Last of the Worthy

[Zen]

Putting this here for feed since I signed out of the AOWL and I think judging from the votes this would serve better as an OM.

Bruce and Ken, The Vesuvian Men, hang outside the Peruvian Den
On Hallucinogens, Confused on a binge and losin his skin
Ken screams, 'God damnit Bruce it's doing it again!!'
"You're losin it man,"
Bruce soothed his friend for a moment or two and then
Ken cut loose and ran into the shadow of limbs
That ***kled at him and rattled and spinned
Til it formed a castle of men captured and shackled within
With faces donnin a laughable grin and chattering chins
And a deep, dark black ingot lens that swallowed and flattened him in.
As he fell in the darkness he started passing his friend
Who only spoke braile in the carpet because his eyes were welped and tarnished,
Overwhelmed, he felt disheartened surrounded by hell and carnage,
Artillery shells and carcusses covered the well of heartless,
"Ken, breathe, all right?"
Just then he seas a sea of light dream a beam of flight
To a rock now deemed to teem with life in the perfect position,
Circular suspensions align to supply vertical dimensions,
And plants arrive confined to a fertile existence
That flies by in a merciful sentence,
The he seas the sea of light retrieve and ignite a herbal incense
That causes the rock to swirl and spin winds creating terminal tensions
Til it quakes and slides and breaks and widens
To form lakes and islands that create the horizon
But then...
He awakes in time, and tastes his mind....
'Wait, am I think that I'm'...
Silence echos in violent cappelos in this timeless meadow,
He cries, he's mellow
He's open wide, with dead bolts,
Staring into the eyes of dead folk and the wife he left home
And his childhome sitting shy with headphones and a microphone
Writing a song, 'One day I'll be known',
And with an open mind, he let's go,
Fast forward and he sees his casket and corpse,
He never made it passed his thirties...
He awakes a dying man with open eyes again full of wrath and mercy,
The Last of the Worthy....

[Inno]

ok so here we go...good thing im high.

the first couple of lines put me in a place with to guys in what seems like a conflict...I guess they are protectiong each other...almost like a fox hole..losing his skin could be him getting hit with a bomb or a bullet...anyway then he runs off in a panic. I gotta be honest man this took me for a ride. felt like when he ran off you took the story with you..telling his part of the conflict...you know going into the darkness and being surrounded...the feeling of death imminent. you know after reading this again it almost feels like the moment when someone is about to the die...the flash of light and his dreams and past flahs in front of him...the brief interaction with his partner...feels like hes going in and out of consciousness...pretty dope...I mean that's what im picturing as I kept reading this. he survived the ordeal...but cant get passed all the death he saw..its real to him..and so he doesn't make it...he made it home but never really was there..if that makes sense....

for me it was a tale of a someone going through a journey and never really finding closure after it was done...he was stuck in that nightmare and couldn't get out of it...seaing all the dead bodies and mayhem..he couldn't handle it...thus the "didn't make it past his thirties" line makes so much sense...atleast in my interpretation of your writing. great stuff bro.


that's my take...thought this was illy son...couple hiccups but the story is what counts...illy my nigga.

[Darth Yoda]

pseudo.

[Zen]

Idk what that means. This is pseudowriting? Or its like pseudophedrine?

[Split]

hm.. this was like Fear and Loathing Mononoke or something. i cant say i was too captured by the story.. very descriptive but still vague. I know what is happening, literally, but i have no idea what is happening. Even when I accepted i had no idea what was happening, i had no idea what was happening.

rhymed pretty tho

[Zen]

Split wtf is up man? Where you been?

[Split]

Haha I've been around yo. Doing engineering things, bout to lock up this work-study at a machine shop... how was your 4 month sabbatical/ zen spirit journey?

also, might be sending you a verse one of these weekends

[Zen]

That's what's up. You engineer the shit out of whatever needs engineering you smart motherfucker.
And it was good but now life sucks. Part time job, full time school, and my girlfriend dumped me. But hey I can't I get dumped twice amirite!?
And what verse fella?

