Week 2 - Vulgar (1-0) vs. NYCSPITZ (1-0) - VULGAR WINS 7-5

[Mike Wrecka]

Season 2

Rules

Verse Due Date - Thursday 23:59 PST

Voting Deadline - Sunday 23:59 PST

Line Limits - 16 - 48 Max can be higher if both agree

Voting - Must vote on 3 battles and post voting links in this thread , preferably edit it in the check in

If you don't vote on 3 battle you will be given a loss
If you lose by votes and don't vote on other battles you receive a one week suspension


Topic

Winners never quit, and quitters never win. - Vince Lombardi




Good luck @Vulgar @NYCSPITZ

[NYCSPITZ]

http://www.netcees.co/showthread.php?t=21775

http://www.netcees.co/showthread.php?t=21766
http://www.netcees.co/showthread.php?t=21763

[NYCSPITZ]

Maple leaves on sidewalk stone, this reed is a force
moving mortar; these Autumn red crowns seethe on the floor.
Some turn, showing a pale gold regal decor
as joy leaves the tree which barely even breathes anymore...
a couple sit on the park bench - he's seen it before
He's seen suppressed rage morph into a vehement roar.

Life slithered and crawled and tittered and teemed on his skin
middle aged at ninety-four years...he needed a friend.
They say orange and yellow used to be his seasonal trend
'til the Summer he met Sam. When the bleeding began.
He knew before that certain humans sensed the beat of his ken
...samaras spiraled close to show he'd like to meet them again
it was a decades long game...
one he needed to win.
He was green. That summer breeze carried spiritual zest
When Sam and Mary came gaping at his miracle crest
veiny, fingery apex. Vibe bitter and stressed.
"Hey there tree," Sam said. The mirrors reflect.
A drawn pocketknife. Hearted initials seared on his flesh.
they loved watching birds fly - he had a peer to connect.
Sam lived a hop South and just a veer to the left.
Started coming alone and brought a trace of fear with his breath.
Which disappeared when they communed. Two sentient beings.
with heightened awareness, calm and a penchant for dreams
Sam sat on his trunk for hours, talked and rested his knees
the corrugated bark soothed Sam and left him at ease.
One night Sam came to him wheezing, his hand carried his chest
followed by a group of twenty-odd various men.
their cone tipped robes exuded some nefarious zen
one of them paused...stepping forward to herald his death
"..nigger you're never gonna be seeing my Mary again"
and just as he was hung, and tears dripped from his face
Sam's final clarion call: the helpless script of his rage.

Maple leaves on sidewalk stone, this reed is a force
moving mortar; these Autumn red crowns seethe on the floor.
Some turn, showing a pale gold regal decor
as joy leaves the tree which barely even breathes anymore...
a couple sit on the park bench - he's seen it before
He's seen suppressed rage morph into a vehement roar.





.

[Vulgar]

"Why'd you kill yourself, Abe?" said a deep, celestial voice
"Before you rest in the void, do explain your measure of choice"
Abe squinted through the blinding light,
looked around like 'Why is hell so plain?'
considering the lack of brimstone suspicious. Bullet-hole in his skull leaking yet felt no pain
Abe stammered back, "Wait, are you God? Well...I mean...I just gave up.
I was bankrupt, I was shamed, stuck in such a restrained rut...
I guess it's too late, huh?
My wife stabbed me in the back... not literally, I hid the kitchen knives
Told me to eat shit & die,
she took the kids & vied to never return, it was a stiff surprise
I stared down the barrel for what seemed like millennia
and the red imp on my shoulder blade chirped: "Nobody will remember ya."
I was a has-been, blasted, a hopeless, self righteous freak..."
then God interrupted, "Abe, there is a certain individual I think you'd like to meet"
Out of the clouds strolled another Abe, a mirror image yet dressed nice and sleek
He had a sad look in his eyes -- Abe thought angrily, what did this imposter look to provide!?
His other self spoke gently,
"I got back together with our wife, reclaimed the business and kids"
"What?! How?"
"You weren't bankrupt, dumb ass. All you had to do was file the simplest shit."
"Is that so?" asked Abe, tears welling up, he grew dizzy & started to sway
screamed and cursed frantically, "Those IRS scam artists will PAY!"
"Listen Abe, it's over now. This is my life now. You've been there."
All of a sudden the devil whispered and a pistol appeared out of thin air
"Abe, I know what you want to do with that gun," said God
The Devil interjected "...and if you don't, you'll be hellishly bored!"
Abe replied "I have no reason to exist on Earth, nor this dimension no more"
He raised the gun to his temple and ...
"NOOOO!!!" cried his other self,
and in attempt to save Abe he took a bullet to the chest & fell to the floor

