WEEK SEVEN: PHARAOHS ARMY 3-3 vs ADVERSE 0-1 ADVERSE WINS

[Adverse]

AOWL Season IX WEEK SEVEN

@Pharaohs Army @Adverse

Verse Due: SUNDAY JANUARY 17TH @ 11:59PM EST


Line min: 10

Max: 60


Rules:http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=145451[/b]

Topic:



GOOD LUCK

[Pharaohs Army]

Extendo

[Adverse]

Agreed

[Pharaohs Army]

His eyes on the prize as he tries to keep the culture alive.
He worries the culture could die. If everyone played their part the culture would thrive.
So he throws on a beat from days gone back.
Gets nostalgic when he plays the track.
Reminds him of his days as musician.
Few listened, so appeasing himself and a few friends became the new mission.
But he couldn’t capture his true vision, and stopped recording songs.
(And he was Not recording long.)
Years later. Growth as a writer.
A known fighter, lighting his own fire.
Not a dissident.
An ardent participant.
He’s a caged bird, but his headphones set him free to listen with.
One or two girls, over the years he was smitten with.
Now he asks where his 20’s went. It’s a fasttrack, isn’t it?
As he conjures worlds and slays biographers,
promotes satire, but avoids photographers.
..Back in the booth. Attempting to rap the truth.
We all take breaks but this could happen to you.

[Adverse]

My aching bones hum hymns of restlessness
Every beat of my heart longs to be wherever the adventure is
Cemented feet so my spread-out wings couldn’t carry me far
This room has become my prison, a terrarium in a jar
I inspect the bars, without grasping the fragility of my glass reality
Every time I make a break for the light the demons drag me back down - it’s crab mentality
My perception is lost inside of me, I’ve lost my senses, too
You could never see the world as bleak as these aqua lenses do
Idle hands do the devils bidding, I try my best to stay busy
Distracting from the fact that I could do ANYTHING in the world
......as long as it fits inside this cage with me
I tweet the tunes loudly when the crowd’s gone, whenever I’m alone
I’m forced to stay here day to day but I’m afraid it’ll never be a home
Daily I learn the lesson as my hands are stretching for the stars
That this room’s become a prison, and depression’s standing guard
Making his rounds back and forth hear him pacing up the halls
I try and plan an escape route, but there’s nothing to face but these four walls
I’ve fought stagnancy head on until my bones were weak
Now I’m ready to fall into the remains of who I used to be, as a broken me
....
For everyone who wished on me to fail this it their favorite scene
La da di di da
I finally understand why the caged bird sings..

[Universe]

Pharaohs Army:

Liked the opening bar - Simple but with a strong message behind it. Good start. This is actually the theme for the entire verse. Fairly elementary rhyming but a very strong message behind it. I DID like this, but some of your wording didn't drag me into the vibe... it actually accomplished the opposite and pulled me out of it...

Eg.

"Reminds him of his days as musician"

- Forgetting the "a" seems like a minor thing, but it makes this line seem mechanical. It's SO important to proofread.

"Years later. Growth as a writer.
A known fighter, lighting his own fire."

- "Growth as a writer" as a statement all it's own doesn't resonate with anyone. It's like a cliff note... drains all the emotion out of it. Give us DETAIL, not point form notes.

This was much better...

"He’s a caged bird, but his headphones set him free to listen with.
One or two girls, over the years he was smitten with.
Now he asks where his 20’s went. It’s a fasttrack, isn’t it?"

- Clear and to the point. Reads well.

Again, I dug the message behind this but couldn't quite get passed the basic rhyming and mechanical approach.

p.s. Bugs buzzed in the shrubs


Adverse:

So glad to see someone use the word "terrarium" lol. Never hear it enough... like gargantuan.

Anyway, strong stuff as always. The prison metaphors were littered throughout but to me this is mostly about isolation and ones ability to escape any physical situation if they let their imagination take them elsewhere. I think you nailed that aspect.

"My perception is lost inside of me, I’ve lost my senses, too
You could never see the world as bleak as these aqua lenses do"

- This was an impactful line. Sort of talking to the reader directly, very meta, liked it.

Your verses BEG to be read more than once. And not in a 'finish it and re-read' way; more like a read one bar then re-read it way. Your words DEMAND a second viewing - and that's always a sign of a deeper mind, and a writer willing to be vulnerable... Which is the mark of any good writer.

"Daily I learn the lesson as my hands are stretching for the stars
That this room’s become a prison, and depression’s standing guard"

- LOTB ^^ Loved this in every way.

Great job overall my dude.

Enjoyable read guys. PA def had something to say here but he was overpowered in almost every category when you really break it down. This went as expected.

