Week 10 - patrown (3-3) vs. Adonis (3-5) - PATROWN WINS 5-3

[Mike Wrecka]

Season 2

Rules

Verse Due Date - Saturday 23:59 PST (NO EXTENSIONS)

Voting Deadline - Monday 23:59 PST

Line Limits - 16 - 48 Max can be higher if both agree

Voting - Must vote on 3 battles and post voting links in this thread, preferably all in one post.

If you don't vote on 3 battle you will be given a loss. If you lose by votes and don't vote on other battles you receive a one week suspension.


Topic

"There are those who will be afraid "




Good Luck @patrown @Adonis

[Adonis]

Have we danced before???

Cuz I'm bout to duggy on yo gril sucka, what up?

[patrown]

yo!

[Adonis]

~Topic~

"There are those who will be afraid "



Identity crisis, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde,
Torn mind juggling originality and pride,
A Jester and muse most confused by the feud,
His enemy's nude as he's fully clothed knocking boots.

Her blank white expression yearns for a shield,
A canvas urging for confection, consuming the surreal,
He jots thoughts upon the nape of her neck,
Filling the blanks mindfully as to garner respect.

This cerebral virtuoso caught betwixt hunger and fame,
A simple note exchanged for notoriety and change,
This monetary malarkey – originality's being slayed,
The irony's his method, it portrays personalities betrayed,

A fire could arise, and the scent may smite a few,
The burning Inkwells – Papyrus enlightens you,
Fear is an emotion a writer aspires to evoke,
Embers puff out smoke; smoke conceals a dragon in the note.

His chamber of solace
Sleeping... Waiting to strangle a novice
He remains accomplished
Restricted by the shackles he's polished.

A dragon's unfit to be hostage
Hindered by the manuscripts meant to abolish

A world covered in haze,
As his blaze emits knowledge
His fuze will light...

Promise

But until that day...
A bracket may yet be untarnished

[patrown]

orded a pumpkin latte at starbucks and waited for the drink
brushed her hair behind her ears, leaning back and pretending to think
"Reina? your drinks ready.." couldn't think steady, took it and headed to her chair
locked herself into the wrong life, with her thinking impaired
but everyone around her seemed unblinking while they stared
searching her soul for an answer that wasn't there
walking down the street looking for a key to her prison
Stella wandered into another bar looking for a drink to be given
for the reason she's livin', in spots she'd frequent but didn't
know the bartenders name or her place in the scene
Stella just wandered through the most complacent of dreams
patiently waiting for a white knight to placate her needs
her twighlight sihoulette playing pictionary
outlining the worlds flaws in her silent script that varied
between quiet praise and fear of violent days our minds display
opening up the firey furnace with its clamped jaws latching
onto every piece of humanity our bodies leave flapping
in the breezes and wind, seasoned by sin
signaling the undertones of the begining of this world to curle up its toes
sink back into the earth, and silence itself in the undertones of our purpose
digesting a world we all live in the meaning of service

[breathless]

Adonis - Neat piece, but there were some detractions, like the juxtaposed tone of knocking bootsz and using the word betwixt, and using smoke twice in a row. Mostly I was yearning for more detail in what you meant, I couldn't figure if the dragon stuff was fully metaphorical, or meant to be literal

PAt - this is the pat work I remember, I could actually hear this all the way through. The use of names was nice in that it wasn't overdone, but enough to differentiate. I got a strong feeling of social anxiety portrayal in a rather mundane scenario, and it was spot on.

Killed it with these

patiently waiting for a white knight to placate her needs her twighlight sihoulette playing pictionary
outlining the worlds flaws in her silent script that varied

Vote - Pat

[Mr. J]

This was quite the battle of wits..so to speak
I feel both writers are of equal talent and think alike
Although outside of the arena show different tactical poise
I can see Adonis taking this at first until the end
there is this certain lag in his verse that seemed underdeveloped to end so abrupt
maybe its me and I don't quite "get" his take on the end
but it does seem bland nonetheless..not BAD if you think that's the case
just lacking the spark to the fire...nice flow to start though
pat, I could say I'm a fan of your work and that youtend to do well
but you also seem to lag it is on again of again. I feel mid verse recaptured what I would like to see
and it brpught your verse back to a shining moment of mediocrity
just kidding...but nicely done on your verse sir...papa likes
my vote on the other hand is tough to hand out
I feel both have done quite well with what they can do
and deserve a by...but that won't happen
honestly I'm gonna give this to patrown
his verse seemed to resonate more to me

[dead man]

patrown's verse seemed like a discourse on psychosis. this girl seems lost in thought over her own self situated relative to the world. she's drinking to escape the divide. then you opened it up into something a little wider, a perspective on humanity, sin, and service. a lot seemed introduced but nothing felt concluded or explored. loose end syndrome to a moderate extent. who is this woman and why are you using her as an example of what's clearly a larger set of values you're trying to communicate?