The most curious thing happened when Abe vanished from the afterlife, back to his house
His kids were fast asleep, & there were no bloodstains splashed on the couch
Abe exhaled with relief, felt immense joy, but then there was a malicious twitch at his mouth
"...it appears I've reincarnated in order to invest in a purpose..."
On his lap was his old pistol. He locked and loaded, headed for Internal Revenue Service.

[Scripter]

Wow this is hard to decide both pieces were excellent....
Both had great flow and structure.

NYCSPITZ - I thought you had a very poetic approach on this. The story was dramatically heart felt and was very controversial. A couple who kept trying even in the faces of adversity, brought the topic alive in a very interesting and unexpected way.
You did a good job of connecting the plot to the story as well as addressing the coming and going of life.

I thought you had a very elegant opening which gave the piece tempo and feel.

"Maple leaves on sidewalk stone, this reed is a force
moving mortar; these Autumn red crowns seethe on the floor.
Some turn, showing a pale gold regal decor
as joy leaves the tree which barely even breathes anymore...
a couple sit on the park bench - he's seen it before
He's seen suppressed rage morph into a vehement roar."

Here is my favorite part of your piece. It describes the love the couple had for each other and also begins to explain the stress and pain the couple went through just to be together, which to me was very Romeo and Juliet.

"When Sam and Mary came gaping at his miracle crest
veiny, fingery apex. Vibe bitter and stressed.
"Hey there tree," Sam said. The mirrors reflect.
A drawn pocketknife. Hearted initials seared on his flesh.
they loved watching birds fly - he had a peer to connect.
Sam lived a hop South and just a veer to the left.
Started coming alone and brought a trace of fear with his breath."


Vulgar - I like your story very much it had a after life consequential approach to it. I liked the twists and turns you added in it kept feeling and helped to build suspense. You really are a excellent writer!

Your opening does a great job of describing giving up or quitting when things got rough.

"Why'd you kill yourself, Abe?" said a deep, celestial voice
"Before you rest in the void, do explain your measure of choice"
Abe squinted through the blinding light,
looked around like 'Why is hell so plain?'
considering the lack of brimstone suspicious. Bullet-hole in his skull leaking yet felt no pain
Abe stammered back, "Wait, are you God? Well...I mean...I just gave up.
I was bankrupt, I was shamed, stuck in such a restrained rut..."

I also liked how you twisted things around so that you could show the other side of what would of happened had he not given up, which gives proper analogy to the topic.

"Out of the clouds strolled another Abe, a mirror image yet dressed nice and sleek
He had a sad look in his eyes -- Abe thought angrily, what did this imposter look to provide!?
His other self spoke gently,
"I got back together with our wife, reclaimed the business and kids"
"What?! How?"
"You weren't bankrupt, dumb ass. All you had to do was file the simplest shit.""

My favorite part of your piece was the ending because it fulfills the cause and thought of action earlier on in the story.

