WEEK SEVEN CHAMP MATCH: UNIVERSE 6-0 vs SCAR 3-0 UNIVERSE WINS VIA NS OPEN FOR FEED

[Adverse]

AOWL Season IX WEEK SEVEN

@Scar @Universe

Verse Due: SUNDAY JANUARY 17TH @ 11:59PM EST


Line min: 10

Max: 60


Rules:http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=145451[/b]

Topic:



GOOD LUCK

[Universe]

Trilogy time... :)

Good luck, bro. Check.

[Scar]

Rubber match. Good luck brozzy

[Universe]

The Follower: Origin of a Monster

"I hear them,
The sound of your feet
As they pace
The creeks on the wooden floors
that speak of you"

- J. AnnRey, 'Lost at 3am'

......


Rancho Cordova, California - 1954

My thoughts were unraveling... As a scared child who is intertwined with death
I've always expected a nightmare in the flesh would get me while I slept
Hanging on by a thread... Fast forward gives us what we asked for
Half passed four I heard the monster creep in through the back door
Lightning flashed and thunder roared, its image left me in anguish, torn
Between a rock and a hard place - Intimidating in every shape and form
In a state of horror, those tattooed muscles nearly soaked my underwear
Was unfocused yet aware of footsteps slowly coming up the stairs
"You'll be silent forever and I'll be gone in the dark" he whispered all strange
Then vanished without a trace, a ski mask left behind in the hallway
Wasn't something I could explain; Three holes, fabric black as a hate crime
I stared at it, petrified yet infatuated at the same time
It painted a scar on me... Unable to bare it I sewed the mouth shut
Stowed it in a box for years and never once opened it up
Started to exercise, getting buff - Found my soulmate I suppose
Kathleen had a 9 year old son, Joseph, and I loved him like my own
She was my home, my humble abode... We were nothing crazy unusual
Unlike weight lifting routines we didn't work out; I'd love to say it was mutual
But I didn't save funds that were suitable... Guess she found a dick she preferred
Yet if you listened to my words you'd know she kicked me to the curb
Left on unfamiliar terms... I was invested but guess who lost the deposit?
That thought process made me grab the ski mask from a shoe box in the closet
Wiped dust off it and found the gun; I hadn't begun to prove it works
Closed my eyes and a few dispersed when visualizing what I'd do to her
Plans weren't a huge concern, there's no doubt that I had to get it right
I just wanted to scare the living daylights out of her in the dead of night
So I headed by her home while out of vision, being quiet as I browsed
Watching her go about her business from the ravine in behind her house
Waited for lights to turn out and curtains to be drawn over glass exits
Pulled on the ski mask right before I jimmied the lock to the back entrance
Careful not to track steps in, floor passed inspection - I've come prepared
Head weaving tales of this tight-knit family as I creeped right up the stairs
Felt like a creep staring at Joseph... Taking masks off are a cheap unveiling
Something beneath the sheets was flailing as I watched him between the railing
I must've seemed like I was in jail... My brightest moment was his darkest hour
I peeked into Kathleen's bedroom - She was asleep with her boyfriend's arm around her
Found it odd that I thought of my mother... Call it childhood withdrawal
Then I heard the sound of Joseph's voice filter in from across the hall
He muttered something through clenched teeth, like a mantra never released
I went down the corridor to the bedroom, curiosity got the better of me
"You'll be silent forever and I'll be gone in the dark" he repeatedly prayed
He needed the phrase; the worst part was he said it to keep me away
What happens when you become what you're afraid of? Don't we grow from what we witness?
Don't we all do this? Isn't that the ultimate coping mechanism?
Fear breeds like bacterial binary fission, yet the target's not certain
It isn't nature or nurture - What frightens us determines who we are as a person
I'm a father for better or worse... There's no option to ignore age
Altering my face, I took off the ski mask and dropped it in the doorway
An inherited rage; A chain without links brings you straight to the brink
I left without incident; These things don't always end the way that you think
Not everything turns to murder... Torture is bloody and rape's gory
But this was never going to be that - This was a coming of age story
They say we all reap what we sew, so I’m a frayed intricate loop knot
Joseph will pick up the ski mask shortly and place it in a shoe box
He'll become what he fears, a timid psycho; Broken is how he'll spend his life
In infinite fights until fatherhood, a vicious cycle with no end in sight
If you've never met your role model, how can you say you're your dad's height?
Cloaked in responsibility, the dark corners of the mind illuminate with flashlights
Days are a mask; Nights are filled with fear you vacate in a past life
I hope he doesn't stray from the track... But two footsteps do not make a path...