Vote - Adverse

[fraze]

Originally Posted by Pharaohs Army

His eyes on the prize as he tries to keep the culture alive.
He worries the culture could die. If everyone played their part the culture would thrive.
would have like more variety in word choice here
So he throws on a beat from days gone back.
Gets nostalgic when he plays the track.
Reminds him of his days as musician.
Few listened, so appeasing himself and a few friends became the new mission.
simple rhymes but you're moving the story forward well
But he couldn’t capture his true vision, and stopped recording songs.
(And he was Not recording long.)
Years later. Growth as a writer.
A known fighter, lighting his own fire.
Not a dissident.
An ardent participant.
He’s a caged bird, but his headphones set him free to listen with.
nice pic tie in. Cool rhyming
One or two girls, over the years he was smitten with.
Now he asks where his 20’s went. It’s a fasttrack, isn’t it?
As he conjures worlds and slays biographers,
promotes satire, but avoids photographers.
..Back in the booth. Attempting to rap the truth.
We all take breaks but this could happen to you.
nice ending.

Liked your pic interpretation, made it relatable to all writers. Rhyming was up and down but above average overall. Well done piece for the length. Thanks for the good read.

Originally Posted by Adverse

My aching bones hum hymns of restlessness
Every beat of my heart longs to be wherever the adventure is
liked this
Cemented feet so my spread-out wings couldn’t carry me far
This room has become my prison, a terrarium in a jar
I inspect the bars, without grasping the fragility of my glass reality
Every time I make a break for the light the demons drag me back down - it’s crab mentality
cool metaphor
My perception is lost inside of me, I’ve lost my senses, too
You could never see the world as bleak as these aqua lenses do
Idle hands do the devils bidding, I try my best to stay busy
Distracting from the fact that I could do ANYTHING in the world
......as long as it fits inside this cage with me
liked this
I tweet the tunes loudly when the crowd’s gone, whenever I’m alone
I’m forced to stay here day to day but I’m afraid it’ll never be a home
Daily I learn the lesson as my hands are stretching for the stars
That this room’s become a prison, and depression’s standing guard
a little lighter in this section but still ok
Making his rounds back and forth hear him pacing up the halls
I try and plan an escape route, but there’s nothing to face but these four walls
I’ve fought stagnancy head on until my bones were weak
Now I’m ready to fall into the remains of who I used to be, as a broken me
....
For everyone who wished on me to fail this it their favorite scene
La da di di da
I finally understand why the caged bird sings..
cool closing

Very solid technically. Well written with a solid narrative. A different take than PA but I liked your approach. Only complaint I have is the tone is down the whole piece, would have been nice to see a twist at the end or more of a high point to start from for contrast. Ending feels a little cliche but its a great pic tie in.

Vote: Adverse This is a very close battle to me. Both did a good job tying in the pic and have good verse technically. I liked the angle PA took and don't really have much bad to say about it, but the rhyming seemed like it slipped in the middle. I like Adverse's use of metaphor through out and his rhyming was a little stronger. I didn't like his ending as much, but thought he had a slightly stronger piece overall.

[Objective]

P.A.: "the repetition of the word" culture" was used a bit much in the opening lines for me, beside of that I like where you're going with this. "Recong songs/recording long", repetition doesn't work here either. What you're saying is dope just not the way you're saying it sometimes... Try to refrain from repetition unless you got a crystal clear reason for doing so in a stylistic fashion, it doesn't seem to serve anything here, unfortunately. Story and concept is cool imo, spend a bit more time polishing and you'll have something solid. As it stands now with the repetition and at times awkward pacing which could be helped with a longer verse going through his 20s and the road to where he's at now. Relatable af, wish you had spent a lil bit more time on it though and posted some of a higher quality like I've seen you do in the past.

Adverse: cant really get restlessness/adventure is to flow off the tongue that well (it kinda works but... It's your opener,you know?) but I enjoy the intro and what you're saying here, just a bit lackluster in terms of execution. The next lines is better in terms of this.

Daily I learn the lesson as my hands are stretching for the stars
That this room’s become a prison, and depression’s standing guard
^dopeness, really enjoyed this couplet.

"up the halls/but these walls" would flow better than "but these four walls" imo. Like the content tho

Cool closure.

Vote: mvgt Adverse. The way he attacked this topic was a bit more fleshed out and conclusive than Pharaoh's, but Pharaoh's could have snatched it with a smoother pacing to the story and working on the kinks like repetition etc.

OK battle (I'm critical) cus I've definitely read better from both, and I think you guys know you've done better in the past as well.

[MMLP]

first off im not digging that topic image so good luck fellas haha

PA – This wasn’t bad, haha I kinda feel like it’s a reference to me (I know its not). it could also be a reference to you n many others. think most ppl will relate to the narrative and it will score you points.