"The most curious thing happened when Abe vanished from the afterlife, back to his house
His kids were fast asleep, & there were no bloodstains splashed on the couch
Abe exhaled with relief, felt immense joy, but then there was a malicious twitch at his mouth
"...it appears I've reincarnated in order to invest in a purpose..."
On his lap was his old pistol. He locked and loaded, headed for Internal Revenue Service."

Overall both pieces were very thought provoking, which made this very hard to decide.
I think I will go with Vulgar due to his flexibility and twists on the topic. Although I thought this was very close in my opinion. Great job to both of you.

Vote - Vulgar

[breathless]

Excellent work, both of you, but for me there was a clear winner

Both had pretty evenly matched lyricism, multies, flow, all that shnazz, but as for what concept was gleaned from the Lombardi quote, NYC, that was some fine storytelling, shit, at first I was happy with it just being a tree's POV and what you did with that, but then you through some KKK shit in there and I was like OMG, SMH in disbelief that I couldn't come up with another abbreviation...
Fucking killed it, all the way through

And vulgar, yours was also pretty damn good and really the only complaint I have is the overuse of the name Abe... Shit just got weird sounding.

Due to the extreme creativity of NYC's tree POV of the KKK, and the Abe stuff

VOTE - NYC

[Zen]

NYC- Wow, just wow. Good drop here my friend. The story of this was excellent and it never slowed down but kept building and building until the end. Very nice. The strongest point of this was the flow. Without that flow to carry along this story it would have fell apart. Overall this was a great showing.
Vulgar- Fuuuuuuck. This was a crazy ass story right here. I agree with breathless the constant use of Abe over and over got repetitive but that was no big deal to me because you had to use it. This piece here though is probably my favorite thing I've ever read from you. Seriously this shit is dope. Well done.

V/Vulgar BOTW

[Mike Wrecka]

holy shit fuck wow guys . this battle lived up to the hype. what an incredible battle. top five ive read in my life.

nyc - insane verse. like you could sell that verse somewhere good. i loved it. making a tree the main character and personifying the tree was an awesome idea. it worked brilliantly. and then adding the character sam to the mix was great. i like how they bonded. it felt genuine. ive often wondered what its like to be a tree lmao. but you brought that to life. ok on to the mechanics, they were very good. next level good. you have a strong use of multis, which I enjoy. i love multis and you used them well here. good vocab. great verse.

vulgar - ok after i read nycs i thought it was unbeatable here. but vulgar man you brought it. that verse was also a complex story involving a lot of emotions. it was the usual vulgar verse. it was better imo. i loved it tbh. the angel and devil on the shoulder concept is not a new one but i have never seen it done this well. the rhyme schemes were advanced and smooth. im impressed. one thing i didn't like was the very ending. i was like happy that the guy was going to get a second chance and live a happy life but instead he is going to fuck it up again. that might have a purpose and i see it, like we are bound to make the same or similar mistakes over and over again but it took away that happy emotional vibe that you had implanted in my sub conscious. and for that i didn't like it .


sick battle guys. real hard to vote. props to vote . thanks for the reads and i genuinely mean that.

vote - NYC

liked it as a whole just a tad better

[Certain]

NYCSPITZ: I don't know that I so much underestimated you as didn't understand how good you were. Man, the writing on this story was absolutely brilliant. Your phrasing is as good as anyone's on this board, with an eye for detail and subtlety that's right up my alley. I really, really enjoyed reading this verse, reading the way you spun interesting words together with so much clarity and precision. The use of an evolving rhyme for the first half of the second stanza was top-notch, as it transitioned from "teemed on his skin" to "rear with his breath" without ever missing a beat or seeming awkward. But as much as I appreciated the writing, the story was a bit flawed. I loved the idea of writing from from the tree's perspective and thought you executed that aspect really, really well. But you didn't do much to explain the story of Sam's lynching, so it felt sort of out of nowhere and much less effective than it could have been with a few subtle context clues as to why Sam was so stressed and fearful. I also thought you missed the opportunity to describe what the tree felt as the instrument of death for its closest "friend." But those are not major points, unlike my last issue: The relation to the topic was pretty weak. My guess is you were focusing on Sam being a winner because he didn't back down from the racists, but in telling the story from the perspective of the tree, that aspect never was clear. Even if it had been, that's a pretty loose association on a very strong topic. This is a very, very good verse, though. There's no way around it. Your writing and mechanics are as sharp as anything I've read here.

