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08-22-2021, 04:30 PM
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Senior Member
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 783
Battle Record: 2-1
Champed - Art of Writing League
Rep Power: 19584278   |
Forever’s Never Enough
DOL VERSE  It was a moment of freedom pure intoxication and lust. Bliss. No interruptions no budgets nor meetings to discuss. Just a swallow of wine, rain kissing the streets, as Billie Holidays sings, “There’s nothing sweeter than me”. Ambient jazz: the trolley tram rattles the tracks blowing it’s horn like a brass Patterson sax. Going nowhere fast on the Coltrane in the city Just me and my Cindy slowly dancing to Dizzy. A poetic release; so romantic and sweet. she’s holding me close while I’m plucking her strings. “Killing her Softly” with subtle intrigue. Love suddenly seems so obtainably near as cloudy skies open up and the sun reappears. The song comes to a pause. The needle’s lifted and stalled. And at the end of it all we are simply in awe at the tune that we made on Bourbon St and LePaul on that musical day in the middle of fall.
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08-22-2021, 11:28 PM
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#2 |
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low tide in serotonin bay
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 2,752
Battle Record: 37-28
Champed - GWL Picture Challenge
- Guerrilla Writing League
- Black August II
Rep Power: 15446146 |
Honestly this was amazing
Flowed beautifully through and through and painted an amazing picture, there’s pieces I run across that make me think “I have no business doing this” and this was definitely one of them |
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08-24-2021, 06:03 PM
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rhyme capsule.
Join Date: Sep 2018
Posts: 2,150
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i'll be back
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08-25-2021, 10:45 AM
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Senior Member
Join Date: May 2019
Posts: 566
Battle Record: 7-5
Champed - Guerrilla Writing League
Rep Power: 5689709 |
super cool! short and sweet.
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I remember the poplar trees |
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08-25-2021, 08:27 PM
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#5 |
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Junior Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 3
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The killing her softly line wasn’t only dope but also brought me back to the days of The Fugee’s washing me away in a rip tide of nostalgic memories. Beautiful vocabulary but more importantly choice of words. Imagery vividly played a movie in my mind. I also love the emotion my favorite part was
Love suddenly seems so obtainably near as cloudy skies open up and the sun reappears. It’s not that I thought it was technically better than the rest of the piece but the way it shared emotion that’s relatable to mostly everyone I’m sure. It was like a breath of fresh air or finding out that all hope wasn’t lost after all. I got no negative criticism. That was a great time, keep it up! |
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09-02-2021, 01:02 PM
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Member
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 53
Rep Power: 53114 |
Thought this was, simply put, beautifully written. I don’t think I read a verse as “poetic” as this by you before so it’s even more impressive. Also loved the killing me softly reference as it also fit the theme while still maintaining that obvious, nostalgic evocation. The ending was vividly descriptive and brought everything together really well with that poetic-tale. Hope to see this kind of approach more from you.
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09-04-2021, 01:03 AM
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SOBER
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 12,480
Battle Record: 2-5
Champed - AOWL Season 2
Rep Power: 85899407 |
~ambient jazz~
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Netcees 2025 Revivalist Movement Founder |
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09-19-2021, 07:10 AM
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Banned
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,956
Battle Record: 6 - 14
Rep Power: 0 |
Good stuff.
I liked it all but I'll highlight a couple lines where I loved the rhyme. Ambient jazz: the trolley tram rattles the tracks A poetic release; so romantic and sweet. Great openers for the stanzas. I enjoy those quick rhymes more than long bars with end-rhymes that take forever to get to. Good tone of jazz and romance. |
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