Just a Tug

[DMS]

Just a Tug

He took the means to freedom off his desk,
To no longer have to deal with faults of men.
To no longer need to jot with pen
To heal his mind of thoughts of death
To no longer have to draw a breath
To wake up just to fall again
To sleep. To be in dreamless dormancy.
To feel no more, a formless peace.
To make a mess of one’s own head all because one’s head’s a mess.

He felt his fingers wrap around the grip
A thousand different weeks come out to this.
To hold the metal to the temple on his dome.
To feel relief from fear and be as merely flesh and bone.
He knew the act was selfish, but was everything not so?

(As if it matters if you think it matters anymore.)

It’s a painless, mindless moment.
There won’t be time to process.
Just pull the lever right back
And embrace with life’s annulment.

He could return to this if he had no piece of hope.
Perhaps it would be worth it just to live and breathe the smoke?
Perhaps it didn’t matter, what’s the worth of what he’ll gain?
Why would he bother living ever, let alone if he’s in pain?

His sorrow and concern thawed to cosmic apatheticness.
Head hits desk like lead and bricks.
The red just trickled down and covered the mahogany.
The note he wrote now drenched in it, the mess would never bother him.


It only took a tug.

[Johnny 6 feet]

Dark as midnight and stark in it's detail. I could picture the scene clearly. Saw the quote in your sig, the difference is you didn't wallow in repetition but just used it in the early going to emphasise the relentless stress your narrator was feeling and it drove the point home. The breaks between text conveyed erratic thoughts which added to the mood and the short punchline at the end showed the end to the chaos. Poetic. Very good.

I'll keep an eye peeled for more of your stuff. Please rtf.

-6

[Exis]

Honestly, didn't like the openin' stanza...thought what followed was dope though.Imagery & emotion central.

Good shit fam.

[Artifice]

I dug this... simple, yet poignant. It painted the scene well, given the subject matter it was straightforward, sprinkled with enough imagery to give it some real punch.

the tone spoke in the voice of the character so well, I think that's what grabs me the most. Not the most technical piece, but it doesn't have to be. Sometimes there's an elegance to not overdoing it, and in this case, I think that's exactly the result.

To give a little critique, while I enjoyed the opening part, rhyme-wise I think it could have been tweaked a little. I would have sacrificed the compound rhyme a little by adding "the" to "jot with pen" and had "jot with the pen" and in the next line I would add "its" to get "To heal his mind of its thoughts of death" but those are little things relatively speaking.