Vulgar: My initial reaction was to think the very lucid storytelling on display here was a major change of pace for you. I suppose in some ways it was. But thematically it fits right in with most of what you write, with the religious prosthelytizing and government distrust. The biggest change of pace might be the stripping down of the rhyme scheme. Several lines were very long, and the internal structures were not as complex as you often run with. That makes sense and helped you tell the story more naturally. I didn't care much about the content because your themes never completely resonate with me, but your execution of this pretty simple story was very strong. My bigger issue is that three-quarters of the verse was spent in an irrelevant dream. Instead of creating the world Abe lives in and explaining his stressors, you spent all of your time focusing on the ramifications of a decision he didn't actually make. The writing reminded me of Eyedea, which is as big a compliment as I can pay a rap storyteller. But I wish more of Abe's life had been developed. Still, it was nice to see you break out of your abstractions and into a traditional storytelling mode. You handled yourself like the elite writer you are.

I don't often write more than the two verse breakdowns, but I'm still torn on what to do here. I liked NYCSPITZ's verse more, though I did have a couple minor qualms with it. But there's no question in my mind that Vulgar was attacking the topic, while NYCSPITZ's verse almost could have been an old verse he had been holding on to. Relation to the topic is very important to me because it's what sets a topical verse apart from an open mic verse. This clearly was the battle of the week, though.

Vote: Vulgar

[Objective]

NYC: The first paragraph was fucking amazing. This is the NYC I remember from the ISTL. Pure dopeness man.

As I keep reading you continue to write a really thought out story with a tree as the main character that definitely stands out among, if not, your best work of writing so far. I thoroughly enjoyed how you wrote the story in an almost poetic way with a fluent flow and amazingly fitting words. I mean; you didn't even say they were racists or what the color of the robe were, you just described its shape and everyone knows exactly what you mean, that oozes craftmanship. My only issue with your verse is how it connects to the topic, it's kinda hard to find what you were going at to be honest. I think I might have an idea but I'm not really sure what you were going at tbh, some clarification in a PM would be awesome.

I loved the repetition of the first paragraph as the closure as well. It's really hard to make something like that work, but you managed to do it. DOPE shit, post it in the OM and you'll receive a HoF Nom from me.

Vulgar: You start off by engaging the reader into your world from the get go with a fluent rhymescheme/flow and introducing two of the main chracters along with the situation in the first two lines, very well done.

You continue to explain the sceneario extremely well rich of characters and interesting fantasy-like creatures such as the imp along with religious elements such as God etc. Interesting combination of creatures. The only issue I have with your story is how the other Abe managed to stop the bullet if the first Abe aimed it at his dome? Didn't dig the twist at the end that he went to the IRS with a pistol, personally I'd enjoy some more profound shit tbh but it's cool this way as well and I can easilly see where you went with the topic. Enjoyed the shit out of that.

Vote: This is extremely hard to vote on, this is the BOTW for me. The reason this is extremely hard to vote on is because NYC dropped a flawless verse, but it didn't really connect with the topic and Vulgars verse was really dope shit that still got outshined by NYC imo (mad props by NYC to do that, it's the first time I've seen someone do that), but Vulgars stuff had some minor questionable shit in it.

If this had been a regular topical battle with no assigned topic NYC would have gotten my vote, no doubt.. But seeing how I can't make it work with the topic given and Vulgar's strong and solid verse it edges it in his favor imo.

MVGT: Vulgar. EXTREMELY WELL DONE by both of you. That was some inspiring shit. Damn.

