Week 3: Clutbuck vs objective- CLUT WINS

[Inno]

GUERRILLA WRITING LEAGUE
@Clutbuck @Objective

Max line: 30

Min: 10

Check in: 48 hours after thread post

Due date: NEXT THURSDAY

GOODLUCK!

[Clutbuck]

”The Work/Life Balance”

Some measure success on other worthwhile factors -
but forget to address their work-life balance.
The first time that I realised this tip in the scales
was seeing a fisherman’s sailboat hauled in by a male.
He’d finished his daily disentanglement and looked at me vacant.
I watched the fish at it flailed and asked how long it had taken.
Removing the hook from its waiting mouth “Not long,” the piscador paused
gutting the gaping galjoen. “Then why aren’t you fishing for more?”
“This critter I’ve caught,” he smiled with a gleam in his eye
“This will be all my family needs to survive,”
He reels in his line. My mind whirrs fast as the spool letting it fly
feeling obliged I ask “So what d’you do with the rest of your time?”
“Then I live life!” he chortled. “I get up late, sleep well, play with my kids,
have a siesta, some wine - oh, and occasionally fish!”
I gazed at the glint he had and could see his dream was still afloat.
“But say if you fished more, you could sell it, and buy an even bigger boat,”
He eased his wrinkled nose. “And then what?” dismissed the dawdler.
“You keep the business growing until you’ve a fleet of fishing trawlers!”
He gives an awkward laugh. “And then what?” he poses me back
“You bring things forward, start selling direct to processing plants.”
The old ocean angler was unmoved. “How long would it take?”
I was hoping he’d ask. “10-15 years if you’re lucky, I’d say,”
He shook out his mane. “And then what?” came his reply.
“You sell stocks in a company making millions!” I exclaimed with delight.
There’s no changing his mind. “And then what?” he takes me to task quick.
“One day you retire to the coast, sleep in, play with your grandkids...”
Maybe on balance he had it right after all. He was happy to shore fish
and wouldn’t change it for the world. He shrugged and carried on walking.

[Objective]

in

[Objective]

Put sixteen beings in a room, ask for their average weight,
one of which put millions out of work as he masturbates.
Overpopulate a square inch image, fear endless scrimmage
of filthy rich happiness with tidbits of dark historys past vintage.
Pass the tense of ancient nastiness as it goes to show we hold our own,
and stick to clones while Medusa therapy turn brains to stone,
them upper rights aches alone.
Screened kids with supreme tits & obscene wits get raised by phones,
people treat their dates for moans as pornhub bleeds a trans-chicks potential.
Some eat ramen to Twitch bitches with missed credentials.
So, I proceed to propose this openly:
"Show that family matters in spite of what likes and hope will feed."
They smile in unison as the scale counterweights the world jokingly,
and scrap cocaine sprees that overflow forgotten broken teens for their token dreams
as maps misrepresent continents for omni-present confidence like yung SoCal thieves.
Set aside Asian vibes with cocoa leaves and JoJo memes,
families create internal equal manners that's "Oh, so sweet!"
Forget that po-po kills with dead slang and yolo ease
along with foreign tragedys empty n sad platters,
ask urban talents what mojo means while battling adders and mad hatters.
Food for thought boil down to means of astrology, innit? Who's the richest?
The UK libra wings it as a politicians hitlist enters MK Ultra's wishes.
That hidden forbidden darkness harvest what we got in common;
bombs used to treat your leaders boredom, greed and shit your store sell,
moms, music, beats and rom-coms tucked in neat with Orwell.
Half the planet doesn't see their nation paint a bolder fade,
mark a date for artist greats with disciples carved in fate,
sunrise sets while rockafellas star a colder shade.
Frame fame in locked down cages cus average prevail across ages,
we all nameless, so I ask - "Who's your waitress?"

[Universe]

Ugh. Not a fan of either verse to be honest. Let's delve deeper.

Clutbuck - I don't know what made you think telling a story about a fisherman and his "work/life balance" was a good idea but I just couldnt get into it. This was clearly an overpopulation topic, and there was a good opportunity to tell a unique story here about what would occur (on a small scale, no pun intended) if we simply ran outta room on the planet. The options were limitless. This approach, Clutbuck aka Lars aka my old friend, seemed way too forced. The dialogue had some decent moments but I was expecting a punchline that, quite frankly, never came. You added some cool alliteration again but you should've done more with that like last week's verse. That could be your whole Clutbuck alias gimmick in the future. Its unique, and if you can harness it and perfect it, its gonna make you stand out. As it stands now, you're just one of those people on the scale... lost in the shuffle. Find your voice.

Objective - At least you headed in the right direction topic-wise lol. I liked how you started things out and thought "this is promising".. but for me it quickly evaporated into a sea of juxtaposition and filler. I mean by the end you were talking about Orwell and Jojo memes. You need to remember topicals are about telling a story... no more, no less. You are being much too grandiose here. Pick something simple based on your topic and focus on it, dissect it, and let us into your world. (But make it more interesting than a convo with a fisherman lol) ... which you did I guess...in a way...

This just comes down to personal preference... I read both verses twice. I would've gave it to Clut if he hit us with a cool punchline at the end but nothing happened and it just seemed weirdly off topic to me, so...

Vote - Objective (by a gnarly cunt hair)

[Scar]

Clutbuck, well i have to disagree with Universe's assessment of your verse. I don't think its about overpopulation at all. I think its more in tune with the old idiom: "one man's treasure is another man's "ta fuck?". I believe it was a good play on the picture as the verse is about balancing and weighing what's important in ones life. I like the irony at the end and as another disagreement with the above comment, i thought the punchline, laced in irony was quite effective. i did detect some spelling errors lulz. I think you meant to write i watch the fish as it flailed? Wasn't a fan of the haul by a male bit if i can be completely honest.

objective, i really like some of the play and flip on phrases. Upper right aches alone ~ upper echelon). the medusa line was awesome among other great lines. I'd say that's the strength of your verse. I think my only issue was that it got a bit redundant and stale. There's a lot of truth to what you are saying but sometimes imagination trumps reality. Maybe choose a more creative framing to express your contempt as opposed to a straight-up critique you know?

in this battle i have to cast my vote for Clutbuck. I think it was a cool story that serves as a parable about bounty vs beauty. Objective had some amazing one liners but it got a bit boring towards the middle on.

[Adverse]

Clutbuck, i liked the simple narrative of your verse, it wasn't a super compelx world bending topical, it was just a simple tale but i think it was told well. And i liked how everything came full circle in the end ans kind of wrapped it up neatly with a bow.

Objective - I like your writing man but i think aometimes it is overstuffed. You fit so much into one line and sometimes it's unfathomable, it starts bursting at the seams. It all starts blending together and i think the narrative you're trying to tell loses its way at times, i think the sporadic nature of your verses pays off in some cases, but i don't think it did here. That's just my opinion, i did like your topic though and like Scar said you had some amazing one liners but as an interwoven topical i don't think it worked well.

V/Clutbuck

[Universe]

For what it's worth Clutbuck, Lars... I got this one wrong. I didnt much enjoy your topic of choice but you at least stuck with it... and after reading again I dont know why I voted for Objective here.

So change it, don't change it, whatever. But needed to be said.