- One or two girls, over the years he was smitten with.
Now he asks where his 20’s went. It’s a fasttrack, isn’t it?
this line stood out above any, smooth flow, nice tie in n wordplay, really speaks to the reader.

Short and sweet, effective overall


Addy – first off props to being where u am and doing what you’re doing, almost a thankless task! cant be easy writing as well.
so a shorter battle made sense and was fair here…

quite a few quotables... ‘tweet the tunes’ stood out lol

This room has become my prison, a terrarium in a jar
I inspect the bars, without grasping the fragility of my glass reality
Every time I make a break for the light the demons drag me back down - it’s crab mentality

That this room’s become a prison, and depression’s standing guard ............dope af


Yes, animals are trapped in cages and exploited (LOL) and that’s how people with mental health problems can feel or any person with normalised issues really, I think the ending was a little flat and will lose a lot of ppl imho. As a vegan I think I took your ending a different way you may of anticipated LMAO, I kid I do get the sentiment.…

this is flip of a coin shit, enjoyed both…. no troll
-ad had more going on throughout, kinda that lost drive at the end
-PA resonated more without being as technically proficient and maybe as engaging but with a cleaner ending

ffs, ill go adverse, just had more to it to enjoy and he deserves some props

Nice drops fellas

[sral]

I’m a fan of the artist behind the topic choice this week, I’ve used his illustrations as topic choices previously when I’ve modded the league. Not this one in particular, though, admittedly. The image itself seems to lean toward the idea of “Why the caged bird sings,” only with a more modern twist — which can be taken in a few different ways, so for me personally I may have deliberately gone the exact opposite way and tried to make something more light heated and comedic about maybe a Tweets By Tre new brand of headphones on that market that had its idea stolen and sold very few units after the idea concept had been stolen by Dr Dre or something. Complete left-field flip on the image shown and unexpected but wholly original. Anyway, enough about me here; let’s see what you guys came up with...

Pharoah: I think your rhyme placement in that first line is overlooked here by some people. Your rhyme placement in that opening line is spot on, it then read very Eminem-esque to me (which is a compliment) from there on.

So he throws on a beat from days gone back.
Gets nostalgic when he plays the track.

It reminded me of Sing For The Moment, content wise, and I think in relation to the picture I can see the inspiration somewhat there. I think the premise as well was very real, especially noted in the closing lines, but felt right throughout this.

What I enjoyed here is how you immersed yourself in that image and crafted someone’s story from it, getting at what lay at the very heart of the picture, and giving it a meaning. A feeling. You injected a life into it by basing the this around a very relatable scenario, universally relatable, we’ve all no doubt got a connection to be that as a writer, a musician, a rapper, or even just as a creative person in whatever outlet we choose as the medium. That’s where it’s heart lies in this.

The internal multies and assonance employed haven’t been overlooked by me either, this section in particular stood out to me in terms of your strength with rhyme scheme and technical flare:

Not a dissident.
An ardent participant.
He’s a caged bird, but his headphones set him free to listen with.
nice pic tie in. Cool rhyming
One or two girls, over the years he was smitten with.
Now he asks where his 20’s went. It’s a fasttrack, isn’t it?

It read very naturally, and that’s a harder difficulty setting than many realise in terms of the writers voice and execution for sure. The complexity is almost in the simplicity there. I have no problem given props where justly deserved. Great job.


Adverse:

The onomatopoeic sounds in the opener here reminded me of Candy’s verse this week, actually (I voted on theirs just prior to this one so it’s still fresh in my mind lol). The “hum” and “beat” descriptors in the opening couplet work well. Your word choices also keep the readers interest, the word “terrarium” here was utilised to great effect in that sense:

a terrarium in a jar

This was another solid display of your vocabulary and how well you put it to use. It’s natural sounding, used correctly, and not overbearing which can be a problematic for some people to strike a balance between that show of intellect and still making the read accessible to the audience.

You could never see the world as bleak as these aqua lenses do

This one has a dope punchline-esque quality you’ve honed during your time in the NBL and it shows.

The closing lines, to hark back to my initial thoughts, tie in perfectly with what I imagined the image to be in connection to when I first viewed it. I liked that you fully immersed your storyline within the image, but also built a world around it - that encompassed it and utilised what was there but also worked outside of its framework if you like to build the infrastructure of your piece around it as your central point.

This is a close one, I have it closer than I think a lot do for varying reasons, largely a deciding factor for me here was the execution in both verses with Adverse’ having the more archetypal Lars verse I guess in terms of how I would have approached, and executed, this topic has I been presented with it. Call it personal preference if you want, the other voters seem to agree with my call also so I guess I’m alone in this view, but I had Adverse edging this in more categories overall. Good battle fellas!

Keep those pens moving!