[Adonis]

Spitz - Dope verse, amazing imagery and flat out good fucking writing in general. There isn't one thing I hated, the entire verse start to end had solid flow, sick imagery, emotion and overall dopeness in words. Only negative thing i have is....Not sure how to tie this to topic, but top notch writing regardless.

Vulgar - Strong writing, enjoyable read with just a concept that's out there. Extremely different and you took a shot I feel. I loved the verse up until the end, wasn't fond of character going to the IRS. Everything else was far above average which for you I guess is normal?


BOTW for sure. Two verses that would have won verse everything I've read thus far.

In the end, I have to give this to NYC. Both had different takes on the topic, both executed at the highest of levels. but the deciding factor was the emotion I felt from I felt from the lynching, that and it was a twist I didn't see coming to be honest

NYCSPITZ

[Angkor]

NYCSPITZ - Mechanically speaking, this was vicious. Certainly has all the trademark of an established vet. Wording was great, flow was smooth so there's not much to complain in that dept. The story was an interesting one. Set in either late 1800's to early 1900, it tells the story of forbidden love, i believe - observed by a tree. At one point, i thought this was a creative take on Adam and Eve/original sin using slavery as a backdrop to provide the obvious social commentary on race and the mix 'breeding' of it all but that's probably way off. What i noticed, something that really stood out to me was the gradual bond between Sam and the tree - akin to the children short "The Giving Tree". Similiar to The Giving Tree, this tree provide a place of solace for the character. At the story's conclusion, u can almost feel the pain of the tree as the scene closes with a quiet lonely picture (cleverly using leaves as a pun ha). i thought it was very well written with just the right amount of descriptive language and emotive writing to maximize the message of the piece. illness.

Vulgar - While ur opponent went for a more dramatic route, you took, what i can only describe as a parable route. To echo one voter's sentiment, i also felt this was a deviation from your usual super lyrical, allusions-laced commentary. But its not necessarily a bad thing. The plot here involves a character (Abe - probably some bible reference or something) who took his own life due to the strains of the world. While in the afterlife he met God, the Devil and his own doppelganger. After much quarrel, he was given a second chance at life. Unfortunately, the Devil won the tug-of-war and he decided to go Sandy Hook on the IRS, ending the story in a cliffhanger, ha. I'm not too clear on what is being communicated here. I'm not the type to get overly stuck on moral or ethic in a narrative but like what was the point of this story? in a nutshell its like - guy kill self. guy comes back. guy kills tormentor (in this case the IRS, i suppose). But like why?? You're the epitome of engima so i'm sure there's a reason behind the madness.


Vote - NYCSPITZ. I really didn't want to vote for him because i can't for the life of me figure out how his story connected with the topic but i felt it had a little more substance and purpose. Lyrically, both piece were on par, imo.

[Mr. J]

Damn this was a great battle I really enjoyed both.entries
you both added a great aspect and great characterization
bpth of you are great writers and brought a lot to the table here
enjoyable to say the least. the clashing of styles is great and shows skill
for me it boils down to who did best and even thats hard to state
I wish I could leave a more thorough vote here because you guys are great
to be honest I really enjoyed Vulgars piece it seemed as great as anything I read from him
NYC is a rare gem you rarely see post but technically great
Great battle fellas what can I say?



My vote boils down to storytelling though and I feel Vulgar tapped into that resource
tough decision at the end of the day too bad ties aren't possible or sudden death rounds

[Frank]

Vote - tie

had a well justified vote with a little quote from both but the phone hit backspace and I aint tryna contact metropcs to retrieve the lost data. I had a winner but in a contemplative moment of reflection on both submissions i gotta retract my earlier statement

[Split]

WOW.

one of my favorite pieces ever from NYC. your diction/ vocab is very characteristic, like a lake placid mug of hot chocolate. Imagery was spot on, and really built the plot at the same time while painting a picture.. I feel like the small verse at the beginning and end made this into sort a mobius strip story. we end up where we were but inverted. What is that type of poem, where you repeat the same two couplets in intervals but chnge the context evrry verse? this was a better version of that.

