I swear it had a pulse and its blood was gasoline, It had me in it's clutches with no way to escape, I was on my way to hell, I had to wait at the gates. Every minute seemed eternity, with the motor running, its like I'm gonna die, and now I know its coming. I'm shiverin' cold, I can feel the goose bumps, as we swerve down the road I'm prayin for a loose trunk. The wind was howlin', just like the devils dog, we raced down darkness in a heavy fog. I can't think straight, I saw a blink he hit the brakes. If he pops the trunk, I'm fit to escape. I can't even think, how long I've been trapped, soon enough it all changed, weight on the gas. It was dark here, but the speed was blinding. It didn't take long, cops and sirens. Whats it gonna take, to stop the violence? We need to pull together and stop the tyrants. Don't think this is fake, written script. I was in the car when it.. flipped in the ditch. When I came to, I couldn't move, was afraid to. I aint the same dude, who can I put the blame to? later found out, I was lucky to survive. I should live stress free and be alive. My freedom and my life no one can take from me, cause the man I escaped from, was Ted Bundy. __________________ Last edited by Dove Dozer; 11-15-2013 at 09:23 PM.

04-04-2013, 05:03 AM	#2
Dove Dozer loose leaf bruce lee Join Date: Mar 2013 Posts: 1,077 Battle Record: 7-6 Rep Power: 1853216	Damn... i guess nobody feelin this.

04-04-2013, 06:39 AM	#3
KennyCerealBowl Do what is right. Join Date: Apr 2013 Posts: 769 Rep Power: 954121	lol I was just watching a documentary bout seriel killers. It was okay. all I can really say. keep writting!

04-04-2013, 12:45 PM	#4
Zen Arm the Homeless Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 4,102 Battle Record: 22-24 Champed - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 35079722	^^It's serial not seriel....And this was much better than 'okay' You can tell a great story NG and this piece is no different holmes. All I would say is maybe to switch up the rhyme scheme a little bit every now and then you know what I mean? Add some inners and such. That's really the only advice I'd say to you because you're a hell of a storyteller as I've told you before. Keep droppin man.

04-04-2013, 05:15 PM	#5
Dope girl Senior Member Join Date: Jan 2013 Location: I live in Florida Posts: 4,788 Battle Record: 3-8 Rep Power: 55521419	it was 7/10, Put more creativity & complexity.