The Minds of Reviving Artists.

jdeek · 01-02-2014, 04:43 PM

supposed to be a collab my brother and i are doing. still waiting on him to finish his verse...

All emotion was faded. Fell in depression's basement.
Laid on the rocks that paved it and slept in the bed I made
and awakened in better places. Slow and steadily steppin'
away from those days. Embracin' the changes of elevation.
Was feelin' my body achin'. Beggin' for God to make it..
Stop. But the same mistakes I was makin' left me forsaken.
Shakin' and curled in corners. Tryin' to ditch my shadow.
Afraid of makin' a friend. Every second a losin' battle.
Teeth, grindin' to gravel. Speedin' and never sleepin',
and with the size of my pupils, don't know how I wasn't seein'
what was layin' in the road on the path of life I was leadin'...
A future version of me that was dyin, lyin' defeated.
Then he came to my rescue. Drug me out of the forest.
Cut ALL ties with the devil. He scissored me from my darkest,
but fell in his own darkness. Seein' that was the hardest.
But the future's lookin' bright. The minds of reviving artists.

http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=42835
http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=43185

Just Write · 01-02-2014, 05:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jdeek

supposed to be a collab my brother and i are doing. still waiting on him to finish his verse...

All emotion was faded. Fell in depression's basement.
Laid on the rocks that paved it and slept in the bed I made

this was awesome, do more lines like these

and awakened in better places. Slow and steadily steppin'
away from those days. Embracin' the changes of elevation.

i think the word and to start the sentence was not really the best plan, especially since you just ended the last segment's quarter section with and
Was feelin' my body achin'. Beggin' for God to make it..
Stop. But the same mistakes I was makin' left me forsaken.
Shakin' and curled in corners. Tryin' to ditch my shadow.
Afraid of makin' a friend. Every second a losin' battle.
Teeth, grindin' to gravel. Speedin' and never sleepin',
and with the size of my pupils, don't know how I wasn't seein'
what was layin' in the road on the path of life I was leadin'...
A future version of me that was dyin, lyin' defeated.

i've felt like this many of times my man, sucks

Then he came to my rescue. Drug me out of the forest.
Cut ALL ties with the devil. He scissored me from my darkest,
but fell in his own darkness. Seein' that was the hardest.
But the future's lookin' bright. The minds of reviving artists.

nice little way to end it although the word forest seemed out of place. all in all nice verse my dude. stay up

http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=42835
http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=43185

Fig · 01-03-2014, 05:08 AM

Wow this was pretty clean man. Reads like it's ready to be spit.

Quote:

Shakin' and curled in corners. Tryin' to ditch my shadow.
Afraid of makin' a friend. Every second a losin' battle.
Teeth, grindin' to gravel. Speedin' and never sleepin',
and with the size of my pupils, don't know how I wasn't seein'

Raw man. Keep dropping

CopyPat · 01-03-2014, 05:34 AM

yoyoyo ol pal. good to see u back. i kinda read this very quickly. it def has that audio vibe to it. feels unfinished though, so the collab part of it should help. lyrically the scheming and complexity were quite minimal but u hit on the content and realness and kept the length good to easily transition this to audio, so i can respec that. im sure this will sound better on a real track than how it reads on a text. stay up!!

Certain · 01-03-2014, 05:37 AM

This was very good. Your style is exceptionally clean, which I gravitate toward, but I don't think the content here really showed what you can do. There were a lot of cliches. The rhyming was fluid, though, and I could see this working better with a second verse written by someone else.

jdeek · 01-03-2014, 02:48 PM

Preciate it yall. I'll be feedin tomorrow...see a few wise and geno posts along with some cats im not familiar with, so I'll hook it up when i'm at work tomorrow.

Exis · 01-04-2014, 06:15 AM

I liked this...emotion is a stand out but you also have some nice imagery, if I'm bein' completely honest there's places where a few things could be tightened like word usage and so forth.It's good though, definitely a lot to like here and chea thought it was nice with it.

Thanks for the feed man,
Stay upwards.