I imagine this was a really dark take on the giving tree. in that context it actually makes perfect sense lol, like you took a prewritten story and simply fleshed it out with ideas. HOW VERY NOVELIST OF YOU. pretty clever, next week ima do that with the Magic Treehouse


VULGAR.

lol. mindfuck. really dope take.. even a better devil/ god bargain idea than the Faustian bargain. did you come up with this yourself, the basic concept? very impressive. the writing was top notch as usual, too.. sometimes the rhymes felt a little forced and perhaps Zygote-esque in their plot over delivery style. nice, nonetheless.

While I really love NYC's verse, it really has nothing to do with quitting or winning or perserverance... which is a feat in itself. I appreciate his writing methods/ description s, but Vulgar definitely outwrote him in the battle sense.


V/Vulgar

[King Ra.]

I saved this one for last because it was BOTW, imo. Such a great match up early in the season between two heavyweights.

NYC, out of every writer I've read during my short time doing topicals, no one has such a clean & precise flow than you do, hands down. You just have this way of putting words together so fluidly and this is why I feel you're one of the best in the league. This piece was a great example. The I loved the vibe from this in the beginning, the repetition of the opening stanza at the end was cool and between that a very touching story between a man and a tree, and the POV of that tree was very unique and fresh take. You did great here. The ending was real controversial as stated before, that caught me by surprise but it added some fire to the vibe you had set. I have two knocks with this piece though: that part with Sam holding his chest & the KKK entourage closing him in and stuff, that really came out of nowhere especially with how everything was before that part. There was no link that I could connect that would give reason to why that happened, it feels like a very spontaneous thing happening so fast. The other knock is that the story doesn't resonate much with the topic, and I noticed that, too. If I am missing something, you did a hell of a job disguising it, but really, there is no connection to it. Aside from those two aspects, very excellent work.

Vulgar, this was a very new approach to me, as I have never really read any piece you written that had this much conversation in it, so this really peaked my interest. Diving in, I must say I came away impressed with how you were able to make all the conversating work between your main character & God. The story in itself was done very well, I wouldn't say on the level as some of your really good pieces are, but it was solid nonetheless. The ending was pretty cool. Very unexpected and unlike NYC's it wasn't random but very surprising. I loved that twist. As for the knocks, your piece wasn't as clean as NYC's, was a bit choppy here and there, and a few times I felt some lines could have been worded better. The Abe repeats didn't really bother me too much, though that could have been worked around better, but not really that big of a deal to me. All in all, great job here with this fresh spin.

These were two very well-written pieces and I feel both of you really flexed your writing muscles here. There is one factor here that decides it for me though. I feel NYC's piece, top to bottom, would earn him my vote hands down, despite that random change at the end of his story, but I also feel that he did not really touch on the topic given as Vulgar did and that alone is why I have to go with V, with a solid story and touching on the topic more than his opponent.

MVGT: Vulgar. Good job by both competitors.

[e11even]

I was literally writing my vote and i was two sentences away from completing it when it got erased. FUCK!. This will be the shortened version... pardon my short fuse.

NYC: High Points- Concept, flow, consistency overall, affected emotion and really drew in the reader, well crafted intro-body-closer layout. Superb.

Low Points- Off-topic

Vulgar: High Points- Concept, very involved story, good twists and turns, decent job at involving the reader, great utilization of topic. Well done.

Low Points- rhyme scheme a little less consistent and impressive than i'd like, a few detail inconsistencies(i.e. the shooting).


For me, this had to come down to a lasting impression. I liked both, but I had to go with my gut on this. Thank you guys for the great showing. Once again, sorry for the slimmed down vote.

NYC