Right?

https://www.lamag.com/longform/in-th...s-of-a-killer/

[fraze]

Originally Posted by Universe

The Follower: Origin of a Monster

"I hear them,
The sound of your feet
As they pace
The creeks on the wooden floors
that speak of you"

- J. AnnRey, 'Lost at 3am'

......


Rancho Cordova, California - 1954

My thoughts were unraveling... As a scared child who is intertwined with death
I've always expected a nightmare in the flesh would get me while I slept
Hanging on by a thread... Fast forward gives us what we asked for
Half passed four I heard the monster creep in through the back door
great opening setup. thoughts unraveling, scared, intertwined, nightmare, slept. hanging thread, monster creep. love the intentionality in word choice, sets a clear tone for the piece with great flow and internals
Lightning flashed and thunder roared, its image left me in anguish, torn
Between a rock and a hard place - Intimidating in every shape and form
In a state of horror, those tattooed muscles nearly soaked my underwear
Was unfocused yet aware of footsteps slowly coming up the stairs
good scene work. reads like a horror movie. cool pic tie in with tattoos
"You'll be silent forever and I'll be gone in the dark" he whispered all strange
Then vanished without a trace, a ski mask left behind in the hallway
Wasn't something I could explain; Three holes, fabric black as a hate crime
I stared at it, petrified yet infatuated at the same time
like the dialogue. cool tie in. like the way you're setting this up.
It painted a scar on me... Unable to bare it I sewed the mouth shut
Stowed it in a box for years and never once opened it up
Started to exercise, getting buff - Found my soulmate I suppose
Kathleen had a 9 year old son, Joseph, and I loved him like my own
uh oh. shit just got real. exercise bit feels a little out of place. maybe you'll come back to it
She was my home, my humble abode... We were nothing crazy unusual
Unlike weight lifting routines we didn't work out; I'd love to say it was mutual
But I didn't save funds that were suitable... Guess she found a dick she preferred
Yet if you listened to my words you'd know she kicked me to the curb
work out flip is nice. last 2 break up lines feel a little flat given the emotional surface area but still has cool flow & does the job
Left on unfamiliar terms... I was invested but guess who lost the deposit?
That thought process made me grab the ski mask from a shoe box in the closet
Wiped dust off it and found the gun; I hadn't begun to prove it works
Closed my eyes and a few dispersed when visualizing what I'd do to her
i see invested/deposit. and nice multis. like the flow changes
Plans weren't a huge concern, there's no doubt that I had to get it right
I just wanted to scare the living daylights out of her in the dead of night
So I headed by her home while out of vision, being quiet as I browsed
Watching her go about her business from the ravine in behind her house
this section feels like it could have been tighter. living daylights is effective, the rest could have been more direct to keep up the pacing. you're writing a thriller, can't lose momentum
Waited for lights to turn out and curtains to be drawn over glass exits
Pulled on the ski mask right before I jimmied the lock to the back entrance
Careful not to track steps in, floor passed inspection - I've come prepared
Head weaving tales of this tight-knit family as I creeped right up the stairs
picked back up here. nice flow transition and weaving/tight knit tie ins
Felt like a creep staring at Joseph... Taking masks off are a cheap unveiling
Something beneath the sheets was flailing as I watched him between the railing
I must've seemed like I was in jail... My brightest moment was his darkest hour
I peeked into Kathleen's bedroom - She was asleep with her boyfriend's arm around her
nice reflection back to the beginning of the piece. railing/jail is cool. rest is moving the story along but feels light
Found it odd that I thought of my mother... Call it childhood withdrawal
Then I heard the sound of Joseph's voice filter in from across the hall
He muttered something through clenched teeth, like a mantra never released
I went down the corridor to the bedroom, curiosity got the better of me
cool setup.
"You'll be silent forever and I'll be gone in the dark" he repeatedly prayed
He needed the phrase; the worst part was he said it to keep me away
What happens when you become what you're afraid of? Don't we grow from what we witness?
Don't we all do this? Isn't that the ultimate coping mechanism?
Fear breeds like bacterial binary fission, yet the target's not certain
It isn't nature or nurture - What frightens us determines who we are as a person
deep. i appreciate the philosophical angle. full circle to earlier dialogue with the roles switched with the opposite meaning (threat/fear to prayer/protection). while also full circle in becoming what you fear. also fate/fear connection
I'm a father for better or worse... There's no option to ignore age
Altering my face, I took off the ski mask and dropped it in the doorway
An inherited rage; A chain without links brings you straight to the brink
I left without incident; These things don't always end the way that you think
Not everything turns to murder... Torture is bloody and rape's gory
But this was never going to be that - This was a coming of age story
i like how you did this. leaned into the obvious direction to set up a contradiction to the expected horror ending
They say we all reap what we sew, so I’m a frayed intricate loop knot
Joseph will pick up the ski mask shortly and place it in a shoe box
He'll become what he fears, a timid psycho; Broken is how he'll spend his life
In infinite fights until fatherhood, a vicious cycle with no end in sight
reap what you sew is dope. nice closure for the verse up to this point. this almost feels like where the verse should end, but lets see where else you go
If you've never met your role model, how can you say you're your dad's height?
Cloaked in responsibility, the dark corners of the mind illuminate with flashlights
Days are a mask; Nights are filled with fear you vacate in a past life
I hope he doesn't stray from the track... But two footsteps do not make a path...

