TTT Round 1: Objective vs. Mr. J

[sral]

The Topical Tourney 2024



Due Dates:
Verses this week are due Thursday and will be open until Sunday.
Battles that lack votes may close later.
One sided battles may get closed early.
Extensions are 24 hours

Line Limit: 16 Minimum, 32 Maximum

Topic:


@Objective @Mr. J

[Objective]

Yes

[Mr. J]

Drenched in sweat he crept, 20 yards behind.
Blind, guided by scent, making it hard to hide.
Come along my pet, these are the thoughts I cried.
As each step echoed just beyond the pines.
Cr..aaaa..ck..ing like thin ice, the fault is mine.
Wind carries the silence that crawls at night.
Shaking my pets bell as if it's a call to dine...
If I can't outrun this shadow, perhaps a walk is fine?
One will never forget sacrifice for the greater good
Plus imagine how a survivors story will make it look?
And yet...hunger is not the quest..
There is more than pain behind the rotted flesh.
Cries of revenge hidden underneath toxic breath.
Blood clots & phlegm, now the calls begin..
Baaa...battling fears, our pace starts to skid.
Baaa...walking backwards, eyes wandering.
Baaa...silence...
I look to my pet...silence...
Baaa...
We can no longer out run my father...
I look to my pet They are coming to get you Barbara

wake up

[Objective]

Mindful of Paradox

As guest in the forest of vanity's land - where sanity can embrace its own gallows -
Ally follows a path to see where reality stand while chased by her shadow.



Leaves and trees whisper secrets.
Creatures, critters, scatter everywhere
when a brief breeze riddled in her ear:
"Why did you end up here?"

She retorts quickly but soft,
respectfully returning the words
with fauna for listeners as witness for thought.
"Besides herding this goat reserved for concerns
for when the order of this forest adjourns,
I'm cautious but stern for wisdom to learn, like:
Which burdens to burn. Why's my will the furthest to earn
a spot on my mind. Like, come on! Intention alone
wouldn't hinder amibition to blossom and shine?
Or am I, the lost child, shot blind on obvious
fourth wall plot crimes? Don't lie."

Ally's contorts blow through a network of life,
or absence of. The latter's what kept her alive.
Why she found shelter from light to begin with
is frighteningly grim, it's a child from within this
source only darkness can finish. A force that'll sin
through the worst open doors and change your whole image
soar through the thickets, logs, bushes and twiglets,
to leave her with this elusive reply she'll mourn, and then live with:

"You're seeking truth from deaths consciousness as it ponders its breath."

