the 5th room on the 10th floor of Lolo

[veritas]

Andromeda had its fair share of Manchurian candidates in the distant “past”,
But their Silver cords bare Darko’s realization that the dream programs crashed.
Esteemed clones trashed, their governmental recall mandated swift action,
So Roy Batty was compensated a Caddy parked outside his new mansion.
The whole family of microbes donned velour tracksuits, white with the subtle white stripe
“this is your one shot, so don’t act loose” said the tunnel-like light
Black holes are the funnels for the levels of my flight
The day makes straight the way for those who stumble in the night
The gift was given, the ambassador wore his telekinesis helmet
Your future was assassinated, in 15 years you will remember when you felt it
Relentless complexity, embrace the mystery, hungry hungry hippo pellets
I swan dived off the hill adjacent to where the well sits
The air was velvets and silks, with aromas of an ancient eastern market
Underneath the Sphinx, right where I parked it
I don’t like cops so my bacon addiction is hipster ironic
always rolled with the SNES but would whoop ya ass in Sonic
Nootropics growing on the legend of Riddick bowe’s right hook
Slow, awkward, predictable, but choreographed in the closed mind book
Watch this imagery when I tinker with your mind human
The water caresses your toes, so the sand’s of time loosen
You wouldn’t believe the nerve of the interwoven dimensional feat
The taxi driver’s last fare was a pregnant woman giving birth in the back seat
Sometimes red lights don’t matter, do you understand what I am trying to tell you?
I remember you, you forgot me, love and truth with no agenda to sell you
Monkeys smashing bone’s in front of the obelisk, the vigilant baby sitter
Real talk: Grace don’t blame the sinner, it only blames the quitter
So I be what I speak, I don’t speak what I be
So until then I amon bended knee praying you get free.
Its all rubix cubes inside the lotus blossom underwater in Copperfield chains
Silly mortal, you could make it all disappear with energy of seven monkey brains
Time travelling back, it was the Kansas city shuffle, you looked right, he went left
I remember crying when you stood before God, no book of Life, this meant death.

[Vulgar]

@VERITAS

Andromeda had its fair share of Manchurian candidates in the distant “past”,
But their Silver cords bare Darko’s realization that the dream programs crashed.
When surveying this, I thought there were cool ideas here. I feel like the terms Andromeda, Manchurian and Darko needed more room to breathe though. When introducing three heavy-ish elements in the first bar you can lose the reader in all the congestion.
Esteemed clones trashed, their governmental recall mandated swift action,
So Roy Batty was compensated a Caddy parked outside his new mansion.
^didn't like 'esteemed clones trashed' the wording feels very forced. Roy reference was cool.
The whole family of microbes donned velour tracksuits, white with the subtle white stripe
“this is your one shot, so don’t act loose” said the tunnel-like light
^first line should be "The whole family of microbes donned velour tracksuits with the subtle white stripe" tbh.
Black holes are the funnels for the levels of my flight
The day makes straight the way for those who stumble in the night
The gift was given, the ambassador wore his telekinesis helmet
Your future was assassinated, in 15 years you will remember when you felt it
Relentless complexity, embrace the mystery, hungry hungry hippo pellets
I swan dived off the hill adjacent to where the well sits
Decent content and steady flow.
The air was velvets and silks, with aromas of an ancient eastern market
^suggestion: the air was velvet silk; aromas of an ancient eastern market*
Underneath the Sphinx, right where I parked it
I don’t like cops so my bacon addiction is hipster ironic
^Corny-ish line to me
always rolled with the SNES but would whoop ya ass in Sonic
Nootropics growing on the legend of Riddick bowe’s right hook
Slow, awkward, predictable, but choreographed in the closed mind book
Watch this imagery when I tinker with your mind human
The water caresses your toes, so the sand’s of time loosen
^This was sick!
You wouldn’t believe the nerve of the interwoven dimensional feat
The taxi driver’s last fare was a pregnant woman giving birth in the back seat
^Sci fi.
Sometimes red lights don’t matter, do you understand what I am trying to tell you?
I remember you, you forgot me, love and truth with no agenda to sell you
Monkeys smashing bone’s in front of the obelisk, the vigilant baby sitter
Real talk: Grace don’t blame the sinner, it only blames the quitter
So I be what I speak, I don’t speak what I be
So until then I amon bended knee praying you get free.
^I couldn't really relate or figure out what your intention was behind these lines as I was reading so they were misses for me.
Its all rubix cubes inside the lotus blossom underwater in Copperfield chains
^suggestion: draped* in Copperfield chains
Silly mortal, you could make it all disappear with energy of seven monkey brains
^Ehh
Time travelling back, it was the Kansas city shuffle, you looked right, he went left
I remember crying when you stood before God, no book of Life, this meant death.
^Good closer.

Overall, I'm picky with these types of drops but it's evident you have a strong grasp over what you are saying as well as multiple subjects. Sometimes I think you need to work on spacing out, refining, and giving your individual concepts and thoughts some room to breathe. On one hand you have the VERITAS audio persona, a confident illustrator of scenes that include science fiction escapades and other times you have an extensive psychological menu that you rattle off using simple but well-paced rhyme schemes to deliver those messages. I liked this but I believe that with any space odyssey, there is a long journey ahead of you, one both you & the readers will enjoy.

Keep doing you

[Mr. J]

The flow was on point, the word usage was on another level
kept in the same pace as some of the other writers around here
very smooth transitioning the imagery was off the hook as well
nice metaphorical usage as well, that beginner is really what sealed it
kept it moving nicely my dude...keep on writing

Watch this imagery when I tinker with your mind human
The water caresses your toes, so the sand’s of time loosen
You wouldn’t believe the nerve of the interwoven dimensional feat
The taxi driver’s last fare was a pregnant woman giving birth in the back seat
Sometimes red lights don’t matter, do you understand what I am trying to tell you?
I remember you, you forgot me, love and truth with no agenda to sell yo
^^^like that sand's of time line