Right?
this is ok. have some more thriller tie ins but falls a little flat. feels like the last two stanza should have been reversed for impact, but i get how you did this to end over the pause

nice verse man, you put together a quality story executed to the technical standards of a champ match. i would have to nitpick to offer much criticism, you're clearly a capable writer, and this is one of my favorite verses i've read from you. creative and absurb but transformed through writing to make it feel familiar and relatable.

good job man, sad to see you sign out.

[MMLP]

That mask lol, looks a carbon copy to the one Stanley hipkiss donned lol. Gonna give ya some play by play decent feedback since youre signing out. Detailed, honest critique incoming. im expecting dopeness tho

One key component to producing a great long verse (as you do) is to have some sort of enticing start, whether it be content wise, technical, challenging, mysterious etc.. which u did!!!… Usually with you there’s more antics going on and links and titles etc lol…. I just wanna get stuck in you know? you know this lol, said it often enough, never affects my viewpoint of your stuff after reading though. just a personal preference I guess (EDIT: I see why you did this tho)

There’s soo much word association going on here to admire (too many to highlight), direct tie ins to the pic (edit: throughout) at the start whilst painting this narrative, digging this..

NITPICKING: the ‘didn’t work out’ punchline ive heard a few times, not gonna lie mate but it doesn’t bother me, I appreciate subtle wordplay and punches within a piece, hard to do, u do it a few times in this. Mine (punchy schemes) for example are obvious n spoon fed, I just hate the idea they might slip past ppl haha

I get the feeling this was written much faster than your usual stuff, like ahh sod it , get it out the way yet it’s coming together very smoothly and engaging. Top tier writing all round (except a few mismatching syllables, shhhh lol)

I just wanted to scare the living daylights out of her in the dead of night

My brightest moment was his darkest hour

quite a few quotables throughout tbf…..


ah another link lol…. so you’ve twisted a real story into your own, a trademark for you. talking about the (step?)dad who created this killer and why hes so messed up in the first place, that’s pretty smart and left-field.

GREAT storytelling piece, top stuff, I honestly enjoyed it tbf


Come back soon @Universe