Now, more present in her life than ever
she's hugging her goat, play with his rear,
rubbing his coat and braiding the beard.
Then kept living like that
year after year,
after year.

~~~

[sral]

THIS BATTLE IS NOW OPEN FOR VOTES!!!

[Etherwave]

Mr J

So this gave me fever dream vibes.

[Drenched in sweat, he crept, 20 yards behind. <is this the girl speaking? Is She drenched in sweat as he follows, or is he drenched in sweat as he follows her?>
Blind, guided by scent, making it hard to hide.]
Felt like a strong beginning. Flowed really well together and was a great way to set the tone.

[Come along my pet, these are the thoughts I cried.
As each step echoed just beyond the pines.
Cr..aaaa..ck..ing like thin ice, the fault is mine.]
Personally didn't quite understand where it was going here, with the added character and declaring "come along my pet" as thoughts, implying plural, but It rolls off the tongue well. Is the animal the pet and the girl is calling it along. Is the animal calling the girl the pet? Or is the man calling the girl the pet. Whoever is narrating really changes the overall perception and interpretation. I'm guessing the girl is narrating. But then it makes me wonder is she saying a sweaty old man is following her. And the pet is the wolf? Which she is telling to come along as she tried to get away from the man? <I ask all because of curiosity and my investment in the story not as a criticism. >

[Wind carries the silence that crawls at night.
Shaking my pets bell as if it's a call to dine...
If I can't outrun this shadow, perhaps a walk is fine?] This is my favorite part. It's sounds like, just giving into/befriending your demons. It sounds like giving up, but it's more of a blissful surrender. I love that. However I'm again thrown off by my pet. Because again, I read it as a fever dream, so I just read it as if the wolf is observing and talking and leading the girl away from the man, either in safety (which I assume) or to an end.

[One will never forget sacrifice for the greater good
Plus imagine how a survivors story will make it look?
And yet...hunger is not the quest..
There is more than pain behind the rotted flesh.] Again this makes me think the wolf is narrating and calling the girl his pet. And leading the girl away. She doesn't know which to be more frightened of. The man or the wolf. And she is trusting the wolf and the wolf hints though it may seem bleak he does not necessarily have bad intentions, but yet, its still a wolf. [This
Cries of revenge hidden underneath toxic breath.
Blood clots & phlegm, now the calls begin..
Baaa...battling fears, our pace starts to skid.
Baaa...walking backwards, eyes wandering.
Baaa...silence...
I look to my pet...silence...
Baaa...
We can no longer out run my father...
I look to my pet*They are coming to get you Barbara]

This is where I get lost, literally loved the story no matter the interpretation, up until here. I see baaa, but I'm thinking wolf as it's a wolf in the picture. So I'm thinking baaa is like the wolf is...well a wolf in sheep's clothing. So I get the feeling the wolf WAS narrating. But whole time the man is the good guy trying to help the girl who is maybe sleep walking or something. Or in the dream she's confused. Idk. But the phlegm and what not. But then, bam, we can no longer outrun my father. Which is like, ohhh. Cause wait, so Barbara is narrating. And the baaaa is someone calling for Barbara.
But then Barbara looks at the animal and then who says "Barbara they're coming to get you."? So yeah, I read it like a fever dream. That was my interpretation..I don't know EXACTLY what the story actually was. But, I liked it. It was fun and flowed well together. Vocabulary wasn't bland and the imagery is really decent.






"As guest in the forest of vanity's land - where sanity can embrace its own gallows -
Ally follows a path to see where reality stands while chased by her shadow." That's a beautiful Tone setting introduction.

I interpreted this as a young girl just starting out in the world as an adult. She's in a city. The forest being a city, full of vain people. Maybe Hollywood or some shit.


Leaves and trees whisper secrets.
Creatures, critters, scatter everywhere
when a brief breeze riddled in her ear:
"Why did you end up here?"

She retorts quickly but soft,
respectfully returning the words
with fauna for listeners as witness for thought.
"Besides herding this goat reserved for concerns
for when the order of this forest adjourns,
I'm cautious but stern for wisdom to learn, like: (it's here when she starts to get disillusioned in my interpretation)

Which burdens to burn. Why's my will the furthest to earn
a spot on my mind. Like, come on! Intention alone
wouldn't hinder amibition to blossom and shine?
Or am I, the lost child, shot blind on obvious
fourth wall plot crimes? Don't lie." (Beginning to realize all the things she misunderstood or didn't know, also, it didnt roll off the tongue smoothly. Kinda felt like a stutter or too many syllables. Either fourth or plot drags it.)

Ally's contorts blow through a network of life,
or absence of. The latter's what kept her alive.
Why she found shelter from light to begin with
is frighteningly grim, it's a child from within this
source only darkness can finish. A force that'll sin
through the worst open doors and change your whole image
soar through the thickets, logs, bushes and twiglets,
to leave her with this elusive reply she'll mourn, and then live with:

"You're seeking truth from deaths consciousness as it ponders its breath." That's a lot to unpack. I don't even know if I have the brain power right now. Profound. Complete absence being aware of its absence is kind of like, this is a realm of opposites. Life doesn't exist without death, and up without down, and what not. So In my interpretation of this statement, Its more like she's trying to figure out life, but kind of like at the point of "what's the use". Maybe contemplating her mortality.

Now, more present in her life than ever
she's hugging her goat, play with his rear,
rubbing his coat and braiding the beard.
Then kept living like that
year after year,
after year.


I interpreted the goat throughout as kind of prendre la chevre or to take the goat, saying "whatever gets your goat". Basically signifying anger. So I interpreted the goat as their anger. All in all I think this was beautiful, with only one or two parts I thought the flow kind of...dragged, I don't know a better word.