Split · 01-04-2014, 08:51 AM

thought this was dope as fuck, schemes were nice and exceptional title quality. didnt like the tone much but it was cool. keep posting.

Wise Wiggles · 01-04-2014, 10:35 AM

this isn't what I remember you writing like. not bad. stay up.

01-02-2014, 04:43 PM	#1
jdeek Junior Member Join Date: Jan 2014 Posts: 21 Rep Power: 0	The Minds of Reviving Artists. supposed to be a collab my brother and i are doing. still waiting on him to finish his verse... All emotion was faded. Fell in depression's basement. Laid on the rocks that paved it and slept in the bed I made and awakened in better places. Slow and steadily steppin' away from those days. Embracin' the changes of elevation. Was feelin' my body achin'. Beggin' for God to make it.. Stop. But the same mistakes I was makin' left me forsaken. Shakin' and curled in corners. Tryin' to ditch my shadow. Afraid of makin' a friend. Every second a losin' battle. Teeth, grindin' to gravel. Speedin' and never sleepin', and with the size of my pupils, don't know how I wasn't seein' what was layin' in the road on the path of life I was leadin'... A future version of me that was dyin, lyin' defeated. Then he came to my rescue. Drug me out of the forest. Cut ALL ties with the devil. He scissored me from my darkest, but fell in his own darkness. Seein' that was the hardest. But the future's lookin' bright. The minds of reviving artists. http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=42835 http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=43185 Last edited by jdeek; 01-02-2014 at 04:46 PM.

01-03-2014, 05:34 AM	#4
CopyPat Mic Check Join Date: Mar 2013 Location: Calgary Alberta Canada Posts: 708 Battle Record: 13-10 Rep Power: 3742225	yoyoyo ol pal. good to see u back. i kinda read this very quickly. it def has that audio vibe to it. feels unfinished though, so the collab part of it should help. lyrically the scheming and complexity were quite minimal but u hit on the content and realness and kept the length good to easily transition this to audio, so i can respec that. im sure this will sound better on a real track than how it reads on a text. stay up!! __________________ My syllable count approximately a billion, bounce. You cannot compete.

01-03-2014, 05:37 AM	#5
Certain Mad fucking dangerous. Join Date: Jul 2013 Posts: 12,066 Battle Record: 40-19 Champed - AOWL Season 3 - Art of Writing League (2x) Rep Power: 85899406	This was very good. Your style is exceptionally clean, which I gravitate toward, but I don't think the content here really showed what you can do. There were a lot of cliches. The rhyming was fluid, though, and I could see this working better with a second verse written by someone else. __________________ I'm just swinging swords strictly based on keyboards, unbalanced like elephants and ants on seesaws.

01-04-2014, 08:51 AM	#8
Split . Join Date: Aug 2013 Posts: 8,898 Battle Record: 27-22 Rep Power: 85899399	thought this was dope as fuck, schemes were nice and exceptional title quality. didnt like the tone much but it was cool. keep posting. __________________ http://split8.yolasite.com

01-04-2014, 10:35 AM	#9
Wise Wiggles nok Su kow Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 4,505 Battle Record: 1-1 Rep Power: 51788022	this isn't what I remember you writing like. not bad. stay up. __________________ "black as midnight..black as pitch blacker than the soul of the foulest witch"

01-03-2014, 02:48 PM	#6
jdeek Junior Member Join Date: Jan 2014 Posts: 21 Rep Power: 0	Preciate it yall. I'll be feedin tomorrow...see a few wise and geno posts along with some cats im not familiar with, so I'll hook it up when i'm at work tomorrow.

01-04-2014, 06:15 AM	#7
Exis ............ Join Date: Jul 2013 Posts: 3,934 Battle Record: 3-3 Rep Power: 0	I liked this...emotion is a stand out but you also have some nice imagery, if I'm bein' completely honest there's places where a few things could be tightened like word usage and so forth.It's good though, definitely a lot to like here and chea thought it was nice with it. Thanks for the feed man, Stay upwards.