i liked your writing. you keep a solid pace and know how to use your space effectively. i just needed more clarity here.

adonis, i still am trying to polarize pride and originality in a way that makes sense in my head. is it shameful to be original? why must these ideals be juggled.. i saw lots of polar constructs that signified your mainframe identity crisis idea but like patrons, nothing felt accomplished. i found it difficult to take anything of lasting value from your verse because beyond the solid writing and picturesque description it was tough to break the mold for me here. i think some of the metaphorical content may have gone over my head. who is this female naked enemy? the difficulty of accurately evoking emotional reaction to writing is a concept i picked up on but i couldn't focus on a single stream. i think both of you struggled this week with clarity in regards to the topic itself and hopefully you both make it to playoffs and have a chance at contributions that live up to the obviously dope ass potential you both possess in written form. oh and your brother's beat tape was ill man. props

gotta give it to patrown this week.

thanks guys.




1

[NYCSPITZ]

v/ Patrown

I liked this battle. Patrown provided a dope lil character sketch and ended with a little flourish of profundity and like black said it was a lil open ended and vague but imo this worked to your benefit in a way. Let the reader find out for himself and shit. Adonis obvi a strong writer but your verse was a little too cryptic for me this week and that might just be a fault with me and not you because your writing is dope, just felt a bit disconnected to me this week is all. Good writers and a good battle

[e11even]

Two completely opposing styles.

Adonis- I know for a fact I don't completely understand your route of thought in this piece, as both your language and angle are more abstract than need be. However, this was a very clean read. I feel like there was a large part of the story untold with the girl along with some kind of stronger relation to the topic. This felt incomplete, as I didn't pull much away from it other than an eloquent ramble that didn't quite reach a climax or resolution. Overall, well structured and strong vocabulary imo.

Patrown- I am a sucker for stories, as I am equally guilty of sticking to that myself. However, in this case your effort was not as polished as the usual I know you for in terms of flow execution. I liked the complexity you brought to the character, but the story fell into an abstract finish which kinda killed what it seems you were trying to do with he topic. That said, good attempt, but was nowhere near the level you are capable of.

This is the third rewrite I've had to write. Fuck. Due to better execution despite the fact that both didn't quite deliver on their stories, MVGT Adonis for better buildup and structure.

[Nigma]

Adonis, I enjoyed the general tone of the piece and was left with the picture of a smokey landscape, cracked soil, ravaged by dragons. Felt like you could have broadened some concepts out to further develop the verse, your top speed momentum seemed a biiiit low in this. 'Restricted by the shackles he polished' line is one that sticks out, in that it could have reworded to make a bit more sense. Still had some top notch imagery and consistent flow to make it read nicely

patrown, your character description was on point here. Did a good job getting into the characters head and propose a believable train of thought.

"patiently waiting for a white knight to placate her needs
her twighlight sihoulette playing pictionary
outlining the worlds flaws in her silent script that varied
between quiet praise and fear of violent days our minds display"

Thought that section was nice, worlds flaws line one of the better in the verse.


Felt as though Patrown had more substance to his verse. He put more thought into what he wanted to write about before he started the verse and took concepts to a broader scope, diving deeper then Adonis this week

+1 Patrown

[Frank]

Vote - Adonis

Patrown had one of the more memorizing opening lines in recent memory but his verse could not capitalize on that great opening line. the verse became choppy in it's coherency as it made it's final destination with a majority of the finale lacking any solid rhyming. donis had the more overall complete verse.

[Certain]

Adonis: This probably was about you, but I felt like it was about me. I connected to it a lot in that way. On first read, I didn't connect the thoughts well enough. But deeper readings led me to believe this verse basically was about the sellout aspects of competitive writing and the difficulty in being true to yourself while still writing verses for judgment. There were about five or six lines I didn't quite connect, though, which is the difficulty with writing a more abstract verse in these leagues (and of course directly ties to your approach to the topic). I also wish your rhymes and schemes were stronger. There can be beautiful poetry amid complex rhyme schemes, and using those is essential in these leagues. But you, like I just wrote about Diode, balanced that here with better-than-normal cadence.

patrown: So you wanted some thoughts on character development, then you spent the first half of your verse doing a very strong job developing a character. From the first line all the way through the pictionary line, you really had me here. But the key was that this verse needed to go somewhere, and it simply didn't. There was something to say about disillusionment and our lack of place in the world, and you seemed to be building toward it, but then you let your verse fall into a somewhat lazy finish. The last eight lines didn't feel in-step with the rest of your verse because you cast aside subtlety and seemed to try to turn this story into a something else entirely, perhaps a meditation on conspiracy theories? I'm not even sure. The writing was a bit broken from that point, and you lost the soul of the girl you had developed so well in the early going, which was a real disappointment.

Vote: Adonis