Anywho, I don't know if my interpretations were correct, or if I even did this right, but I ain't never been scared to try and fail. So here you have it.

My vote is for objective. Although, both were great and had their strengths and weaknesses, I found Objectives a little easier to follow (even if my interpretation was incorrect, i was able to relate or see a clearer picture in it." All in all both were amazing and I am happy to have read them.

Obviously they were based on the picture. But I read them metaphorically, like I could find something real to relate them to.

[Candy]

mj:

man depicted the pic well.. can def feel like your on a hunt of some kind in the first bar.. i dunno if yall seen enemy at the gate but the vis hero goes through training just how you depict the scenary.. very colourful for the pallet is what im saying.. thoughts i cried dope line.. lol sfx was dope as fuck.. i put one in mine but it almost came off whimsical compared to that.. tight he he..
i gotta say structure on this so far is tight aswell what like 8th line in no fault.. keep it up.. the inner turmoil dope.. man this cool but its like an opener for something like if the topic was describe a topic to that picture that would be a 100% killer.. nothing wrong with the verse its just like a page turned in a book of rhymes instead of being a solid page in the book.. yeow mean.. its not just the size of the piece its the actions to they dont even qualify as lazy so you cant place it under the characters struggling.. n the emo though there i know you was making it snappy like a recoil but its like that ish came from his drool and the wind carries it in the snow then thats the cats whole story.. dope anyways the way you put it together just it walked into the wrong barn feel me..

ob:
chased by her shadow super fucken dope dude.. i wanted to chase along with the character.. dont want to be a fag or nothing but you mj's verse wrapped up in the first bar if it keeps going like this..
deep swallow for me on the whisper secrets it just rolls off the lips.. nice.. and so the story begins.. loven it.. or absence of his how you end a stanza.. it was a cliff hanger without being a forceable hollywood style cliche.. i loved the part where the reader walked through the worsed open door.. truley poetic.. back in the forest like you never left dope.. braiding its bear omg.. left me in ponder yall fucker.. lol that was the end real cool man, loved the story short but like a bed time story.. nothing too gory but playful while it kept its dark morbid approach..

vote = objective

ob was more solid something you expect to read in a battle like this with a cool topic like that.. gl guys

[Mike Wrecka]

Very close battle. I’ve had to re read the verses way too may times but i finally decided on a winner. And I have to say you guys both took very similar approaches to the topic. It almost felt like a collab. You both brought us into this dream world and sort of meandered around while describing it. I would have liked you both to have taken a more direct approach tbh but what you guys put down was strong.

Mr. J - upon my first glance your verse seemed simplistic because of the very short lines. But it actually had a strong scheme and cadence. I agree with ether that it seemed like a nightmare of an abused girl being chased by her father taking different forms stalking her through the woods. I liked it. And I really liked the ending.

Obj - while I didn’t love your take on the topic , I did love your mechanics. You showed up with some excellent multis. I know there was a brief period of time when we were in the same circle and I like to think my writing may have had some small influence on you creating your own style. As I see some similarities in our writing structure. This little trip through Narnia had great imagery but did kind of spin its tires a bit in a few spots. In 32 lines you have to drive the story forward at a faster pace than you did here. I don’t want to be overly critical just giving constructive criticism.


Overall - this could go either way really. I have to give the edge to objective simply because he had more length to his verse. Mr. J ending his at I believe 20 lines hurt him tremendously here.

Vote - Obj

[brokenhal0]

This was one of the more bizarre battles of the week, with both artists showcasing their imagination in abstract yet masterfully crafted ways.

MR J - Your verse was good, but it felt more like a story in a book rather than a rhythmic and percussive flow. The deep concepts, hidden subliminal messages, and allegory were great takes on the picture. However, the flow seemed literally story-driven. It was an interesting piece to read with a beat a good story with strange emotion and imagery of a fever dream/throw back horror
world building overall on point personally i like if you show cased more writing technique but it was a fun read.

OBJ - Your verse also gave me a bizarre and abstract feeling, similar to MR J's. This style is something you seem to master a bit better. You kept the rhyme scheme on the edge of sparing abstractive wordplay for sacrifice of poetic narrative. This is definitely your strong suit, you kept the bars clean and structured in a more hip hop way if one wants to call it that.

Vote: OBJ

[symetrik]

Mr. J:

Short and sweet, playing on the topic and night of the living dead which was cool - since it's a bit "ambiguous" of a topic (which to me is a boon for the ai generated stuff) and it wasn't just "oh it's CLEARLY a wolf", this was a great remix of the assumption a viewer would make of the topic.

While it didn't feel like it had a lot of depth to the story (in that it was sorta just a few moments in the walk), the transition was none the less cool, and the suspense (although improvable) was definitely felt.


Objective:
"Ally" immediately threw me the fuck off until I saw "her" and realized it's a valid (albeit disgusting) way to spell the name "Allie".

I love the story - it feels like she wanders down a dark path to determine some of life's questions, encounters a force of nature (death?) that lets her ask questions and responds in some abstract but revealing way.

The start of the piece is clear, the middle requires a few rereads (and is still a little hazier than I would like it to be on clarity), but the ending fucking rocked it (although... is she playing with the goat's ear or its rear? xD).

"to mourn, and then live with" is dope.

mvgt Objective.

[Dope girl]

MJ vs isn't bad it went very well
Emotions there.

Object vs very creative with topic I felt like he stay on topic compare to MJ

Vote-Object