Random Stuff 2

[Mitch]

One day, thought i could taste light, THOUGHT I COULD THINK RIGHT, I WAS WRONG! Seems to be working out, can't you see it all go down, I'm so fucking easy. I'M SO FUCKING EASY! JUDGE ME CUS' I'M PERFECT! HUG ME I'M NERVOUS! MOTHER I'M SPINNING! This is illusion, that is the proof. Kill me, kill me, kill me, kill me. Saddle the youth, ride for fun. I'm a pretty playpen who's prisoners cant see outside the ladder's rungs. HAVEN'T YOU HAD FUN?

Goodbye, hello again. Why haven't you left? Haven't you slept? It's a sunny China. Don't break the plates if your fed up. Tomorrows a sunny breakfast, I won't back you up. Shake my rust in a catapult. Easy bake for the castle turned common folk for chicken match, Don't fear the train, bright lights never carry thought when you jump the kindle wax and slip through passengers/passages. Don't read. Produce poison and breed within the facts you lit to catch like tinder stacks. Cull the cauldron bulk and alchemise the kids some crack, then you could afford the porcelain window brat to point out the beauty in the most simple of kindred acts breathed a midst the city glass reflecting pits of cigar ash. Whispers are still intact after initial wisp extract, captured to coo the crows that fiend the beady black of grey matter strewn across the beaten path to build your berg asylums that treat disease with wrist straps, from the depths of Atlantic oil shafts and spoiled explorer craft.

Force yourself to silence. Thoughts distort the knowledge. You are just an iceberg, your shape isn't solid for as long as you want it cus' the water is dominant, hollow and full of itself enough to reflect itself in the sky just to mock at us, mop us up, we're following the path of least resistance, have to feed the children, have to feed the woman, have to meat a woman.

There's a bad taste, in the back of my words, I'll eat my tongue and taste myself. I dig your garden, Apples all around. Fill the stomach now. You can pay the bill, lay me off, mamma wants her pills!
I'll eat you. I'm everything. I'll kill yourself, and give you everything I've ever known. I'll see you sell it back.
Hi 5's 4 pentagrams. 9 lives for superman. Salt and glass for breakfast sun. Crackers can't have sex with nuns. Copper in my water pipes, Fluoride in my veins. Marijuana says i'm not alive, I'll force light through shade. This isn't church. You aren't hurt, are you?

[Mitch]

Get me some FEEDBACK on this piece, if you have the time to write something up. Thanks.

[Hush]

Way better than I thought it would be


Remind me of @dull boy or @Whys Weighs @Vulgar



Those guys can give more appropriate feed
I did like it

Alchemist crack line was hard

[Vulgar]

The opening segment had great use of caps lock. It created an environment of animated language. Judging some of your wording, you had good visuals and the backround information made me think you were a split personality talking to the real self, posturing and planning inner vendettas.

Whispers are still intact after initial wisp extract, captured to coo the crows that fiend the beady black of grey matter strewn across the beaten path to build your berg asylums that treat disease with wrist straps, from the depths of Atlantic oil shafts and spoiled explorer craft.
^The run-on sentence nature of this part threw me off. Technically, it just wasn't right. The content was interesting and I liked the end rhyme mixed in with rusty sci fi imagery.

Marijuana says i'm not alive
^This was forced. I would've went with ayahuasca or a plant with stronger hallucinogenic properties.

Overall, you've got an original style here. I can appreciate writing that bursts with energy; I would say that it's one of your strengths right off the bat. Use it to your advantage and keep the reader wide awake. One thing you can improve on is how you transition. A run-on sentence won't make as good of an impression as a flat-out impactful statement or singular line/thought. Welcome to the open mic section.

Keep doing you

[dead man]

Man you should record this

[Wise Wiggles]

glimmers of a young aesop rock. metaphor galore. nice post. keep keying.

[Mitch]

Originally Posted by Whys Weighs

glimmers of a young aesop rock. metaphor galore. nice post. keep keying.

Aesop is my main influence, good eye.

[Just Write]

i enjoyed the first portion of this the most. kinda like a play-write but also a slim shady (early years) feel to it. anyways i'll definitely check you out if you keep posting, welcome to netcees.