There's Something Terribly Wrong Here...

Ink · 03-02-2013, 04:24 AM

I'm new here, but not new to writing... Here's something I wrote a few months back to get my foot in the door, I guess.

TOPIC: You walk into a bar and sit down. You order a drink and begin looking around the bar. After awhile you begin to notice something about the bar was wrong. Explain.

Clean, crisp, suit – a little scruff gives a man character
Bartender’s eyes on me, two finger raise brings her over
A slight smirk, wandering eyes to show I know she’s got it
Go ahead and flaunt it like a museum my eyes attended
“I’ll have a Gimlet, real lime juice… Gin, not vodka babe”
She winks and slinks away, her ass sashaying a wave
I may have made her night, but to me it’s another day
I just might take her away, an answer to what she prayed
Heh…
I see a slight shadow in the corner of my eye… ris
A slender bare wrist that froze my heart like an ice… pick
Me an’ her? We locked sights, I ain’t no locksmith
Toothpick slipped from my lips and hit the floor like a dance mix
Clear the throat and recollect myself… this is all me
Something says she’ll see through me with vision that’s omni
But never mind that, I smile and ask her what she’ll have
“Cosmopolitan,” confident and no games, I’m feelin that
Almond eyes, slightly tanned, bangs like a veil gracing her face
Perky lips like a sheath, pointed to accommodate a blade
That’s her tongue, yeah she stings, I can tell from her display
Low cut dress stops at her thighs with the edges slightly frayed
Damn…
The dim lighting wraps her body like a sheet of gold
I’m looking for the creases usually across the centerfolds
Bartender brings my drink and her Cosmopolitan too
I’m casting out my pheromones, tangled in her perfume
I close the distance by some inches, eyeing the menu prices
“Can you help me out? Girl, something’s wrong with that list
It’s been bothering me ever since you walked through the door
I see a lot of numbers up there, but… I don’t see yours”

Split · 03-03-2013, 10:27 AM

The lines about the perfume and the two above it here *

Those lines were cool. I didn't get the twist :( nice drop though. Also that museum line was asscheeks. Keep keyin, b

Geno · 03-03-2013, 01:14 PM

Needs work
Conceptually you broke it down nice.
Your format is good
But your scheming is bad, you need to work on tying your rhymes together. This read like a story with no rhythm. Just my take

Keep dropping

Zen · 03-03-2013, 01:43 PM

I gotta agree with Geno. You need to work on your schemes a little more because this was actually kind of a hard read to me. No disrespect or anything but you can elevate quickly man. I see you're thinking of joining the topical league I'd do it man. You'll up your game in no time there. Keep active man

Ink · 03-03-2013, 02:33 PM

@Split : the twist was a joke... in that everyone probably expected the piece to be something intense because of the topic.. so i made it to revolve about a pick up line

@Genocide and @ZenLand : y'know, as far as feedback, it's the first time i heard that the rhythm was off for this particular piece. I can see where you're coming from though, definitely appreciate the feedback. By "tying rhymes together" are you referring to some of the off rhymes used or the placement of the rhymes within lines?

See you all in the topical league at some point.. I find that I don't work on my personal pieces as much when I'm part of a league, so I'm trying to balance my time between the two.

03-02-2013, 04:24 AM	#1
Ink Senior Member Join Date: Feb 2013 Posts: 329 Battle Record: 5-5 Rep Power: 60	There's Something Terribly Wrong Here... I'm new here, but not new to writing... Here's something I wrote a few months back to get my foot in the door, I guess. TOPIC: You walk into a bar and sit down. You order a drink and begin looking around the bar. After awhile you begin to notice something about the bar was wrong. Explain. Clean, crisp, suit – a little scruff gives a man character Bartender’s eyes on me, two finger raise brings her over A slight smirk, wandering eyes to show I know she’s got it Go ahead and flaunt it like a museum my eyes attended “I’ll have a Gimlet, real lime juice… Gin, not vodka babe” She winks and slinks away, her ass sashaying a wave I may have made her night, but to me it’s another day I just might take her away, an answer to what she prayed Heh… I see a slight shadow in the corner of my eye… ris A slender bare wrist that froze my heart like an ice… pick Me an’ her? We locked sights, I ain’t no locksmith Toothpick slipped from my lips and hit the floor like a dance mix Clear the throat and recollect myself… this is all me Something says she’ll see through me with vision that’s omni But never mind that, I smile and ask her what she’ll have “Cosmopolitan,” confident and no games, I’m feelin that Almond eyes, slightly tanned, bangs like a veil gracing her face Perky lips like a sheath, pointed to accommodate a blade That’s her tongue, yeah she stings, I can tell from her display Low cut dress stops at her thighs with the edges slightly frayed Damn… The dim lighting wraps her body like a sheet of gold I’m looking for the creases usually across the centerfolds Bartender brings my drink and her Cosmopolitan too I’m casting out my pheromones, tangled in her perfume I close the distance by some inches, eyeing the menu prices “Can you help me out? Girl, something’s wrong with that list It’s been bothering me ever since you walked through the door I see a lot of numbers up there, but… I don’t see yours”

03-03-2013, 10:27 AM	#2
Split . Join Date: Aug 2013 Posts: 8,898 Battle Record: 27-22 Rep Power: 85899398	The lines about the perfume and the two above it here * Those lines were cool. I didn't get the twist :( nice drop though. Also that museum line was asscheeks. Keep keyin, b __________________ http://split8.yolasite.com

03-03-2013, 01:14 PM	#3
Geno White Earl Join Date: Jan 2013 Location: Philly Cat. Posts: 12,354 Battle Record: 10-15 Accomplishments - Open Mic HOF (4x) Champed - Netcees Writers League - Write Week I - Write Week 8 Rep Power: 50036761	Needs work Conceptually you broke it down nice. Your format is good But your scheming is bad, you need to work on tying your rhymes together. This read like a story with no rhythm. Just my take Keep dropping __________________ *-A.bove T.he R.est*

03-03-2013, 01:43 PM	#4
Zen Arm the Homeless Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 4,102 Battle Record: 22-24 Champed - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 35079722	I gotta agree with Geno. You need to work on your schemes a little more because this was actually kind of a hard read to me. No disrespect or anything but you can elevate quickly man. I see you're thinking of joining the topical league I'd do it man. You'll up your game in no time there. Keep active man

03-03-2013, 02:33 PM	#5
Ink Senior Member Join Date: Feb 2013 Posts: 329 Battle Record: 5-5 Rep Power: 60	@Split : the twist was a joke... in that everyone probably expected the piece to be something intense because of the topic.. so i made it to revolve about a pick up line @Genocide and @ZenLand : y'know, as far as feedback, it's the first time i heard that the rhythm was off for this particular piece. I can see where you're coming from though, definitely appreciate the feedback. By "tying rhymes together" are you referring to some of the off rhymes used or the placement of the rhymes within lines? See you all in the topical league at some point.. I find that I don't work on my personal pieces as much when I'm part of a league, so I'm trying to balance my time between the two.