[Mr. J]

Although I didn't get the chance to vote on your battle I felt this was nicely written
the vibe fit into what you were writing about and kept my attention
I enjoyed it and thought you did well...good luck in the trials to come

[Bodey]

ha and you said some of my stuff was eminem's style

this was dope yo, i liked the way everything flowed together. story was cool, liked the way you were able to deliver it with descriptiveness and clean multi-rhymes. i love a good narrative so thank you for the link

[Sho Money EMG]

This was pretty good. I think the main storyline was a cool idea but a bit lifeless at times. Some of it kinda wasn't appealing but u also had some good lines. Alot of good multies and also I liked the vocabulary aswell. I think u should work alittle more on counting the syllables of the words u choose to rhyme cuz a few were off. But other than that u got alot of potential and def are a beast. Keep droppin this was tight.

To a rock now deemed to teem with life in the perfect position,
Circular suspensions align to supply vertical dimensions,
And plants arrive confined to a fertile existence
That flies by in a merciful sentence,
The he seas the sea of light retrieve and ignite a herbal incense
That causes the rock to swirl and spin winds creating terminal tensions
Til it quakes and slides and breaks and widens
To form lakes and islands that create the horizon
^^ this was my favorite part, tight shit

[Just Write]

so I read this last week and I actually didn't know you got no showed. sucks man, this was fuckin epic. each time i see a piece from you I am more impressed. you have developed into a legit multi machine. I know everytime I read your pieces the flow will be impeccable and that I WILL BE ENTERTAINED. no different here

"Ken, breathe, all right?"
Just then he seas a sea of light dream a beam of flight
To a rock now deemed to teem with life in the perfect position,
Circular suspensions align to supply vertical dimensions,
And plants arrive confined to a fertile existence
That flies by in a merciful sentence,
The he seas the sea of light retrieve and ignite a herbal incense
That causes the rock to swirl and spin winds creating terminal tensions
Til it quakes and slides and breaks and widens
To form lakes and islands that create the horizon


this part was dope, my only critique and its a small one at that is the way you spelled fuckes seas... my dude it's see's. that shit irritates me, its 2013 playa, we all got spellcheck ahahaha jk jk yea but for real illy piece man. stay up and thanks for the feed

[Zen]

@Just Write I just noticed I misspelled sees lol. I wrote this drunk and as the voters last week pointed out there's allot of them in there. Appreciate the feed guys.

[beegee]

fuckin sucks this piece got no showed.
you murdered it.
but doesnt that always happen tho.

anyway...

my favorite bars

Who only spoke braile in the carpet because his eyes were welped and tarnished,
Overwhelmed, he felt disheartened surrounded by hell and carnage,
Artillery shells and carcusses covered the well of heartless,

great use of multis
loved the rhyme scheme

[Eŋg]

Originally Posted by Split Eight

Mononoke

[Pharaohs Army]

Haven't READ (or maybe 1once but never fed?) YET...
****Bitta Feed DUE TUESDAY****

[Pharaohs Army]

definitely got an eminem "my fault" vibe right at the beginning, both from a content perspective and also the rhymes/flow...
after that it's more clearly a Zen piece, and jesus man, for almost 10 years ago now your mechanics were pretty impressive...
I don't have much to say about this really...death@the end, meh, what isn't cliche now? It's the way it had to go, even if readers might guess that's where it's headed...as long as it's DONE OK, which I thought it was, I don't have a problem...

You remind me a lot of me - stylistically w/ some things. Not gonna get into specifics...Your EARLY feeback/engagement with me on "nitty-gritty" text details, where to put a fucking comma or if this multi goes on the next line, &what have you...were critical - to me personally - and kept me engaged on the website when I could have easily given up or just did keys all my life...So thanks for that & being an early lime heavy-hitter.

UP