Rough draft of a track I’m working on..would appreciate critique

Adverse · 12-16-2020, 05:31 PM

https://www.bandlab.com/revisions/02...4-501ac5b31de6

Hey guys it’s been five years since I put something out so thought I’d take some notes before I even attempted to. I know stuff like the mix isn’t great and the recording but I’m looking for a que on more technical stuff like delivery and lyrics etc. I may find a better recording area but as for equipment this is the best I’m going to do. Rough mix just so I can get some ideas from y’all. Absolutely trash it if you have to

Ajax · 12-17-2020, 11:52 AM

I don’t know why no one on here cares about actual music, but I’d be surprised if you get many replies.

This was a lot better than the other track you dropped awhile back. The punch-ins/overdubs were well done and your flow was on point throughout. Concept of the track was dope. Lyrics seemed solid.

Just being honest, you have some delivery/cadence issues that make it less appealing. And the way you intone your voice by pitching it up higher doesn’t work well, IMO. I couldn’t tell if the chorus was someone else or if you did your main verses in a high note and lowered your voice in the chorus. Either way, they didn’t really work. They didn’t sound natural.

You can rhyme.. technically, it was solid. It just didn’t sound like something I’d want to listen to again, if that makes sense. It sounds, in my unprofessional opinion, like you should keep spitting until you find your own natural voice. But, you’ve got a decent starting point... just spit more. The more you do it, the more natural it will sound..

Cheers.

Pakistani Hand Cannon · 12-17-2020, 04:54 PM

beats groovy & i like your energy on it

i fuck with the delivery tbh - i say that, cause it's weird, unclean, unpolished, & i dont particularly enjoy the tone (i dont dislike it though) - but it all kind of works for them same reasons.

i thought the actual verse has very little redeemable about it though;

food for thought - bar is a lunch
dream in rhyme schemes
sick, aint showing - chadwick boseman
deep water - michael phelps

all shits i cant stand tbh. & the couple lines i liked were just aiight.

thought the hook worked though.

Adverse · 12-20-2020, 10:23 PM

I appreciate you both I haven’t recorded in 5 years before that I only had probably 3 years of experience at it so the hiatus has stunted my growth. I wrote a couple full tracks this week and I am definitely going to keep working at it. I am glad there were some positives about it

Eviction · 12-20-2020, 10:48 PM

I was going to post my shit to but I'm banned from making threads LMFAO.

Adverse · 12-20-2020, 11:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Eviction

I was going to post my shit to but I'm banned from making threads LMFAO.

PM it I’m interested bro

fraze · 12-21-2020, 06:25 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Adverse

https://www.bandlab.com/revisions/02...4-501ac5b31de6

Hey guys it’s been five years since I put something out so thought I’d take some notes before I even attempted to. I know stuff like the mix isn’t great and the recording but I’m looking for a que on more technical stuff like delivery and lyrics etc. I may find a better recording area but as for equipment this is the best I’m going to do. Rough mix just so I can get some ideas from y’all. Absolutely trash it if you have to

The track is cool, but I agree with Ajax, the vocal tone/pitch is not helping you out. It's actually distracting from the verses. I get adding some flavor to your tone but I think this would sound a lot better in your normal voice.

The tone on the hook is more listenable. Lyrics are cool. You have some punches and stuff (but we all know you can write so I feel like that's not as important to review).

A couple spots your breathing comes in loud over the mic, but that might be the mix. Concept is cool, its an ok song. The hook is straight. On the delivery side I would go for a more natural tone and use emotion/inflection to give lines more of a punch. You using melody and that's all cool but youre an octave or two too high. The high pitched voice just makes me want to turn the song off.

Amen · 12-21-2020, 07:26 AM

Presence sounds forced. Let it come natural man. A few times you missed the beat as well. Beat was cool and kind of drowned out by the lyrics.

Keep at it.

12-16-2020, 05:31 PM	#1
Adverse low tide in serotonin bay Join Date: Jul 2013 Posts: 2,752 Battle Record: 37-28 Champed - GWL Picture Challenge - Guerrilla Writing League - Black August II Rep Power: 15446146	Rough draft of a track I’m working on..would appreciate critique https://www.bandlab.com/revisions/02...4-501ac5b31de6 Hey guys it’s been five years since I put something out so thought I’d take some notes before I even attempted to. I know stuff like the mix isn’t great and the recording but I’m looking for a que on more technical stuff like delivery and lyrics etc. I may find a better recording area but as for equipment this is the best I’m going to do. Rough mix just so I can get some ideas from y’all. Absolutely trash it if you have to

12-17-2020, 11:52 AM	#2
Ajax Senior Member Join Date: May 2020 Posts: 344 Battle Record: 5-4 Rep Power: 95150	I don’t know why no one on here cares about actual music, but I’d be surprised if you get many replies. This was a lot better than the other track you dropped awhile back. The punch-ins/overdubs were well done and your flow was on point throughout. Concept of the track was dope. Lyrics seemed solid. Just being honest, you have some delivery/cadence issues that make it less appealing. And the way you intone your voice by pitching it up higher doesn’t work well, IMO. I couldn’t tell if the chorus was someone else or if you did your main verses in a high note and lowered your voice in the chorus. Either way, they didn’t really work. They didn’t sound natural. You can rhyme.. technically, it was solid. It just didn’t sound like something I’d want to listen to again, if that makes sense. It sounds, in my unprofessional opinion, like you should keep spitting until you find your own natural voice. But, you’ve got a decent starting point... just spit more. The more you do it, the more natural it will sound.. Cheers. __________________ https://soundcloud.com/ajaxinstrumentals

12-17-2020, 04:54 PM	#3
Pakistani Hand Cannon Senior Member Join Date: Jun 2013 Posts: 1,230 Rep Power: 5303583	beats groovy & i like your energy on it i fuck with the delivery tbh - i say that, cause it's weird, unclean, unpolished, & i dont particularly enjoy the tone (i dont dislike it though) - but it all kind of works for them same reasons. i thought the actual verse has very little redeemable about it though; food for thought - bar is a lunch dream in rhyme schemes sick, aint showing - chadwick boseman deep water - michael phelps all shits i cant stand tbh. & the couple lines i liked were just aiight. thought the hook worked though.

12-20-2020, 10:23 PM	#4
Adverse low tide in serotonin bay Join Date: Jul 2013 Posts: 2,752 Battle Record: 37-28 Champed - GWL Picture Challenge - Guerrilla Writing League - Black August II Rep Power: 15446146	I appreciate you both I haven’t recorded in 5 years before that I only had probably 3 years of experience at it so the hiatus has stunted my growth. I wrote a couple full tracks this week and I am definitely going to keep working at it. I am glad there were some positives about it

12-20-2020, 10:48 PM	#5
Eviction Detained Join Date: Oct 2020 Posts: 1,838 Battle Record: 16-11 Rep Power: 0	I was going to post my shit to but I'm banned from making threads LMFAO.

12-21-2020, 07:26 AM	#8
Amen As-salamu alaykum! Join Date: May 2016 Posts: 8,462 Battle Record: 19-8 Champed - 1-2 Punch League Season 6 Rep Power: 0	Presence sounds forced. Let it come natural man. A few times you missed the beat as well. Beat was cool and kind of drowned out by the lyrics. Keep at it.